


You're the Deepest Ocean

by ShannynFaucheux



Series: House of the Rising Sun [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abuse, BDSM, Beware, Childhood Trauma, Cliffs of Insanity, Crying, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Extremely Sad tbh, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, I will fix him tho, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mind Games, Oh My God, Oh Shizuo is suffering too btw, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychological Thriller, Psychological Trauma, Sad, Secrets, Sequel to House of the Rising Sun, Shizuo and Izaya will marry at the end of this calm down, Storyline, Suffering, Swearing, Watch me slowly tear Izaya apart, hurt izaya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 15:00:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 64,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14451759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShannynFaucheux/pseuds/ShannynFaucheux
Summary: The sun was in love with the ocean.The ocean was burning, and the sun didn’t know how to stop it.One day, the ocean smiled to the sun and said; ‘’-Please don’t do this to yourself, don’t love me ‘’Angry flames feasted on the ocean’s once blue surface, and the sun couldn’t do anything but to weep infinite tears made of gold.And the deepest ocean drowned himself.**This is the continuation/ sequel to the House of the Rising Sun. Thank you for all your comments and views.**





	1. The Man Who Sold The World

**Author's Note:**

> Yooo it's your girl; Shannyn. How is it going? About this chapter.. A lot happened, and it was mostly build-up but definitely wasn't 'empty'. And was more deeper as in the sense that I 'showed' and put the 'telling' aside a little bit. Also this chapter was more like a film, because there were a lot of scenes and cuts. I'll proof read this chapter when my headache goes away.
> 
> Vocab; '' Oh mein Gott! : Oh my god, in German.  
> Irasshaimase: Welcome, mostly said when the person goes into a shop or a restaurant kind of place.
> 
> A song for this chapter; Nirvana- The Man Who Sold the World

                                                                                      You’re the Deepest Ocean

 

Ch 1: Business

_Hamburg, Germany_

_-‘’ I raise..eh.. five hundred ‘’_  
_-‘’ A full’’_  
_-‘’ I see the five hundred, I raise a thousand’’_  
_-‘’I think you ain’t got nothin’ I raise three grand ‘’_

Izaya grinned at the boss sitting across him. _‘’- That fucker owes me twenty grand. Play poker with him, he sucks at it’’_ That was what Shiki adviced him before Izaya went to see Miyano Takeshi, a Japanese boss running business in Germany, Austria and Poland. And Shiki was right, the man sucked at poker, because Izaya had Shiki’s twenty grand back in two hours, plus five thousand extra in his hands.

    -‘’ Why don’t we start talking business, gentleman? ‘’ Izaya offered, and Takeshi gratefully accepted.

‘’-Prepare his money-‘’ He ordered to the man standing beside him, then turned to Izaya; ‘’-Considering your age, I have to say, you’re very good at this, Orihara Izaya.’’

   -‘’ Age is irrelavant Miyano-san ‘’ Izaya answered back.  
   -‘’ But your experience is also… _yet to blossom’’_ He finished the sentence in Japanese, which was a signal for Izaya to speak in Japanese too.  
   -‘’ Experience is also irrelavant, considering that only _I_ have the information, and the contacts you want in Japan.’’

Miyano Takeshi gave a little ‘’tsch’’ sound with his teeth and leaned back in his chair even more; ‘’- Seems like Shiki raised a good kid’’

Izaya gave a professional smile that hid a glow of malevolence; ‘’- Most certainly he did. ‘’

   -‘’ But you see… the price you want for this information is quite high. ‘’ The boss offered Izaya a cigar, but Izaya politely refused.  
   -‘’ The price is adjustable. If you can provide me with a particular contact.’’

Eyes sparkling with interest, the man puffed out a cloud of smoke from his cigar; ‘’- What do you want? ‘’

   -‘’ I need contacts in Weimar ‘’ Izaya replied.  
   -‘’ Japanese contacts? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes. ‘’

The boss spoke in German with one of his man, then turned to Izaya once again; ‘’- You have to give us one or two days. ‘’

Izaya was sitting composed while still remaining relaxed, his back straight and his leg crossed. ‘’- I will wait for your call then ‘’ He said as he moved his head slightly forward to look inside the boss’s eyes.

   -‘’ At the same time, you can enjoy the city. My men can escort you if you want. ‘’ Miyano Takeshi offered, obviously wanting to track down the young one’s actions in the city.  
   -‘’ I’d like my own company, but thank you for the offer. ‘’ Izaya said and looked inside the bag full of cash in front of him; ‘’- It was my pleasure to play with you. ‘’ He added and pulled the zipper of the bag and stood up.

 

Izaya started walking towards the exit, and Miyano Takeshi’s brows furrowed. He eyed the other’s body from head to toe…

* * *

 

 

 

Izaya took a taxi back to his hotel. He went into his room, and called Shiki;

    -‘’ You were right Shiki-san, I have your twenty grand back ‘’ On his words, an amused laugh was heard from the other line.  
    -‘’ That’s my boy. That fucker has no manners or whatsoever, but Awakusu wants to do business with him. Did you managed to get your contacts? ‘’  
    -‘’ They told me to wait for a day or two ‘’  
    -‘’ I see. Why don’t you see around then, go to _Reeperbahn_. You know that street I told you about? Woman.. _man_.., or just have a drink…‘’

 

After that phone call, Izaya called Shinra, Mairu answered;

   -‘’ Oniisaaan! ‘’ Sounds of Shinra talking and TV merged with Mairu’s energetic voice.  
   -‘’ Hey, how are you? ‘’  
   -‘’ We’re fine, right Kururi?-‘’ She gave the phone to Kururi; ‘’-Yes, onii-san’’ Kururi mumbled.  
   -‘’ What are you doing, how are your days? ‘’  
   -‘’ Shinra-onii-san is soooooooo funny, he showed us his experiments, and Celty-san teached us to make pancakes. Kururi did it though, I failed ‘’

Izaya gave a little chuckle; ‘’- I am sure you can do it too. Can you give the phone to your sister?’’ he said and Mairu did.

   -‘’ Yes, onii-san? ‘’  
   -‘’ Are you having fun too, Kururi? ‘’ He asked and got a sound that could be described as ‘’yes’’ back from Kururi. ‘’-Celty-san is nice ‘’ She mumbled.  
   -‘’ Good. Tell your sister not to be too restless alright? I’ll call tomorrow too. ‘’  
   -‘’ Okay, brother ‘’

Kururi gave the phone to Shinra.

    -‘’ Hello, Orihara-kun! Are you having fun back there? ‘’ Shinra exclaimed, Izaya smiled and moved the phone away from his ear;  
    -‘’ Yes, Shinra, thank you. I hope my sisters are not causing any trouble..’’  
    -‘’ No, they are really fine. Though I couldn’t be their side today, Celty looked after them. ‘’  
    -‘’ Why? ‘’  
   -‘’ Well…-‘’ Shinra hesitated for a moment, then went into the seperate room, ‘’- I have been collecting glass pieces from a guy’s arm, and legs… and head..’’  
   -‘’ Wow.., gang fight? ‘’  
    -‘’ Not really.. It seems like Shizuo beat up a guy in his night shift, and his friend Tom brought the guy to me so that Shizuo wouldn’t end up in jail, which was a good call I must say. ‘’

 

Back in the hotel room, Izaya’s brows furrowed; ‘’-Do you know why did he beat the guy that.. hard? ‘’

A sad smile crawled onto the young doctor’s face; ‘’- He’s having troubles managing his anger again… ‘’

 

_That piece of information was going to stick to Izaya’s head that night, and was going to make him think about calling Shizuo. He didn’t, though._

* * *

 

 

_The next day, Ikebukuro;_

 

After his last ‘incident’, Shizuo started working in day shifts, for it was less crowded and quieter. If his friend Tom hadn’t put an hand in the situation,  he could have lost his job. Therefore, Shizuo was grateful despite the cut from his monthly pay.

This _anger_ of him wasn’t something new; A sudden spark of red, then the uncontrollable urge to beat whoever was ticking him off. But ever since Izaya and he broke up, it gotten progressively worse. It wasn’t because Izaya had some kind of a superpower that _healed_ him, but everything was _calmer_ around him. For example, if the world was to end; Izaya would smile and continue on sipping on his coffee. It would take _a lot_ of effort to annoy him.

After that breakup, Shizuo was hurt. He was hurt so deep, but he didn’t had the courage to face with the fact. And so, he escaped, but his anger management gotten worse.

And then there was this other thing; _Izaya himself._ Shizuo _could_ forget him, he could move on with his life. But sometimes, a sentence that Izaya said once, or that day in rooftop would stick in his brain and wouldn’t let him sleep that night.

 

_Or the sentences he secretly read in Izaya’s diary years ago…_

‘’ _…I want to end it all_ ’’

 

Heiwajima Shizuo was in love with this _cunning_ , _talented_ , _diabolic_ thing; That was why he couldn’t let him go. That was why before sleeping, he would consider calling him just to ask him: ‘’Are you alright?’’, ‘’ Are you eating well? ‘’

‘’ You don’t want to end it, right, Izaya? ‘’

* * *

 

 

Shizuo was in break when he saw Mairu and Kururi returning from school. Izaya used to pick them up, but nowadays they were returning by themselves, just like the other kids. The twins saw him too and Mairu started running towards him;

   -‘’ Shizuo-nii-san! ‘’

She hopped in Shizuo’s arms and Shizuo held the girl and smiled. He then took Kururi;

   -‘’ How are you doing girls? ‘’  
   -‘’ Good ‘’ Kururi whispered.

Shizuo put them back; ‘’-You want ice cream? ‘’ He asked and got a nod from both girls. So they walked and Shizuo bought them ice cream. They found a bench and sat there as the girls ate.

   -‘’ Ne- Shizuo-nii-san…’’ Mairu started.  
   -‘’ Hm..? ‘’  
   -‘’ You smell like Iza-nii ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh..’’

 _‘’It’s because I smoke the same cigarettes…_ ’’ Shizuo thought. He then leaned back in the bench;

 

   -‘’ So.. how’s your brother doing? ‘’  
   -‘’ We talked to him yesterday, he told us he was okay ‘’ Mairu answered.  
   -‘’ Don’t you miss him? ‘’

On the blond’s question, both girls shook their heads; ‘’- No-‘’ Mairu replied; ‘’- We promised him that we won’t. ‘’ Kururi nodded ‘’- We promised. ‘’

 

Ikebukuro’s streets were crowded, the sun was heavy on Shizuo’s eyes but he wasn’t complaining about it. A flood of people were constantly walking.

 

   -‘’ Ne- Shizu-nii-san..’’ Mairu spoke as she swayed her legs back and forth.  
   -‘’ Hm? ‘’  
   -‘’ Why are you not talking to each other anymore? ‘’

On the girl’s question, Shizuo dropped his face down and slumped; ‘’-He.. likes to be alone. Right? ‘’ He gave an half response.

The girls nodded then Kururi lifted her head up to look at Shizuo ‘’- _He misses you too_..’’ She whispered, and her sentence blessed the wind. Shizuo felt this little lump on his throat, but intentionally mistook it as anger. Still, he remained calm. ‘’-Would he..? ‘’ He mumbled.

* * *

 

 

_That same day, at night._

 

_Reeperbahn, Hamburg_

 

Alcohol burned his veins, crucified his mind, and Orihara Izaya wandered aimlessly in the St. Pauli district of Reeperbahn.  _The red-light district_ had more neon pink, neon yellow and neon green than _red_. He passed a Turkish döner restaurant, a rock bar, then a sex shop. Haze all around him, he was dizzy and stumbled here and there.

But he _could_ go back to his hotel. He could get a taxi, it wasn’t that far away.

There were neon pinks, neon yellows around him, but also a strange colour greeted him from somewhere unknown; _blue._ Unwanted nostalgia hit him in that strange colour. _Neon pink was all around him, but the guilt of the past ate him in blue._ Izaya walked in this district crawling in lust, _and it was hurtfully familiar._

Was this the sound of the crowd he was hearing?

But they wouldn’t speak in Japanese, right?

 

_A yellow butterfly flew to the dark blue air and merged into the ‘blue’._

_‘’ Don’t you see them, Izaya? They are everywhere, look! ‘’_

_‘’ Don’t you see the butterflies? ‘’_

 

Izaya hallucinated in blue.

 

 

Izaya stopped under a streetlight, his sight unable to distinguish reality from the haze. He was trying not to throw up and a constant noise was trembling at the back of his head. A pimp-looking guy came towards him;

‘’- Hey beautie..’’ His hand traveled towards Izaya’s cheek but Izaya slapped it away. The man cursed under his breath, and Izaya walked away from him with shivers surrounding his body. He then turned to an another street, and lost his direction, along with his clear thinking..

 

 _‘’ You really know me don’t you, Izaya? Goddamit.’’_ Even the stars were too bright tonight.

_Shizu-chan..?_

Izaya started running, his heart pounding in his chest. He felt somebody trying to catch him, to touch him, to… But he wasn’t sure anymore.

 

_I am so scared Shizu-chan.._

_Help me, I am so scared._

_I am so dirty, they used me Shizu-chan, I let them.._

_I had no choice._

_I am so sorry._

 

Izaya abruptly stopped in front of a slum-like building. Almost all the lights were on and there were males going in and out. It.. It looked like..

‘’- _Haruki..?_ ‘’

 

Izaya hallucinated in blue, and went inside the building in _yellow._

 

* * *

 

There were prostitutes walking inside the halls, skirts, naked legs, and the heaviest air was filling Izaya ‘s lungs.

A prostitute in search for someone who could gain her tonight’s money saw a thin male slumped to a wall. With her high heels, she walked near him and tried to see his face. _An Asian ha? So young, though. Well.._

   -‘’ 100 euros. Do you want it? ‘’

Izaya heard a voice and lifted his head up ‘’-What..?’’ He narrowed his eyes when the yellow of the crappy ampoules invaded them.

   -‘’ 100 euros. ‘’ The night worker took Izaya by the hand; ‘’- Come on, it will be good ‘’ She spoke in a broken English as she walked him to her room.

 

Izaya saw the woman’s blond hair and his head tilted a little. She _gently_ pushed Izaya to the bed and closed the door.

 

A familiar scent filled Izaya’s lungs as she dipped a hand on his jacket and took his wallet; ‘’- Let’s see..’’ She took out bunch of banknotes and counted an hundred euros. Izaya looked at her, still unfocused and cold all around. And he missed as she squeezed an another hundred and put the rest of the money back in his wallet.

‘’-Okay, let’s start’’ She laid her customer down and started unbuttoning his black shirt. She was halfway when Izaya managed to lightly took her hand away ‘’-Don’t.. ‘’ Izaya mumbled, but it sounded more like a groan.

 

When all the hands were off his chest, she saw _them. ‘’-_ Oh, mein Gott! ‘’ She slapped a hand to her mouth and the words fell involuntarily from her cherry lips. If another time, she would panic and call her _man_ , but seeing the other, something inside her decided that he wasn’t dangerous  – or a masochist- She hesitantly leaned closer to Izaya’s ear ; ‘’-You don’t want to do it? ‘’ She whispered.

Izaya gave a slight nod ‘’-No..’’ His stomach was burning and his eyelids felt heavy.

 

If another time, she would kick him out from her room and would search for somebody else. But she had enough money for tonight, so she gently re-buttoned Izaya’s shirt, and hid the faint tears carved on his chest. ‘’- Okay.. ‘’ She sighed and put a light kiss on his cheek, then went to lock the door. She then removed Izaya’s shoes and tucked him under the sheets.

 

The sheets were clean, a heavy but nice parfume took Izaya somewhere else. _Somewhere he didn’t had this unspeakable past, somewhere he felt safer._

 

 _The worker_ laid down beside him, she wasn’t wearing a wig anymore and her real dark-brown hair spread out on the faint pink sheets like a rain on a lake. Out of habit, Izaya turned his body and got into a more foetal position. He then came face to face with her hair.

 

_’’ Don’t you see them, Izaya? They are everywhere, look! ‘’_

_It was so familiar_. Izaya’s hand slowly and sloppily traveled on the worker’s hair, caressing it in shaky and little motions. The other only watched as a painful smile curved on Izaya’s lips. After some time, his hand stopped, and he closed his eyes.

 

 

_That night, Izaya dreamt of his mother. A dream where she took Izaya’s head on her knees and caressed his hair. Ends of her dark brown hair tingled Izaya’s face as she asked;_

‘’- _Have your scars gotten better, Izaya? ‘’_

_On that, Izaya smiled as he closed his eyes;_

_‘’- I will make them heal, mother ‘’_

* * *

 

 

The young informant woke up to the sound of metal spoon clanking to a mug, and to a distant smell of coffee. It was a good sleep he had in a long time, only if he didn’t woke up to see a prostitute watching morning news on TV. Facts took their time to come in his brain as he slowly got up from the bed and breathed in relief to see his pants still on.

‘’-I.. ahm..’’ Izaya took her attention; ‘’- You took your charge, right? ‘’ He asked. As an answer, she showed two hundred euros standing on the desk.

‘’-Alright… good’’ Izaya mumbled as he swallowed the nausea –and the embarassment- down. He then took his phone out and saw two unanswered calls;  one from Shinra and the other from Miyano Takeshi’s guy. He sighed.

 

Before going out, he left an another hundred to the drawer next to him; for the other customers she didn’t accept last night because of him. She saw Izaya but didn’t say anything and out of courtesy, stood up to escort him out.

Absolutely disheveled, Izaya kept his head down as he walked past the halls, pimps, and prostitutes. Then stopped a taxi.

* * *

 

 

When he arrived at his hotel room, he spent a good thirty minutes in the bathroom, then called Shinra;

   -‘’ Hey, Shinra ‘’  
   -‘’ Ohayo!, Izaya-kun ‘’ Shinra’s voice cut his brain like a dagger and made Izaya shut his eyes in pain.  
   -‘’ Sorry I couldn’t answer your call-‘’  
   -‘’ Are you getting sick? Your voice sounds a little… _in pain_ ’’  
   -‘’ No. Just.. I am not having the best morning, did something happen yesterday? ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh that? No. Mairu said that you told them you would call again, so she asked me to call you before they slept.’’

Izaya breathed out and massaged his temples. ‘’- They’re already gone to school, right? ‘’

   -‘’ Yes ‘’ Shinra replied, ‘’-Are you sure you are okay? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yeah, I am fine. ‘’ _I just drank till I lost myself and woke up beside a prostitute, not a big deal._ ‘’- I will call later ‘’

 

He then called the other number and learned that his contact was waiting for him in Weimar.

 

Izaya studied the informations he wrote down on a piece of paper as he ate breakfast. He then called the reception and asked them to learn when was the earliest train for Weimar.

   -‘’ There is one in 12:01, would you want me to call a taxi for you? ‘’ The woman spoke in English with a German accent.  
   -‘’ Yes, thank you ‘’

 _12:01.._ He could easily catch that train, and could rest there. It wasn’t the most perfect plan considering his health –and hangover- but Izaya didn’t have the patience to wait…

 

* * *

 

 

_5 Hours Later, Weimar_

 

After a fifteen minute ride from the station, the taxi stopped in front of a luxurious looking restaurant. Izaya paid the taxi driver and stepped out from taxi.

A tall man in gray suit was standing in front of the entrance, he bowed when he saw Izaya;

   -‘’ Irasshaimase. Orihara Izaya-san, right? ‘’

Izaya bowed back; ‘’- Yes ‘’

 

‘’- Our boss is more than pleased to see you. Please..’’ He gave a gesture towards inside and both men walked into the restaurant. They walked past the well-dressed people and red-white tablecloths until they arrived to the table at the far side of the restaurant. By the looks of the table, it was obvious that they were prepared for Izaya’s coming.

 

The boss, Obi Ryozou, was the owner of this restaurant and was doing business in Weimar and Hamburg. He stood up and extended his hand towards Izaya;

    -‘’ Welcome, it is nice to have the honour of meeting with Awakusu-kai’s celebrated informant.‘’ He gave a sincere-looking smile and they shook hands.

They sat down, and two girls extended menus to them. Izaya skimmed over the menu then asked;

   -‘’ What do you suggest, Ryozou-san? ‘’  
   -‘’ Try the steak. Or we can prepare something from our home-country ‘’  
   -‘’ Steak is fine-‘’ Izaya gave the menu back to the girl who was obviously told to impress Izaya with her.. _bodily proportions_. She gave a little smile to Izaya before she left.

Over the little stage-looking area, a pianist was playing Mendelssohn. Izaya relaxed in his chair.

   -‘’ I heard that you are the son of Haruya Shiki? ‘’ Ryozou Obi asked.  
   -‘’ Yes- ‘’ Izaya quickly replied; ‘’- I informed him about you, and he is keen to learn more about your businesses in here. ‘’  
   -‘’ Wonderful- ‘’ The same waitress came back and poured champagne for both men. Ryozou Obi lifted his glass up, and Izaya followed the etiquette;  
   -‘’ For new connections, then. ‘’  
   -‘’ For new connections ‘’ Izaya agreed and took a small sip from the wine. A throbbing in his head was still persistent despite the medication he took earlier.

 

Izaya needed to remember a lot of information from that dinner. It seemed like Ryozou Obi wasn’t really fond of Miyano Takeshi, so he gave away things that Izaya could report to Shiki.

 

At one point, the yakuza boss asked;

    -‘’…But of course, I am curious about the reason of _your_ visit, Orihara-san ‘’

 

On that, Izaya put away his fork and wiped his mouth with a white cloth; ‘’- I need to find the brother of my... _dear friend_. ‘’ He then took his ruby-red backpack and took out a folder. ‘’-He is a German with Japanese descent. ‘’ He extended the folder to the man sitting across him.

‘’- I see..’’ Ryozou Obi took the folder and examined it for couple of minutes. He then lifted his head up; ‘’- I am sure we can help you. Can I keep this? ‘’

‘’- Yes, of course ‘’ Izaya already had copies back in Ikebukuro. Ryozou Obi gave the folder to the waitress girl and spoke in German; ‘’- Give this to Eckehard. Tell him to look into it ‘’ The girl gave a quick nod and left.

 

* * *

 

After the desert, everything seemed to move slower to Izaya due to his exhaustion. But he was satisfied with today’s work. The waitresses were picking up the plates and glasses when Ryozou asked;

    -‘’ Would you like us to arrange a nice hotel for you, Orihara-san? Or we could leave the restaurant and _enjoy ourselves_ somewhere else _‘’_ On his last word, the same waitress looked up to Izaya and smiled.

 

It wasn’t hard to decipher the meaning behind ‘ _’ enjoy ourselves somewhere else’’_ ; _Would you like to fuck our waitress, Orihara Izaya?_ No. He didn’t want that. Still, he gave a fake ‘look of lust’ to the girl before sighing in defeat. He lifted his arms to both his sides; ‘’- I would love to. But you see, I haven't got any rest since yesterday.. ‘’

 

   -‘’ Ah.. Is that so? Hotel, then. ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes. Thank you for this wonderful dinner, I have much to tell to my  _father‘’_ Something inside him moved in uncertainty when Izaya referred Shiki as his _father._

 

In the hotel room, Izaya called Shinra before the hour was too late. Mairu excitedly answered the call;

   -‘’ Onii-san! ‘’  
   -‘’ Hey, Mairu. Sorry I couldn’t called yesterday.’’     
   -‘’ It’s okay- ‘’ This was Kururi. Then Mairu took over again. ‘’- Nee-nii-san, we saw Shizuo-nii-san the other day.. ‘’ Hearing her words, Izaya’s eyes traveled down to the large carpet as he sat smaller on the king-sized bed.  
   -‘’ Is that so.. H-How is he doing? ‘’  
   -‘’ I don’t know. I didn’t ask. But he bought us ice cream ‘’ Mairu straightforwardly answered. Kururi took the phone from her sister’s hand;  
   -‘’ Do you miss him, onii-san? ‘’ She asked in her whispery voice. On that, Izaya opened his eyes bigger and looked outside the window.  
   -‘’ Yes- ‘’ He smiled. ‘’ But I miss you more…‘’

 

After the phone call, Izaya stared at Shizuo’s number on his phone for some time. Then slept.

* * *

 

 

Ch 1.1: Ludwig Takehashi and Karl Takehashi

 

Izaya liked Weimar, the architecture was splendid to look at, and the whole city was history in itself. In the morning, instead of doing breakfast at the hotel, Izaya went out and followed the smell of fresh bakery like a cat, and found a cafe. He did a long breakfast and called Shiki to give some of the information he received from Ryozou Obi.

 

A strange, but childish evilness filled Izaya’s heart when he thought about how the information he gave could affect Awakusu-kai and Miyano Takeshi’s relationship.  He then spent the next two days exploring the city.

 

At the end of the next day, Izaya was sitting on a bench and enjoying the view of sunset, when his phone rang. It was ‘’ _Eckehard_ ‘’ Ryozou Obi gave this number to Izaya. He answered;

   -‘’ Yes..? ‘’  
   -‘’ We found your guy, Mr. Orihara. Can you write down the adress or should I text you? ‘’

 

Izaya opened the zipper of his backpack; ‘’- I can write, please wait a second ‘’  He then took out a little notebook and a pen; ‘’- Yes.. ‘’ The man told the address, and Izaya wrote it down. After that, the line went silent but Izaya’s heart grew louder. He looked at the adress and a sad smile traveled to the side of his lip. _Haruki deserves this._ He decided to go back to the hotel since it was getting dark outside…

 

* * *

 

 

That night, and the next day while having breakfast, Izaya thought about what to say to Haruki’s brother. _Was he going to be greeted nice?_ _How was he going to tell them.. that.._

 

Izaya took his head between his palms and sighed. _There is no end to thinking._ He called a taxi and got into action.

 

It was a thirty minute ride from the hotel, and the taxi stopped in front of a small villa. The exterior was green with terra-cotta at the bottom. There were two more buildings with less colour around the place.

With hesitant steps, Izaya walked to the front door, and rang the bell.

 

A dark-blond haired man opened the door, a little kid also followed him and stood beside his leg. _Izaya saw Haruki’s blue orbs inside the child’s eyes._ He spoke hesitantly;

   -‘’ Ar- Are you Karl Takehashi? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes.. ‘’ The man was puzzled by the young Asian at his doorstep.

 

Izaya opened his bag and took out the ID card, the photograph, and the letters once belonged to Haruki or _Ludwig._ ‘’- I was your brother’s friend..’’ He spoke as he extended the documents to the man.

 

Suddenly, an expression of shock settled behind Karl Takehashi’s glasses. He first said something to the child in German, and the child went inside. Karl took the documents, and first, looked at Haruki’s ID. Some silent tears followed the sight. The man then looked at Izaya; ‘’- Y.. You said you _were_ his friend. Why didn’t he came himself? ‘’

 

Izaya dropped his head down; ‘’- He.. He can’t. Not anymore ‘’ His voice trembled as he squeezed his fists harder. _An abrupt wind caressed his hair, and brought the slight smell of rosemary from a graveyard nearby._

Karl’s wife came near him, ‘’- What is it Karl? ‘’ She asked. On that, Karl gave her the letters and the ID while he himself poured down tears onto the old photograph. ‘’- Oh, Gott..’’ She whispered in a harsh breath.

 

She then said something to her husband and sent him inside. After that, she gently touched Izaya’s hand. With the sudden touch, Izaya looked at her. ‘’- Please come inside. I am sure you have lot to tell ‘’ She said with an accented English. Izaya followed her inside. The kids were sent to their room and three adults sat in the quiet living room.

 

Karl took his glasses off and put them onto the table; ‘’- How did he died? ‘’ He also wiped some tears from his face.

 

Izaya replied without daring to lift his face up. ‘’-Drugs..’’

 

With a slightly trembling hand, Karl took one of the letters and started reading it while Izaya drowned in the lines once whispered into his ear by _the moon. ;_ _‘’ There is not much to be got anywhere in the world. It is filled with misery and pain; if a man escapes these, boredom lies in wait for him at every corner. Nay more; it is evil which generally has the upper hand, and folly that makes the most noise. Fate is cruel and mankind is pitiable.’’_

Izaya wanted to prove otherwise; but he lost the bets he made with the life. Everytime.

* * *

 

Karl Takehashi read the letters. The drugs, _the works,_ everything except how his brother ended up in Japan was written on them. He then looked at the black-haired male who was trying to contain himself, and his brother’s story fell involuntarily from his trembling voice;

 

‘’- Ludwig and I didn’t have parents- ‘’ On the man’s start, Izaya lifted his head up. Karl continued; ‘’- Our granparents raised us in this house. Both of them were strict, but everything was normal considering our situation. Ludwig was the smarter one, and he even learned Japanese from our grandmother-‘’ He halted his speech to gain more control over his voice; ‘’- I think I was thirteen years old, and Haruki was seventeen when he came and told me about a boy.. He told me that they loved each other. I was quite baffled you see, I never knew anything _like that._ But I kept it as a secret… Until one day our grandfather saw the two of them.. ‘’

 

Izaya closed his eyes and dropped his head down.

 

‘’- He kicked him out of the house. It was a some kind of a punishment probably. He thought Ludwig would come back the next day and apologise. But he didn’t. We didn’t get any news from him since then, and our grandparents regarded him dead for the family- ‘’ Karl rubbed his eyes and put his glasses back; ‘’- When they died, I tried to reach him. But he wasn’t in Germany. Do you know how did he ended up in Japan? ‘’

 

Izaya was in despair. _Because he didn’t know. Once again, he didn’t had enough information.._

 

 _‘’- Remember, information is power..’’_ Alexei’s words echoed in Izaya’s ear as he answered;

 

‘’- I have no idea..’’

 

* * *

 

 

Izaya spent the next two days in silent agony and took care of the connections promised to be made between Awakusu-kai and Ryozou Obi. He then left Miyano Takeshi’s job to Shiki and traveled to Berlin to do the other jobs Shiki gave him. Over the two weeks, his backpack was full of documents, names, and papers. At the same time, Izaya prepared for his trip to Istanbul.  He didn’t know where to start, and Shiki also didn’t have any connections there. So he was by himself.

 

‘’- _You can’t let him go, can you? ‘’ That was what Shiki asked him when Izaya told him about his trip to Istanbul. Izaya’s voice went deeper when he answered; ‘’- I can’t let him go, Shiki-san. Because he doesn’t let me go. Not even in my sleep. ‘’ _

 

It has been almost one month since he left his sisters alone. He missed them so much.

 _It has been almost one month since he left Shizuo._ _He missed him so deep._

 

* * *

Ch 1.2 : Istanbul

 

One week passed since he came to Istanbul, and Izaya had no contacts or whatsoever. It was extremely frustrating. He visited Istanbul’s Grand Bazaar and tried to interact with locals, but his attempts failed even though the locals were quite open to talk. He also went to the nightclubs, learned some information but it was mostly useless.

_It is my fault thinking I could rotate without any connections._

 

So the following week, he visited the historical places like _Ayasofya, Topkapi Palace and Basilica Cistern_ to get his mind off from his hand-made fiasco. He didn’t had any time to do sightseeing back in Germany, and he knew his sisters would ask for pictures from the places he went. _Istanbul was magnificent and crowded; Izaya also observed how everybody was on their own business, no one really cared one another, and the people were mostly nice to Izaya even though he occasionally got some weird looks._

One day, Izaya was sitting on a bench at the _Taksim Square_ when his phone called. He didn’t recognize the number, but still answered.

   -‘’ Yes? ‘’  
   -‘’ Hello, Izaya ‘’ _Alexei’s distastefull voice echoed in Izaya’s ear as Izaya fixed his gaze to the flying seagulls._  
   -‘’ What do you want, Alexei? ‘’ Izaya spoke slowly and in a controlled tone.

 

On the other line, Alexei was cutting some C. for himself and the boy lying in bed waiting for him. ‘’- How is your research in Istanbul is going? Did you managed to trace my sources? ‘’ He asked.

Izaya’s teeth clenched; ‘’- How the f- ‘’ He started but Alexei cut his sentence. ‘’- Let _me_ tell you then. There is a Chinese place in _Kadikoy,_ and the name you’re looking for is _Nusret Temel_. I did all the businesses with him, and the meetings took place in that Chinese place. Are you satisfied now? ‘’

   -‘’ Why are you telling me this? ‘’ Hidden behind his sunglasses, Izaya’s expression was stiff and his eyebrows were clenched.  
   -‘’ Because I am curious what will you do when you finally find me. ‘’

 

Izaya clenched his fingers to the wooden part of the bench; ‘’- I will learn everything about you-‘’ He grinned to himself as his eyes grew bigger, and voice got deeper ‘’- And I will reopen your wounds. Figuratively, and literally, Alexei. ‘’ _The ocean growled and his growl imitated the sound of a venomous snake._

 

Alexei smiled in ecstasy; ‘’- I can’t wait. I am now at Tangier, Morocco by the way. Do you think you will follow me here?’’

   -‘’ No. ‘’  
   -‘’ I see..’’  
   -‘’ You want to be loved, Alexei? Is this the reason you play with me? ‘’ This was something Izaya was theorizing for a long time. But he himself was surprised when his thoughts found voice all of a sudden.

 

Alexei’s one brow lifted up, he put away the metal in his hand; ‘’- Believe me, Izaya. I have been loved, and it was the most painful thing that I have ever experienced'' 

 

Izaya stopped right there as the crowd passed him with their quick steps.

 

   -‘’ It’s fascinating how one can develop themselves over some quick months. For example, you became ‘Orihara of Ikebukuro’, despite the fact that you were having a panic attack on the phone the last time we spoke..’’ Alexei made use of Izaya’s silence and added.  
   -‘’ Sh- Shut up Alexei ‘’

 

_The line went silent._

* * *

 

Ch 1.3: Back to Ikebukuro

 

Since it was now absolutely pointless to trace down Alexei’s jobs; Izaya went back to Ikebukuro three days later he talked to him. He gave detailed reports about the bosses in Germany to Shiki. Settled other matters, and two weeks later, he was once again sucked in this endless circle of getting information, playing with it, then selling it away.

 

He was sleeping more since the girls started to make their own breakfast –thanks to Celty-, they still woke Izaya sometimes to make him join them, or to take something down from the cupboards, but Izaya was happy to see them more… _grown up._

* * *

 

 

 

Over the period of a month, Heiwajima Shizuo grew an hate towards night-shifts since not even one of them happened without an incident. Still, he had to replace for an another bartender for tonight, _just for this night._

He sighed and decided to take a break when he saw a guy harassing a woman. He got out and told the bodyguard to kick him out. He then went near a vending machine to smoke a cigarette.

 

He breathed deep, counted to ten as he massaged his temples. One cigarette was finished when he first _smelled-_

   -‘’ Shi-zu-chan ‘’ Izaya skipped from an alleyway and greeted him with a cute voice.

 

Instantly, Shizuo’s teeth clenched, but he refused to look at him, _even though he desperately wanted to._ ‘’- What do you want, Izaya? ‘’ He mumbled with his deep voice as his hand traveled to take an another cigarette. _The packet was empty. Nice._

 

‘’-Ne--‘’ Izaya tried to go into the blond’s eyesight but failed. He then came closer to Shizuo’s face and haunted the other with the usual edge in his voice; ‘’-Ne, Shizu-chan. It seems like you haven’t dyed your hair yet- ‘’ He poked the brown in the other’s hair, making Shizuo slowly close his eyes.. ‘’-That makes me think that you aren’t really getting over our breakup, hm? ‘’

 

Shizuo’s hand on the vending machine tightened as sparks of red danced in front of his eyes. ‘’- Izayaa ‘’ Izaya calmly took a step aside as the vending machine came flying towards him.

Izaya brought his arms to his side; ‘’- Too bad, Shizu-chan. Try again. ‘’

 

Shizuo then realized what he just did. _Did I threw a fucking vending machine at him?_ His fists clenched and abrupt deep breaths started harassing his throat. _What if it hit him?_

_What if.. Jesus.._

 

Seeing the other on the verge of a strange panic attack, Izaya thought; ‘’ _Well that didn’t turned out as I expected. ‘’, ‘’ More encouragement then ‘’_  Izaya grinned and took out his switchblade.

‘’- Let’s play Shizu-chaan! I am not scared of you, let’s play ‘’

 

The other’s voice echoed in Shizuo’s brain and a nostalgia hit him in red. _Izaya dyed everything in red._

‘’- I-ZA-YAAA’’ _Shizuo growled as he started chasing Izaya. That night, the street that they played a cat and mouse game was awakened and people saw two young males running and occasionally fighting._

_The street legend of ‘’ Heiwajima Shizuo and Izaya Orihara ‘’ started that night._

* * *

 

 

_A month later.._

Both Izaya and the girls were trying to adapt to their new home in Shinjuku. Well.. it wasn’t _home_ as in two bedrooms and a small living room. _It was a huge penthouse._ Izaya listened to Shiki when he told Izaya that ‘he will help out’ and decided to invest in a nice house. Shiki was in charge of it when Izaya was gone. And this was…

Wow.

 

Still, Izaya kept the apartment in Ikebukuro since the girls were sometimes staying there. He could give it to them when they decide to move out..

 

Izaya neatly organised his documents and folders, bought _a lot_ of books and couple of laptops.  Two cleaning ladies were coming two days a week, and Izaya was amazed how they finished the job everytime, when he himself couldn’t manage to completely tidy up a small apartment back in Ikebukuro.

 

Information brought a lot of money too. Izaya was feeling a little overwhelmed, but he enjoyed it nevertheless. He skipped from one place to the other, worked, haunted Shizuo, and was haunted by Alexei at nights. _Izaya wasn’t sure what to do next, and Alexei kept appearing in his nightmares._

 

He was working on his laptop when the bell rang. There were three hours till the girls came back from school. He wasn’t expecting anyone today. He got up and looked at the camera. It was a shipping delivery guy.

Izaya opened the door.

   -‘’ Orihara Izaya? ‘’  
   -‘’ Yes.’’  
   -‘’ There is a package for you ‘’

 

Izaya wasn’t sure if this was an auspiciousness or a suspiciousness he was feeling when he closed the door and opened the package. There was a box with a letter attached to it. Izaya opened the letter and was greeted with a nice handwritten latin alphabet;

 

_‘’  From Akira Kovaleva, mother of Alexei Ivanovich Kovalev… ‘’_

 

Izaya sloppily sat onto the floor and his back hit to the wall. He swallowed once and continued reading.

 

_‘’(..) If you are still alive, please visit me in Russia. There is enough information and money in the box that came with this letter._

_I pray to God for your well being…_

_Akira Kovaleva ‘’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it?


	2. We're All Drifting In The January Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now... I really loved this chapter, and I think this is one of my best. There were a lot of parallels between characters, even chapters. Some words were used to imply two meanings and all that.. Um.. Don't forget to read the end notes when you finish the chapter
> 
> Vocab:  
> Vanya; The short form or the diminutive of the name ' Ivan '  
> Alyosha: The short form or the affectionate diminutive of the name 'Alexei '
> 
> I may proof read this after I drink a coffee, or else I will proof read it tomorrow

Ch 2: _Your guilt will be your past, and that will be your God_

 

_‘Alexei’s mother…? ‘_

 

Izaya’s one hand traveled up to his forehead as he read the letter for a second time. _‘’If you are still alive ‘’_ What was this supposed to mean? Was this another one of Alexei’s games?

 

Izaya was once again, afraid and lost.

 

He didn’t know how long he sat by the door, slumped to the wall, but when the bell all of a sudden rang, he jumped in fear.

He stood up and opened the door to see Shiki. The older swung his phone; ‘’- You haven’t been answering your phone..’’ The rest of his sentence was supposed to be _‘ I came to see if everything is alright’_. But judging by the boy’s limestone white face and the slight trembling on his shoulders, it was obvious to Shiki that something alarming was going on. Once again, Shiki was grateful for following his instincts.

With clumsy movements, Izaya took out his phone and saw four unanswered calls. It has been three hours since he got the package. _Was I sitting here all this time?_  Apologising, he let Shiki in.

‘’- What is that in your hand? ‘’ Shiki asked, pointing out the letter in Izaya’s hands. Izaya gave the letter to Shiki.

 

The yakuza executive’s characteristically firm expression grew stiffer as he read the letter. _Well, this looks like trouble._ He then took out a switchblade and leaned to open the package. He gave a vague look towards Izaya; ‘’- Stop trembling like a cat, Izaya’’ He mumbled and opened the package.

Izaya clutched the side of his shirt and steadied himself.

‘’- Let’s take these to the table and look into it’’ Shiki took the package and the letter, and Izaya closed the door then silently followed him to the coffee table. There, they examined the documents that came with the package.

 

There was address information, an another envelope, and some money in the package. Izaya opened the other envelope. He took out two photographs.

_Both photographs had the same eight… maybe nine year old boy. He was sitting under an enormous tree with a little bunny or a cat on his lap, and a big smile on his face. Izaya wasn’t sure which one it was since the photographs were quite old._

It then occured to him.

 _No. This couldn’t be Alexei, right?_  Izaya closed his eyes and put the photographs back into the envelope with more force than necessary.

   -‘’ What do you think? This could easily be a trap. ‘’ Shiki spoke.  
   -‘’ I..I think I need to go to Russia. ‘’  
   -‘’ You will be endangering many things..’’

 

On that, Izaya turned his face to Shiki; ‘’- I know ‘’ He breathed out, then repeated; ‘’- I know. ‘’ The fear lying inside him dried his throat.

 

Shiki sighed and a silent prayer for his foster child’s salvation echoed inside his brain. _He could provide safety for him, but salvation would take more than guns and money._

_It would take a war, made inside one’s mind._

 

With a fatherly movement, Shiki put Izaya’s head on his shoulder and gave a squeeze to his neck; ‘’- If that bastard does something to you, I swear to God- ‘’ Shiki’s voice got deeper ‘’- I’ll kill him. By my own hands, Izaya’’

 

Izaya nodded; ‘’- I will save myself, Shiki-san-‘’ There was something in Shiki’s parfume that gave strenght to one. _‘’_ \- I will rescue my being.. ‘’

* * *

 

 

Thanks to Awakusu-kai’s relations in Russia, preparations for his trip took shorter than expected. Izaya had a hard time explaining to the twins why he had to leave them alone once again. In the end, Kururi gave a little kiss on her brother’s cheek and understood, but Mairu just left the room.

 

Torn between thinking it is a trap or an opportunity to learn more about Alexei, Izaya’s dreams went darker starting from that day he got the letter.

 

_He mostly saw blood. On his hands, on his chest and lips… And all of a sudden, a ground filled with viscous bitumen would swallow him and he would be screaming for help. Then if he fail to wake up, the scenery would change and he’d find himself in the ocean; Drowning. He’d feel the pain inside his lungs as the salty water would invade them. He then would extend a hand towards the distant sun and smile before closing his eyes…_

After a particularly bad dream, Izaya decided to pay a visit to Shizuo. There were three days until his visit to St. Petersburg, Russia.

* * *

 

 

He found him wandering on the crowded streets of Ikebukuro. Izaya knew Shizuo recently lost his job again, therefore, their chase was more thrilling today. But then Izaya accidentally took a wrong turn and found himself in a closed alleyway; ‘’-fuck’’ He cursed under his breath.

 

With as little force as possible, Shizuo pinned Izaya against the wall. _‘ Don’t hurt him. Breathe. Don’t hurt him..’_

‘’- Why are you doing this to me, Izaya? ‘’ He asked. His words strained with occasional hisses in his fast breathing pace. Izaya stayed silent and dropped his gaze to the ground.

‘’- Izaya! ‘’ Shizuo’s fist clenched and he flew it towards the other. Izaya instinctively closed his eyes and turned his face.

 

Some crumbling pieces of plaster fell on Izaya’s jacket and he opened his eyes to see Shizuo punching the wall right next to him, instead of his face. ‘’-Stop doing this to me, Izaya.. You hear me?- ‘’ The blond yelled; ‘’- One hit from me, and you’d be dead or fucking injured- ‘’ His fist clenched more on the plaster, drawing blood from his knuckles; ‘’- And if that happens.. I can not forgive myself.. I..I can’t ‘’ He then slowly leaned in and pressed their foreheads together.

 

 Izaya lifted a hand to _the sun’s_ cheek; ‘’- I am going to Russia, Shizu-chan ‘’

    -‘’ Why the f. would I care? ‘’ Shizuo mumbled, feeling the cold and sweat on Izaya’s forehead.

Without dropping his hand on Shizuo’s cheek, Izaya lifted his head and looked inside the other’s amber eyes. There, Shizuo saw a smile that was heavy… and sore. _Izaya carried so many secrets._ His smile hid so much but mercilessly, looked like the most beautiful thing in the entire universe.

   -‘’ If.. something happens to me, you’d look after my sisters, right? ‘’ Izaya asked.

 

Shizuo’s brows furrowed and he took his injured hand on the wall back, and put it on Izaya’s hand cooling down his cheek; ‘’- What are you talking about? ‘’

‘’- Nothing.. just-‘’ Izaya slowly dropped his hand and turned to walk away; ‘’- See you’’

 

Shizuo could only watch as his haunting ghost vaporised into the dark air of the silent alleyway.

* * *

 

 

Ch 2.1: Alexei Ivanovich Kovalev

 

_St Petersburg, Russia_

Izaya was disturbed by the metal object adding extra weight to his backpack. It was a handgun that Shiki managed to deliver to Izaya when he arrived to Russia two days ago. Back in Ikebukuro, Shiki taught him how to use it, and Izaya practised. Still, it felt heavier every second he sat on this private car driving him to the address that came with the letter. To relax himself, Izaya tried to give his attention to the signs written in Cyrilic alpabet. Thanks to Simon from the sushi place, Izaya managed to learn the alphabet in a relatively short time, even though he didn’t know much about the language itself.

The weather was cloudy and the sky was gray. The vehicle past vividly coloured magnificent architectures, then past the most colourless buildings Izaya has ever seen. An industrial silence was covering those areas, apart from the occasional yellings from the angry drivers.

Izaya placed his backpack in front of him and tried to gulp down, ignore or overthrow the pounding in his heart. He closed his eyes as he leaned towards the top of his backpack and rested his head on it. _Stop thinking. Stop focusing on bad._

_Stop being afraid._

Izaya tried to bring back the image of Shizuo’s smiling face, and the dimple on his cheek. His tousled hair under moonlight, and the warmth of his hands, _his heart._

 

Izaya’s muscles relaxed.

 

* * *

 

 

Couple of hours later, judging from the forest surrounding the sides of the road, Izaya suspected that they were at the outskirts of the city. After an additional fifteen minutes, the vehicle stopped in front of a breathtaking mansion. It looked more like an historical palace than a mansion, though. Oriental detailings were engraved to the columns, lion shaped gargoyles were feeding the circular pond placed in front of the entrance. The mansion stood in between the forest like Zeus sitting on his throne at the Mount Olympus.

Izaya got out from the taxi, and since the garden gates were open, he came eye-to-eye with the gardener and the housemaid. The two were talking when the maid saw Izaya. Immediately, her eyes grew larger and mouth opened in shock. She then told something to the gardener and almost ran towards Izaya.

She gave a rather amateur Japanese style bow, it was obvious she wasn’t doing it often; ‘’-Welcome- ‘’ She spoke in an heavy accented English ‘’-My lady has been waiting for your arrival ‘’ The tall gardener took Izaya’s suitcases and Izaya followed the maid inside.

 

‘’-Please wait for a second here. I will inform my lady about your arrival ‘’ They came in a guest room and she pointed out an antique looking emerald green couch for Izaya to sit. Izaya did so, and started waiting for her as he lightly massaged his sore legs from the long car ride. He then fixed his posture and re-analyzed his situation.

 _It’s not a trap then. I really will meet with Alexei’s mother._ He looked at the scenery outside.

 _Then think it as business. Get as much information as possible._ He then breathed out and and gave a charming smile to the maid when she came back.

 

She escaped her eyes shyly and bowed once again; ‘’- Please follow me ‘’

 

* * *

 

Izaya got into a spacious dimly lit room and the maid closed the door behind him. There was a fireplace burning, and the walls were mostly covered with long bookshelves all filled with books.

Akira Kovaleva lifted her chin higher and looked at the young boy walking towards her. She sensed hesitation from his steps, and a tragedy could be read inside his dark-red eyes, even though he was trying to replace it with an unholy wickedness.

 

Akira Kovaleva was sitting like a strong queen; with her left hand on top of other on her knees. She had rubies decorating her ears and finger. _A skin where life had it’s failed attempts on aging it, and brown eyes that had the deepest shades of a forest._ Izaya was sure she was full-blooded Japanese.

 

She gave a solemn smile to him, and Izaya saw the little wrinkles around her eyes; ‘’- Welcome. Your name was Izaya, right? ‘’ She spoke in Japanese with a brush of Russian accent. Izaya replied; ‘’-Yes ‘’

She gestured towards the velvet seat across her; ‘’-Please ‘’ Izaya sat down. ‘’- I am Akira Kovaleva, Alexei’s mother’’ She introduced herself properly.

 

Fire of the fireplace heated Izaya’s cheeks. He first didn’t know what to say. Then hesitantly spoke ‘’- What was the meaning behind your letter, Lady Kovaleva? ‘’ He asked, unsure about the formality of his speech.

 

On Izaya’s question, _the queen_ stood up with dilatory movements, and walked towards a drawer. She took out four photograps from it and put them seperately onto the table in between Izaya and herself. She then sat back.

 

The photographs were small, similar to the ones you see in ID cards.

 

 _ID cards.._ Izaya’s brows furrowed when he saw the faces on the photographs.

_One of them was Haruki, with his long hair and piercing blue eyes.._

_One of them was Izaya himself._

_The rest.._ With pleading eyes, Izaya looked at the woman.

 

‘’- You need to excape from him, Izaya-kun’’ She spoke. She then dropped her eyes to the photographs; ‘’- Do you know what happened to these.. _young men_? ‘’

 _He knew what happened to Haruki._ Izaya gave an evasive look to the woman; ‘’- Just one of them. ‘’ He replied.

 

 _The queen’s_ eyes were sticked to one particular photograph where a sixteen year old Russian was haunting her oncoming words with his no-longer ageable face. ‘’- They died. All from suicide- ‘’ When she lifted her face up, she saw the other’s pupils grew larger; ‘’- But I am afraid It wouldn’t be too convincing to say that they were only suicides…’’

 

Izaya gulped a tasteless acidic liquid down; ‘’- A..Alexei did it, didn’t he? ‘’ It burned his stomach and throat, the throbbing in his head became one with the sound of the burning wood.

 _The queen_ turned her head sideways towards the fireplace; ‘’- He..- ‘’ She stopped, her lips tightened; ‘’- He talked to them, _and be with them…_ ‘’ She managed to spill out.

 

 _Do you know, dear reader, what colour the truth comes in?_ _Red._ _Red of blood._

_A person can harm one other just by his or her words, and nowhere in the world that person’s existence would count as murder._

 

Izaya tensed; ‘’- Is this the reason why you wrote ’If you are still alive?’  ‘’

Lady Kovaleva looked at Izaya with a faint smile on her lips; ‘’- Yes, and I am so happy to see you alive. ‘’

 

_The invinsible Shinigami flew near Izaya’s ear and huffed a disgusting breath; ‘’- Be careful, Izaya. You’re threatening the agreement ‘’ He reminded Izaya of his slowly watering waterline._

 

Izaya blinked back his tears and gave his attention to the room. ‘’-This building is quite _vast_.. Are you living here by yourself? ‘’ He changed the subject as his eyes traveled to the portrait of a man hanging on the wall. He had a stiff expression, with his cheekbones squeezed and brown hair slicked back. He watched the room like a general. When he saw his freezing blue eyes, Izaya concluded that this was Alexei’s father.

 

The lady answered; ‘’- Yes. ‘’

   -‘’ Isn’t it…’’  
   -‘’ Alone? ‘’ She asked and saw Izaya’s escaping eyes. ‘’-Loneliness comes from the human nature itself. It is the society who seperates us from this basic nature. ‘’ She spoke.

 

Izaya gave a silent laugh that didn’t reach to his eyes; ‘’- Sounds like something Alexei would say ‘’

‘’- Yes. Because he told me this, when he was twelve. ‘’ Akira Kovaleva leaned and took the photograph of the young Russian.

 

    -‘’ Will you tell me about your son’s past, Lady Kovaleva? ‘’ Izaya asked, straightforward. A silence fell to the room. When she didn’t give a reply, Izaya added; ‘’- You.. will be betraying your own son..’’

 

 _The queen’s_ voice was whispery as she said; ‘’- I.. don’t even know if he’s my son anymore..’’ She didn’t lift her brown eyes from the photograph inside her palm; ‘’- Alexei was a kid that cried when he shot a bird during the hunting with his father.. I.. I can’t believe how he became this..’’ Her lips trembled for the word ‘ _murderer’_ but the heart of the mother couldn’t say it.

 

   -‘’ Everything happens _with_ a reason, Lady Kovaleva ‘’ Izaya pushed. _This is business._  
   -‘’ Yes.. yes I know- ‘’ She breathed and catched her glorious stance once again; ‘’- I know you deserve to know. But… you have to escape from him. ‘’

 

Ch 2.2: The Curtain Opens

 

Akira Kovaleva looked at the portrait of her husband; ‘’- This wasn’t a marriage of love. I come from a family that once served Shoguns by staying outside of Japan. We have a long history. But at some point, it seems like my family had some disagreements with the government of their time, and permanently settled in Russia. When I was a young girl, this country also was having it’s traumas, and my family decided to marry me with Ivan, who’s family was untouchable that time. This was their way to keep me safe, and in Russia. ‘’

 

The velvet of the seat was both harsh and soft to Izaya’s touch. _The line between the black and white started bleeding to gray._

 

She continued; ‘’- Our child was half Russian, which was a problem. That was why _Vanya_ didn’t want an another child and _gave the utmost care and education to Alexei- ‘’_

‘’- Do you mean _strict? ‘’_ Izaya commented with a silent voice.

 

Akira Kovaleva’s heartbeat fastened; ‘’- He.. couldn’t afford rumours. Alexei had to be raised _like a Russian_..’’ Even she wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.

Izaya’s eyes traveled on the other’s slightly trembling hands; ‘’- Alexei speaks Japanese better than you, Akira-san ‘’ He spoke and watched as her eyes close with an exhale.

 

She then looked at Izaya; ‘’- Because I helped him escape to Japan, when he was seventeen. ‘’

The tension grew in the room; ‘’- What happened ? ‘’ Izaya asked.

 

_A dark tragedy was lying inside the mother’s eyes as she untied the sanguine seal on her tongue;_

 

‘’- Alexei dared to fall in love- ‘’ She then took the photograph of the young Russian and turned it to Izaya; ‘’- And this poor boy dared to love him back. ‘’

 

Izaya felt a rush of adrenaline in his fingertips as he took the photograph. Akira Kovaleva continued; ‘’-His name was Andrei. I think they met when Alexei started going to… what was the term.. public high-school. Andrei was raised to be a ballet dancer and was highly regarded as the future of the Russian ballet. I think Alexei loved him because Andrei was strong- ‘’ She gave a little sad smile; ‘’-  Because my son had poor health and was weak, especially when he was little. He maybe wanted to emulate Andrei’s strenght. From what I could gather from Alexei’s personal writings, the two were _close.._ And at some point, that caused some unwanted gossip among people..’’

 

The boy in the picture had eyes that were looking deep, he had slightly curly hair like you see in _Michalangelo’s David_. ‘’- Did you know about it? ‘’ Izaya asked, the dawn was walking towards the top of the building. Izaya heard the sound of silverware clattering somewhere.

 

Akira Kovaleva covered her eyes with her hand and looked sideways; ‘’- No. I learned that day when Ivan dragged _Alyosha_ to home and…’’ She couldn’t go on. Her voice trembled as the dark corners of her mind reminded her of her child’s wails. Izaya saw the tears she was trying to hide under her fingers. He slowly got up from the seat and sat on his knees in front of _the queen._ He then took the hand on her face and put his own hand on top of it.

 

_Izaya felt this littlest regret for making her cry._

_Because this woman was strong. Her every move, every breath, her straight back and timeless pain was proving it._

_Akira Kovaleva was nothing like Izaya’s mother._

_Izaya’s mother never fought back. ‘’ Don’t cry too much, Izaya. Be quiet and docile. Don’t yell- ‘’ Izaya remembered his mother’ s words. ‘’ -And don’t love too much. ‘’_

At first, Izaya thought it was once again the Shinigami touching his cheek, but it was _the queen._ ‘’- Ivan was never soft, but after then, he tormented Alexei. And Alexei tormented Andrei. Whatever his father did, Alexei would do the same to Andrei..’’

Izaya brows furrowed; ‘’- Wh- ‘’ He swallowed dryly; ‘’-Why? ‘’

 

‘’-Because Alexei tried to push him away by agonizing him. But even after Alexei’s tortures, Andrei still wanted to meet with him in private. When he learned about it, Vanya grew more violent, and Alexei grew more violent towards Andrei until- ‘’ _A sob pushed itself out from the queen’s mouth_. ‘’- Andrei hanged himself. Leaving a note to Alexei that he forgave him. I watched as my son’s sanity collapsed with a scream. He was never the same again…‘’ _Her tears dropped onto Izaya’s hand._

_Izaya then understood the meaning behind his mother’s advice; ‘’ Don’t love too much..’’_

_Couple of chess pieces rolled onto the metaphysical floor of Izaya’s mind._

* * *

 

 

After a rather _majestic_ dinner, Akira Kovaleva escorted Izaya to a basement-like room. ‘’- This is where Alexei spends most of his time when he visits me. ‘’ There were numerous canvases scattered around, and they were covered by white sheets. A distant smell of paint and chemicals filled Izaya’s lungs as Akira Kovaleva uncovered the first canvas. _There, Andrei was looking at Izaya with a silent smile on his narrow lips._

 

_The second canvas was uncovered and Haruki’s long hair and his red lipstick on his lips greeted Izaya._

 

Izaya escaped his eyes. _Calm down. This is business. You’re getting information. Calm down._

   -‘’ What happened to your husband, Akira-san? ‘’ Izaya asked.

 

Akira Kovaleva gave a vague look to Izaya before walking towards the largest canvas and uncovering the sheet on top of it ‘’- You don’t need to know that ‘’ She murmured.

 

Izaya’s breath hitched when he saw the painting on the canvas.

 

_There, Izaya was lying on the bed, his body limp on top of dark-red sheets. His eyes were closed, and his body was in bruises accompanying to the scars on his back.._

_Alexei painted the day he lost his control and beat Izaya._

Izaya’s one hand clutched his chest and he fell onto the floor on his knees. Violent colours on the canvas felt like a punch to his stomach, he started suffocating in the memories and looked to the floor..

 

_The floor started to turn into black tar like he saw in his dreams and a yellow butterfly landed on top of it._

_It turned black._

 

 

Akira Kovaleva kneed down beside the broken being and wrapped her arms to his shoulders. ‘’- Breathe, Izaya ‘’ She whispered and closed Izaya’s eyes with her hand. ‘’- Breathe ‘’

 

_It was so hard, you know, trying not to break down crying._

_But The Shinigami was repyling and opening the way for Izaya’s revenge, and Izaya had no intention of breaking the contract._

 

Ch 2.3: Relapse

 

Before sleeping, Izaya took from the medication he got a refill from Shinra before he traveled to Russia. He was changing into his pajamas when Shiki called.

    -‘’ How is everything going on? ‘’ The yakuza executive asked.  
    -‘’ I learned everything, Shiki-san- ‘’ Izaya’s eyes gleamed with evil; ‘’- I will shoot him in his own game ‘’

 

On the other line, Shiki’s brows furrowed; ‘’- Don’t play big, Izaya. This is not poker. If you’re planning to stay, I have some jobs you can take care of while you are there ‘’

 

‘’- It’d be an honour, Shiki-san ‘’ Izaya grinned.

 

* * *

 

 

Some of the jobs Shiki gave him lasted longer than expected so Izaya stayed in Akira Kovaleva’s mansion for two months. He explored the enormous city of St. Petersburg, went to Moscow, and learned a bit of Russian from Lady Kovaleva. Izaya always thought that Alexei’s intelectual capacity was sublime, but it was obvious that the Lady was involved in it, for she could conversate about philosophy, art, and politics for hours easily.

 

His dreams were also soothed a little, he wasn’t really seeing Alexei. Instead, Izaya was hearing his mother’s voice… _There were little boxes in Izaya’s mind where he’d lock memories. Some of them were locked for a long, long time because if he remembered them, Izaya knew he’d go crazy. So he would ignore them._

 

 

One night, Shizuo called;

   -‘’ I.. uhm.. saw your sisters the other day… Mairu is really angry you know.. They’re missing you.'’  
   -‘’ I will return the next week. I heard that you went to cinema with them, thank you Shizu-chan I knew I could trust you ‘’ Izaya gave a little chuckle.

 

On the other line, Shizuo ran a hand through his newly dyed hair; ‘’- Yeah..You just went after saying weird things.. I.. I was worried ‘’

Izaya put his hand on his knee; ‘’-Sorry- ‘’ He then added; ‘’- How is your new job going? Do you like being a debt collector? ‘’

‘’- No. ‘’ Shizuo was quick to answer; ‘’- But it seems like the more illegal I go, the more I get paid. So I can’t complain. ‘’

 

Izaya laughed; ‘’-Will you play with me when I come back? ‘’ The edge in Izaya’s voice made Shizuo slightly clench his teeth.

‘’-Shut the fuck up ‘’ The blond murmured as he walked to the living room.

 

   -‘’ Good night Shizu-chaaan’’  
   -‘’ Yeah.. ‘’

 

Izaya hung up, feeling like a little schoolgirl with fluttering inside his stomach.

* * *

 

 

_Shinjuku, Japan._

 

It took three weeks of day-and-night work but Izaya finally managed to get the piled up work done. And he spent all his free time with his sisters until Mairu finally forgave him;

 _-’' I am not angry. Stupid onii-chan ‘’_ She furrowed her brows as she ate the bluberry cupcakes Izaya bought.  
_-‘’ She forgives you ‘’_ Kururi added happily.

 

It’s been three weeks since he came back to Japan, and Izaya finally had the time to taunt Shizuo.

At the afternoon, he first visited Shiki and gave some documents to him, then started searching for Shizuo. He was in an alleyway when he saw him across the street with his friend Tom, and..

_A slender young woman with light blond hair was walking with them. She was talking to Shizuo when they stopped in front of a vending machine._

 

Izaya took a step back and found himself lost in the black of the alleyway. _Calm down. You’re overreacting._

 

_She gave a drink from the vending machine, to Shizuo._

 

Vorona was talking about the fragile bones in human body like she was an anatomy book when Shizuo smelled something.. _Minty and nice_. He then took the drink she gave him and looked around.

    -‘’ Is there a problem Shizuo? ‘’ Tom asked.  
    -‘’ No.. Just. ‘’ His eyebrows furrowed and the smell merged into the breeze of Ikebukuro.

 

Izaya started walking back home.

 

_‘They are probably just colloques…’_

_His brain replied sarcastically; ‘’- Yeah a debt collector woman, that makes sense. ‘’_

_‘There are strong women too’ Izaya argued with himself._

_His brain gave a little laugh; ‘’- Then she must be a hell of a woman-‘’ then added ‘’- A woman that could attract Shizuo… ‘’_

 

_‘ Shut up’_

_‘ Shut up’_

_‘ Shut up’_

_But his brain was right wasn’t it? Izaya dumped him, and he wanted Shizuo to be happy._

_And that woman was beautiful._

_So why was he sitting on his couch, with his hands wrapped to his legs?_

‘’-It’s fine. ‘’ Izaya murmured to himself. ‘’- It’s fine. ‘’ Louder.

 

‘’- I have been alone all my life, it’s fine. ‘’

 

It was fine, and Izaya was happy that he stopped hurting Shizuo. He didn’t replied to his calls and succesfully avoided him in the next two weeks.

 

_‘’- Maybe he really doesn’t want to see me.. ‘’ Shizuo thought, ending a yet another unanswered call; ‘’ Fucking flea, I don’t understand what he thinks.. ‘’_

 

* * *

 

 

Two Weeks Later;

 

Every cell of Izaya screamed _danger_ when he stood in front of his apartment in Shinjuku. The door was closed, but Izaya knew someone was in there.

_The girls are in school._

_The cleaning ladies aren’t coming today._

 

Izaya straightened his back and opened the door;

‘’- You should either hide your heavy parfume, or the smell of blood on your hands, when you break into someone’s apartment, Alexei. ‘’

 

Alexei greeted him from the armchair with his soulles smile, his crossed legs, and a gun in his hand; ‘’- Hello, Izaya.’’

Izaya closed the door and walked inside. _You have the equal grounds. Play with him._ He put his left hand on his hip and pointed out the gun with his right; ‘’- What? You’re that afraid of me? ‘’

 

Alexei looked at the gun in his hand; ‘’-Ah.. this? This just for an experiment. ‘’ He then ordered; ‘’- Open your laptop and look at your inbox. ‘’

 

Izaya slowly took his jacket off and sat onto the couch across Alexei. He then opened his laptop to see one anonymous message. He clicked on it.

A video file started playing.

Alexei watched as Izaya lost a piece from his sanity.

 

_The video was from the night where Izaya took C. and, Haruki took him._

 

Izaya’s whole body started shaking pathetically. _No._ He closed the video. _No. This wasn’t supposed to happen. When did he.._

_Please, no._

Alexei stood up; ‘’-Now.. let’s start the experiment. ‘’ He sat right next to Izaya and put the gun in front of him onto the coffee table. Izaya’s fingers clenched to the sides of the laptop.

 

 _The snake_ then slightly opened Izaya’s legs and traveled his hand on his thighs. Izaya started hypervantilating.

_No._

_Don’t.._

Izaya’s eyes were fixed to the gun on the table. Alexei followed Izaya’s eyes as he groped the organ in between his legs. He leaned into Izaya’s ear as he felt Izaya’s muscles harden; ‘’- You told me you will kill me. There, I put the gun in front of you. ‘’ He hardened his grip on Izaya’s private part.

 

If you were to put Izaya in an ice bath, he wouldn’t tremble this much.

 

‘’- Yes.. ‘’ Alexei gave a long moan and put his teeth on Izaya’s neck. ‘’- You can’t.. right? ‘’ He then drawed his hand back and put his fingers on Izaya’s quivering lips; ‘’- Because now there are consequences. ‘’

 

_The Shinigami bursted into a maniacal laughter when he saw the tears on Izaya’s cheeks._

 

Alexei brushed Izaya’s lips with his thumb; ‘’- Because even if you kill me, you know that I have people who can make that video a top seller porn. And then what would happen? ‘’

 

Izaya closed his eyes and more tears fell to his pale cheeks.

 

‘’- Let me tell you then.. You would lose everything. ‘’ _‘’-Everything._ ‘’

 

He then took the gun back. ‘’- How was Russia, how much my mother has revealed to you? ‘’ He asked but then stopped ‘’- Wait, don’t answer that, you can answer in our next _appointment._ ‘’ He stood up but before leaving, moved a piece from Izaya’s chessboard. ‘’- I will text you the place. ‘’

 

Alexei said ‘’- I will text you the place ‘’, but what Izaya heard was; _‘’- Checkmate ‘’_

 

_‘’-Bravo!’’ The Shinigami clapped his hands and laughed. ‘’-Bravo! ‘’ He then flew his darkness around Izaya and hugged him from the back. Izaya felt his claws on his collarbones. ‘’-You broke the agreement, Orihara Izaya. Now… are you ready for the consequences? ‘’_

 

Izaya ran away from the possible hallucination and found himself in the bathroom. He opened the medical closet like he was going to break it and took out _something._

_It was something. He was keeping it just in case._

_Izaya opened the yellow bottle of…. something._

 

The ocean was in love with the sun.

But the moon knew all his secrets.

 

Izaya relapsed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you figure out where I put the 'foreshadowing'? Let's read the excerpt from the ninth chapter of House of the Rising Sun;
> 
> The manic state of the drug hit him hard; Izaya started giggling impulsively and scratched the area in between his two collarbones harshly. With his every claw to his neck, Izaya felt more and more happy. He heard Alexei and Haruki talking but he also didn’t heard Alexei and Haruki talking. The entire solar system crushed into Izaya’s being.;
> 
> -‘’ Ne-Alexei, what do you want me to do with him? ‘’  
> -‘’ Fuck him until he is senseless’’ Alexei replied with a voice that could cool the Middle-East. Izaya heard the metal sound of the tray when Alexei turned and put it onto the writing table.  
> -‘’ Aren’t you going to join us? ‘’  
> -‘’ No. ‘’ Alexei refused Haruki’s offer and sat onto the chair of the writing table and began doing something on his phone.
> 
> -  
> \--- Yep, this was what he was doing on his phone..  
> Now that's a gamechanger don't you think?  
> Plot Twist 2: The Shinigami is actually the author, yours truly. Love you all, plz don't be angry with me and I hope you continue on reading **-**


	3. Danse Macabre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was finished two days ago but I edited like hundred times. Events are quite fine but I think I wasn't pleased with the writing. I don't know, I will be waiting for your comments.  
> This chapter was really deep as it dealt with psychology more than fast action. Ch 3.2 was the hardest for me to write because instead of writing a filler chapter, I choose to put a timeskip, I hope I did good. The next chapter will explain more about Izaya's thinking/psychology *and it's origins*  
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDDDDDDDDD IN THE NEXT CHAPTER SHIZUO IS GOING TO LEARN EVERYTHING HALLELUJA OH MY GOD. I finished an entire poetry book just to get inspired for chapter and I am still reading :D:D
> 
> Vocab:  
> 1\. Shouganai : One of the hardest words in japanese to translate, in my opinion ofc. It's like ''It can't be helped'' ''I can't do anything about it anymore so I am quitting '' It's like turning your back away in despair against a problem. *amazing dictionay I know.*  
> 2\. Agape: Agape is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love.  
> 3\. Danse Macabre: Dance of death  
> 4\. I re-told the story of Icarus, but the original is shortly; Daedalus is a brilliant inventor. Unfortunately, he angers King Minos, the ruler of the island Crete, and he has to hightail it out of there. Desperate to flee the island, Daedalus uses wax to build some wings for himself and his son Icarus. Daddy Daedalus warns his son to fly at a middle height: the seawater will dampen the wings and the sun will melt them. (Not good either way.)
> 
> Icarus heeds his father's advice for a bit, but then he gets cocky. He's having so much fun flying that he forgets the warning and flies too close to the sun. Sure enough, his wings melt, and Icarus plummets into the sea and drowns.  
> 5\. один, два, три: Numbers 1,2,3 in Russian  
> 6\. Alyosha: Affectionate short form of the name Alexei.  
> 7\. Onegai: Please, in Japanese
> 
> I am sure I will not proof-read this chapter in the next three days because I re-read it so much while writing it that it wouldn't be an healthy check *.*

Ch 3: Forfeit

 

 After the drug soothed his brain, Izaya was able to focus on getting himself out of this mess. He first tried tracing the source of the message to find the computer that contains the video, but then failed miserably. So he messaged the IP to a trusted hacker and wanted him to trace it.

Three hours later, the hacker returned by saying that the computer might already be destroyed.

_‘So he keeps more than one copy’_

Izaya took his head between his hands and closed his eyes. ‘What I am I going to do?’

‘How could I be so reckless? ‘ _Even though he barely remembered Alexei recording them that night.._

He started crying once again, this time, from pure despair.

 _‘ It was my stupidity, my fault ‘_ He still felt _the snake’_ s hands on him. He wasn’t sure what to think anymore with his panic-stricken mind.

He stood up and walked to the bathroom. He turned on the shower, took his clothes off, and let his stained body soak in the water, without feeling how cold the water actually was.

_‘ I failed. I failed miserably…’_

 

He then hugged himself tightly and trembled under the cold water.

* * *

 

 

_7 Days Later;_

Haruya Shiki lifted his head up from the documents Izaya put on his desk and looked at the boy himself. Shiki was sure there wasn’t anything interesting in the gray corner of the room which Izaya was staring at for the last five minutes. Izaya’s work was spectacular again, but he wasn’t sure if the boy himself was.

     -‘’ Is there something wrong? ‘’ He asked. He wasn’t a man that would hold himself back or hesitate for a question.

Shiki wasn’t going to learn anytime soon, but Izaya’s mind was at the message Alexei sent him last night;

_‘‘ Come to this address at eleven (…) There is a key under the mat. Be there before I do…’’_

He was so deep in his thoughts that Izaya barely catched Shiki’s question on time and answered forcing the usual edge in his voice;

    -‘’ Ah.. you know Shiki-san, the usual stuff. Last night could be better..’’ He also grinned like his usual self.  
    -‘’ I thought the medication Shinra gave you was working? ‘’ Shiki asked, obviously suspecting something from the shaky smile on the other’s lips.

Izaya lifted his arms up; ‘’- What can I say, this stuff has it’s ups and downs- ‘’ He then changed the subject; ‘’- Are you satisfied with my work on the latest money laundering business? ‘’

That made Shiki go back to the document on his desk; ‘’- Yeah.. but about this name…’’ He pointed a name on the paper and Izaya leaned to see it ‘’- I think I know this name from somewhere, would you look it up? ‘’

‘’- Yes of course...’’

 

Fifteen minutes later, Izaya was walking towards the door when Shiki talked; ‘’- You can give those to me next week, you look tired, go rest ‘’

Izaya was in no position of arguing ‘’- Okay, Shiki-san ‘’ With that, he left.

* * *

 

 

_23:00, The Same Day_

 

The place Alexei wanted him to come was thirty minutes by taxi. Instead of giving the direct address to the driver, Izaya got off at the gas station and walked the last fifteen minutes.

 

God knows he tried to get himself out of this. He tried to come up with something that he could use against Alexei. He tried to figure out what Alexei was doing in Japan, but no one really seemed to know about his return. He wasn’t even staying at his mansion in Ikebukuro .

 

_Upper in the mornings, downer in the night. Izaya started using again and Haruki’s ghost chased him in his dreams._

_And then sometimes Izaya would yell at him; ‘’- You know more than me, that H is the dead end. You know it Haruki’’ Same scene, all over again._

_And then Haruki would give his neck to the scythe of the Grim Reaper; ‘’- Shouganai ‘’_

_‘’- Shouganai… ‘’_

 

 

‘’- Shouganai ‘’ Izaya murmured to himself as he took the key under the mat and opened the door. _There was an owl foreshadowing something disasterous._ The moon was brighter than it should be.

 

No one could save him at this house in the middle of the forest..

* * *

 

 

Ch 3.1: Ultraviolence

Orihara Izaya never believed in destiny; nor he believed in God.

One day, when he was going to elementary school, their teacher asked them; ‘’- What do you wish for the future? ‘’

Children answered, some of them shyly, some of them energetically; ‘’- I wish happiness! ‘’ ‘’- I wish to be an hero! ‘’ ‘’- I wish to grow up fast! ‘’…

Orihara Izaya was the kid who would sit in the corner and try not to be in sight. ‘’- What do you wish for the future, Izaya-kun? ‘’ The teacher asked.

The boy lowered his head and sat smaller; ‘’- You.. you shouldn’t wish for anything… If you wan’t something, you should get it yourself, you shouldn’t wish for it’’ He spoke quietly.

 

Orihara Izaya never wished.

Whatever he achieved, he achieved by his own nails, own arms.

Whatever he lost, he lost by his own mistakes, it was his own fail.

 

_People ask the stars about their future; Izaya would fight with them and tear them apart to make himself a future._

 

_He had nothing._

_And he had no one._

‘’- I messed up. ‘’ Izaya said as he let his clothes fall onto the floor and wore the white silk robe standing on the bed. ‘’- _I_ messed up. ‘’ He repeated as he sat down on the bed and started waiting for the consequence of his stupidity.

* * *

 

 

Alexei came a little later; ‘’- Hello, Izaya ‘’ He calmly greeted the young informant sitting like a ragdoll in the bed and took off his panama hat and black trenchcoat. Izaya only watched like a portrait in an haunted house as Alexei went into the bathroom to wash his hands and face.

 

He then sat right next to Izaya, bringing the honey-milk scent of the soap; ‘’- So.. did you managed to come up with something that could fix your _little problem_? ‘’ 

‘’- No. ‘’ Izaya replied without turning his face to him.

‘’- I see ‘’ Alexei stood up and Izaya heard the sound of the drawer opening. When he sat back, Alexei put something on Izaya’s lap, onto his half open palms; ‘’- Do you remember this? ‘’

 

What Izaya was looking at was Haruki’s cranberry-red collar. ‘’- Yes. ‘’ He replied like a robot, his mind numb from the drug he took earlier.

 Alexei drew closer and tucked a lock of hair behind Izaya’s ear. He rubbed the _flavorous one's_ earlobe as he spoke; ‘’- About the part I told you I wasn’t involved in _it_ … Well.. I did sent him a nicely wrapped package of _pure bliss…_ ’’

_Pure bliss, in other words, H._

 

Izaya’s fingers stiffened around the collar. Alexei’s heavy parfume agitated his stomach, and knowing that this man was, in fact, _a human_ , terrorized his young heart.

 

 ‘’-You.. You’re going to make me lose my mind..’’ Tears slid from his cheeks like pearls over marble and _Izaya smiled_. His smile was so heavy that it formed little wrinkles around his lips, wrinkles that shouldn’t be there in the first place.

 

Alexei replied;

‘’- Yes. ‘’

 

On that, Izaya laughed. He laughed frantically as he took the collar to his neck and attached it. Alexei lifted his one brow up; ‘’- Giving up that easily? ‘’ He asked.

 

Izaya abruptly stilled and turned his face to him; ‘’- Yes. Because this is not about this- ‘’ He touched the collar on his neck ‘’- or sex. ‘’ Izaya’s red eyes sharpened like a blade; ‘’- This is about explanation.- ‘’ He leaned and wrapped his boney fingers on _the death’s_ shirt;

  ‘’-Why did these things happen to me? Why my father tortured me? You are looking for an explanation, Alexei Kovalev. And let me tell you, everything happens _with_ a reason, but in the end, it is always what it is-‘’ The blood dripped on the honey, gently, and Izaya spoke to Alexei’s unsteady soul;

 

 ‘’- I am not your mirror, neither I will be your _Agape. ‘’_

 

_I will not kill myself for you. For you to find an explanation for all the pain you’ve gone through._

_I will not be your Andrei; Who killed himself for you._

 

 

The covered implication of his _sacred_ made something shiver in Alexei. He touched Izaya’s lips ; ‘’- Ah.. so she told you about _him._.’’ He then pulled Izaya by the hair and made him look at him; ‘’- But aren’t you too, Izaya, looking for an explanation?  The older scars on your chest, tell me, who did them? _Your father?_ Can you explain to yourself why you ended up in streets?-‘’ He tightened his grip and got a guttural hiss and bared teeth from the other. He leaned on Izaya's face, breathed his poison on his neck;

 

 ‘’- Were you able to give it a meaning when your innocence was taken away from you? ‘’

 

On that, Izaya’s eyes grew larger and he struggled to get himself off of Alexei’s grip. Alexei grinned; ‘ _’ So it was your father.._ ’’ He pinned Izaya to the bed and locked his arms over his head. The other struggled on the white sheets;

 

 ‘’- Fuck you, Alexei. Do you want me to lose my mind? Fine, but you are coming with me ‘’ Izaya roared as more tears lost their form on his cheeks and fell onto the sheets.

‘’- I am already there.’’ Alexei released Izaya’s arms and moved to untie the strap on Izaya’s robe. Izaya simultaneously started unbuttoning Alexei’s shirt.

 

     -‘’ I see you are eager tonight ‘’ Alexei slipped the silk off and threw it onto the floor.  
     -‘’ I am not letting you defile me, Alexei. _I am_ choosing to be with you.‘’ Izaya finished unbuttoning the shirt and removed it harshly, revealing Alexei’s scars.  
     -‘’ Isn’t it a bit weak theory, considering I am blackmailing you? ‘’ Both of them stopped and a tired silence fell between them. Izaya panted and wiped his tears off with a stupid smile on his face;

 

‘’- You have no idea what kind of a darkness I am keeping inside my mind- ‘’ Izaya closed his eyes with the back of his hand as a broken sob pushed itself out of his throat ‘’- You have no idea..’’

 

   -‘’ _Danse macabre_ , then? ‘’ Alexei said and walked towards the writing desk.  
   -‘’ Yes ‘’ Izaya breathed out.

 

 

Alexei took out a package of C. and started lining it as Izaya pulled himself together and leaned his back against the bedpost. ‘’- You’ve lost weight. Are the drugs finally getting to you? ‘’ He asked.

Alexei snorted a line of C.; ‘’- No. I am going for them- ‘’ He then climbed to the bed; ‘’- I would offer you some but we know what happened the last time so..’’

 

Izaya laid down and took the beast between his legs; ‘’- Yes.. I never thought you would enjoy recording underage porn ‘’

 

A line appeared on his left eye when Alexei laughed; ‘’- You stopped being a child when you laid under your first customer. We both know this ‘’ He ungracefully talked and took the lube from the drawer.

 

‘’- No disgusting foreplay this time..? ‘’ Izaya asked.

‘’ –I think we just did that. Lift your legs up ‘’

 

 

Izaya clenched his fingers to the white bedsheets and gulped down the pain as Alexei stretched him, his ripe fingers were ravenous and searing inside Izaya. Alexei then stripped his pants off and took Izaya’s legs into his firm fingers.

 

_Inside the rotting ribcage, a heart was shuddering._

 

Izaya’s teeth clenched and he gasped as Alexei entered half of his lenght all at once. He locked his rich coloured eyes to _the man he chose to be with_ as he released his shuddering breath.

 

_The hibiscus took off it’s skin and laid it under it’s feet as the lyre of the Apollo lamented for it._

 

The beast went deeper and the other winced. A cry of pain left Izaya’s lips as Alexei grabbed his neck and stilled him. He trailed his fingers on Izaya’s swan-like neck as Izaya closed his eyes and just once; _prayed_ for it to end quickly.

 

     -‘’ You know, you’ve grown up. Your body actually feels like fucking a man now- ‘’ Alexei fastened his pace and feasted on the view of Izaya’s squeezed eyes and trembling lips. He then looked down as he took out his lenght once and rode it again; ‘’- Even though you still bleed like an untouched girl ‘’

 

_Everything would hurt when you were with Alexei; His touch, his mind, and his words would work together to wound you._

 

Izaya fixed his gaze to the wall and stayed silent against the other’s teasing. Alexei lifted Izaya’s legs higher and leaned towards his face;

‘’- Maybe it’s because you never did it with your _precious blond_? ‘’

 

Izaya’s eyes immediately turned to him; ‘’ Don’t you fucking dare-‘’ he sent a fist towards Alexei’s face but Alexei catched it and pushed Izaya's arms down with a quick move. Izaya yelled when Alexei gave all his weight onto the fragile bones.

 

‘’- I am bleeding because you fuck like an animal, Alexei ‘’ Izaya yelled and tried to free his wrists before they shattered.

 

_Icarus was the fallen angel who fell in love with the sun. But the moon got to him first and nailed down Icarus's melting wings onto his cold ground. One by one, the moon engraved the metal onto the shuddering wings like a veil..._

 

Izaya’s sharp breathing turned into stifled whimpers when Alexei started riding him. His whole body started shaking under the beast.

 

_If he were to given the change, Izaya would ask to God;_

_Why are you punishing me?_

_Because of what I became? A sinner, a human? Is it because I washed my body in the waters of Styx?_

_Which one should I lament for, father, what I wanted or what I received instead?_

After Alexei finished his job and let the other’s wrists go, Izaya looked at the marks he left on them and cried. He then released them onto the bedsheets, where they fell like harmless petals. He was resentful and his heart ached a little.

 

_Tell me, why did I fail?_

 

 

Alexei came back half an hour later with a towel, a piece of rope and a whip in his hands. Izaya shakily lifted his body up on the bed and looked at him with dead eyes.

 ‘’- You told me you were going to reopen my wounds.. Well, not everything turned out as you expected I suppose-‘’ Alexei extended the towel to him; ‘’- Clean yourself ‘’

 

Izaya dropped his head down and took the towel. He then sticked his shoulders to the bedposts with a thump. The metal was cold and sent chills to his spine.

Alexei tied Izaya’s wrists, but then loosened the ropes up just a little after Izaya’s painful whimper. His bruises were already turning into a fierce red of a thorny rose, making the rotting skin ache against the harshness of the ropes.

Izaya looked at him, eyes tearful, half with hatred, half with plea, but he stayed silent as he was beyond language; as there wasn’t any word he could use to describe how much desperation hurt.

 

Alexei took Izaya’s cheek into his palm and journeyed his glass-like eyes; ‘’- Count, Izaya. Count in Russian. You learned didn’t you? ‘’ He then took some steps back and Izaya closed his eyes.

 

First hit landed on his thigh, Izaya gasped.

 

_Alexei wouldn’t hit for the pleasure. He would hit the whip until Izaya was sobbing in delirium, he would hit until the other would start seeing black spots in his vision._

_He would hit until he break Izaya._

 

Second hit, Izaya squeezed his eyes shut and stayed silent.

It took sixteen forceful hisses taken out from his flesh until Izaya was bound by spasms and started choking in his breath. Alexei thundered; ‘’- Count, Izaya! ‘’

 In a rasping breath, Izaya’s quivering lips parted; ‘’ -один ‘’

 

‘’ два **‘’**

 **‘** **’** три **’’**

.

.

.

.

 **‘’-** _Twenty’_ **’** Izaya dropped his head down with a cry and saw the blood, running from his body onto the white sheets.

 

It was after the thirtieth hit Izaya started tugging at the ropes and ignored how much his bruises hurt. _Stop, please stop._  

Alexei cracked the whip right onto his bone and revealed the long wail Izaya was keeping inside his throat. ‘’-Th..’’ Izaya panted and lifted his head up to see the ceiling turn yellow like the sun in spring; ‘’- _Thirty one._ ‘’

 

_Hysterical weepings surrounded him._

_Alexei engraved  his screams into the night._

 

 

‘’-Stop ‘’ Izaya started begging after the fortieth hit, ‘’- Please stop, Alexei ‘’

 

‘’- _Please_ ‘’ Alexei put the whip down and sat in front of Izaya's rich-coloured eyes. _So deep, so deep in his mind he was hearing his sacred begging to him just like Izaya was;_ _‘’- Alexei, Alexei stop, It burns so much-‘’_

 

_‘’- My Alyosha, my soul, my being, my deepest ocean.. stop, I beg you..’’_

_‘’- You are the deepest rupture inside my mind, Andrei. You’re the reason I am going insane-‘’_

_‘’- but I love you, so much ‘’_

 

 

Gently, Alexei lifted Izaya’s chin up and made him look at him; ‘’- Are you going to recite it, or shall I? ‘’ He then leaned to hear;

Izaya whispered in Alexei’s ear with a wildfire inside his throat; ‘’- _There is not to much to be got anywhere in the world- ‘’_  His breath shuddered like an orphan in the cold; ‘’- _It is filled with misery and pain-‘’_  His voice turned into a faint weep; ‘’ _\- If a man escapes these, boredom lies in wait for him at every corner-‘_ ’ He then started sobbing, unable to continue anymore.

Alexei continued as he caressed on top of Izaya’s brow; ‘’-Nay more, it is evil which generally has the upper hand, and folly makes the most noise- ‘’ He took a knife and cut the ropes around Izaya’s wrists; ‘’- Fate is cruel and mankind is pitiable’’

 

Izaya fell onto Alexei’s arms like a dying butterfly.

* * *

 

 

Alexei was working on his desk when he saw Izaya trying to stand on the bed. He looked around, like he didn’t know where he was. Alexei wondered if he was still sleeping.

 

Izaya then saw him, now sitting on his knees; ‘’- A.. Alexei..-‘’ He felt a sharp pain inside his head. So sharp that it made him forget about all the other pain that were scattered around on his naked flesh.

Alexei put his pen onto the table and looked at him.

 

‘’- What is that noise? ‘’ Izaya asked as he brought his hand towards his hair.

Alexei straightened up in his chair; ‘’- It is three at night, Izaya, even the birds are sleeping right now. What noise are you talking about? ‘’

 

On that, Izaya laid down once again and pulled his legs towards himself. He stared into the space as he continued on hearing a distant noise, something like the rustle of the leaves in autumn, but less screechy.

 

Alexei rubbed his eyes and put his reading glasses; ‘’- Are the pills you’re taking finally getting at you? ‘’ He asked.

Alexei’s voice covered the noise; ‘’- No.. I am going for them ‘’ Izaya spoke and fell asleep once again.

 

* * *

 

 

The rising sun was litting the room into a faint sunrise when Izaya woke up beside Alexei. He first looked at Alexei’s sleeping form and thought how men in his age looked younger when they were sleeping. _Li looked younger too._ He then looked at the knife standing on the drawer; ‘’- _I could kill him right now. Just a slash to his throat. And that’s it_. ‘’ _Then what would happen to his name, to his precious job ,if that video got out?_

 

_Or will he be able to pull the weight of someone’s blood on his hands?_

Not bothering to shower, Izaya put on his clothes and took a _pain pill_ before leaving and taking the first bus to Shinjuku.

* * *

 

 

 

Ch 3.2: _Interlude for a silent lament._

_The worst thing about falling to pieces is that humans can do it so quietly._

_One in the mornings, one in the night; Izaya soothed his pain and continued on working day and night._

_Because he loved being an informant. He loved holding the keys important for people’s lives. That was why, when his key was in someone else’s hands, he still worked._

 

_He could go to Shiki. But when Shiki accepted Izaya and the girls as his foster children, Izaya told him that he wasn’t going to let him down._

_He already did._

_That is why he couldn’t bring himself going to Shiki._

_'So I should at least do my job right'  Izaya thought and continued on working._

 

_The only thing he had was the warmth of his sun, he felt his hand on his pillow after long nights of torture and crying. He avoided him like he was the darkest sin; but caressed the memory of him, and tried to bring pieces from himself together under his imaginary touch._

 

_Two in the mornings, one in the night; Three weeks, and Izaya’s body started to look like nothing but a battlefield._

 

_Two in the mornings, two in the night; Five weeks, and Izaya fought with Alexei. Violence painted in mauve was an aubade inside the walls, as Izaya slashed Alexei’s arm with his knife; But only got more blood in return._

 

_5mL solution a day; Just to ease the pain, Izaya started sticking a needle into his veins._

 

_A month, and Izaya lied to Shinra by telling that his symptoms were worsening, and he told Shiki that he was going to take some time off because of that._

_Though he still did breakfast with his sisters, laughed with them, went to their school meetings, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold himself together. So he arranged them bank accounts, started teaching them to do everyday jobs..._

 

_One and a half months; ‘’-I… I don’t want to talk to you anymore..’’ Izaya buried Shizuo inside his heart and cut every connection with a sentence that was so heart-rending to utter._

 

_He bought a crappy bedside lamp and sat under it’s light; Because his heavy lids were hurting so much._

_God knows he would die if the girls didn’t call Shinra and told him that it was taking thirty minutes to wake their brother up in his dopesick mornings._

 

_God knows Izaya has the world’s smartest and most beautiful sisters.._

* * *

 

 

‘’- Why are you using, Izaya? ‘’

 

Izaya looked at the underground doctor in front of him. It was the first time he was seeing him this angry. Still, he gave a blank smile and stood up to leave; ‘’- You analyzed me, the rest is not your business, Shinra.. ‘’

 

Izaya really, really didn’t expected Shinra to pin him to the wall and put a lancet in front of his eyes; ‘’- I swear on Celty, If you don’t tell me what is going on, I’ll call Shiki-san ‘’ He spoke with an unfamiliar hiss that dumfounded Izaya and made him unable to reach for his blade inside his jacket.

So, Izaya slowly lifted his hands up in surrender.

 

‘’- Good ‘’ Shinra gave his usual smile and put the lancet back in his pocket. Izaya lowered his hands. ‘’- Now, tell me. ‘’

 

The young informant escaped his eyes and turned his face towards the wall. He breathed for some time and closed his eyes before confessing; ‘’- I.. am being blackmailed, Shinra. ‘’

    -‘’ Is it something from your past? ‘’ The doctor asked.  
    -‘’ Yes.’’  
    -‘’ Didn’t Shiki-san took care of all that, years ago? ‘’

 

On that, Izaya rubbed his tired eyes and forced an eye contact with the other; ‘’- It’s.. It’s a long story. But.. someone has a video of me..’’

Shinra’s face got serious; ‘’- And what does that someone want from you? ‘’

 

The look Izaya gave to Shinra was so self explanatory that the doctor’s eyes immediately grew larger; ‘’- No.. Don’t tell me…’’ Shinra exhaled a sharp breath and dragged Izaya back to the examination bed ‘’- Take off your shirt ‘’

 

Izaya did what he wanted, there wasn’t a point in fighting anymore. His jacket fell easily from his shoulders, and Izaya took his shirt off without looking anywhere but the doctor’s eyes.

 

Kishtani Shinra suddenly lost the strenght on his legs and fell to his chair when he saw the disaster carved onto the underweight body of his dear friend. His one hand went on his mouth as his puppy-like eyes trailed the scars, analyzed the bruises, _wondered why would someone press a cigarette on someone’s arms_. Despite being  young, Shinra saw many horrible, disgusting, unspeakable things done on other people before. But seeing these on his friend…

Shinra lost some of his hope on humanity.

 

 _‘ I must be horrifying to look at ‘_ Izaya thought as he stared at the tears on the doctor’s face.

 

Shinra dropped his face down and cleaned his throat ‘’- I.. I am sorry I shouldn’t be crying..’’ He then abruptly got up and came back with various medical equipments. He was still crying when he put the sterile gloves and did whatever he could on Izaya’s body; Which meant nothing, apart from the things Izaya was already doing by himself. But the doctor wanted to help him, wanted to be there for him-

Tears fell on Izaya’s blue and dark purple wrist as Shinra took it on his palm and put some cream on it; ‘’- Because you are my stupid and dopey friend, you are thinking that you are a disgrace to Shiki-san and that’s why you’re not going to him, right Izaya? ‘’ He looked at Izaya but then focused on his task.

‘’- Always seeing through one, Shinra ‘’ Izaya said forcing a weak edge for his voice.

 

Shinra moved to Izaya’s back, the other winced when he examined the scar on Izaya’s shoulder blade; ‘’- Do you know how much force you need to use to do this? ‘’ The doctor asked.

‘’- Well, I can’t give you the exact number but-‘’ Izaya was going to squeeze a sarcasm there but he stopped when Shinra wrapped his arms on his collarbones and put his head on the back of Izaya’s neck ‘’-I beg you, Izaya. Please go to Shiki-san-‘’ _He also heard a sob_ ‘’- I don’t care if I am being unprofessional, I don’t care if it’s really not my business but.. _Onegai_ -‘’

 

Izaya fixed his eyes to the door; ‘’- Calm down, I already have a plan, Shinra. ‘’ 

‘’- You do? ‘’ Shinra let him go and asked like a child.

‘’- Yeah ‘’  Izaya thanked a random deity because Shinra wasn’t looking at his face, or else, he would easily understand that he was lying. ‘’- Please don’t tell anyone so that I can continue on doing my job without people buying my porn film, alright? ‘’ He added.

 

* * *

 

 

_2 Weeks Later;_

 

Kishtani Shinra exclaimed at the phone in his hands; ‘’- How could I be so stupid? ‘’ His voice took the attention of Celty, she ran towards Shinra and typed;

‘’- What is going on? ‘’

Shinra looked at Celty with a sad expression in his eyes; ‘’- I am so stupid, Celty ‘’ He then threw himself on her arms. She had to struggle to type a meaningful sentence;

‘’- You are squeezing me Shinra ‘’

Shinra read the message; ‘’- Sorry ‘’ He let go of her.

‘’- Can you tell me what is going on? ‘’ She typed.

Shinra fixed his glasses; ‘’- I.. I probably shouldn’t-'' A pause. ''- Izaya isn’t answering my calls ‘’

 

    -‘’ Maybe he is just resting, I heard from the girls that he wasn’t feeling well… ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes, my dear Celty, he doesn’t feel well.. Because he is a f.. ‘’ Shinra held his tongue not to curse. ‘’- He is using drugs. Not the ones I am prescribing to him.. ‘’ He said and immediately wished he had a tighter tongue.

 

Even if she didn’t had a head, Shinra could still see the shock on her face. ‘’- What! ‘’ She wrote, caps on.

 

‘’- It’s doesn’t even end there.. ‘’ And with that, Shinra told everything to Celty, and Celty dragged him to the couch for both of them to sit and consider the situation.

 

     -‘’ Maybe you wouldn’t agree with me, but I think we shouldn’t interfere in this, Shinra. Because you know better than me that all Izaya has is his sisters and his job and I don’t think we have the right to jeopardize it. ‘’  
     -‘’ You didn’t saw his body, Celty, but I.. I know I can’t betray him- ‘’ He then took his head between his hands ‘’- I don’t know what to do, dammit. ‘’

 

Celty rubbed his back few times and typed; ‘’- But I think there is someone we could tell.. and it wouldn't be _that_ much of an interference ‘’

Shinra read the message and lifted his brow; ‘’- Who? ‘’

 

‘’- _Shizuo_ ‘’

 

 

That, was how Shinra called Shizuo and asked him to come over.

* * *

 

 

Ch. 3.3: Will the sun shine on me?

 

Their plan was to somehow send Shizuo to Izaya’s apartment in Shinjuku. Shinra didn’t want to reveal much, so he took it easy at first;

    -‘’ I-um.. wanted to ask if you could check on Izaya.. ‘’

 

Hearing the name, Shizuo stopped and took unlighted cigarette out from his lips; ‘’- What? ‘’

Shinra threw his hands up in the air; ‘’- Ah.. you know, I have so much to do and Celty has her jobs in the next three weeks and-‘’

Shizuo cut him; ‘’- No. I am asking what happened to him, why do you want me to see him? ‘’

 

On that, Shinra stilled a little; ‘’- He.. he is a little sick nowadays- ‘’

 

    -‘’ Are you two trying to bring us back together? Because let me tell you, Izaya himself called me and told me that he didn’t want to see me anymore- ‘’  
    -‘’ He told you that? ‘’ Seeing the sad look on Shinra’s eyes Shizuo started suspecting something.  
    -‘’ What is going on, Shinra? ‘’ He pushed.

 

Shinra clumped his hands together on his knees and pushed his face down; ‘’- I.. am suspecting that he is using something.. ‘’

He definitely wasn’t _suspecting_ , as he already saw the needle marks on Izaya’s veins. But this was the fastest way to send Shizuo on Izaya’s way.

 

Shizuo’s fist instinctively clenched; ‘’- What are you talking about, Shinra? What is _something_? ‘’

 

Shinra couldn't help but flinch even if he knew Shizuo wouldn’t hurt him; ‘’- I mean drugs.. He was already on some medication that my father prescribed him, then I took over- ‘’

‘’- The fuck? Why didn't I know about that? ‘’ Shizuo cut his words.

 

‘’- _He has been using since he was in Raira. Maybe even before.._ ‘’

 

That made Shizuo close his eyes and count to ten; ‘’- He never told me anything- ‘’ He huffed a laugh ‘’- I bet you know about his life before he came to our school too, don’t you Shinra? ‘’

Shinra tensed in guilt; ‘’- Just.. please visit him, Shizuo-kun ‘’

 

 

Couple of hours later Shinra was speaking to Izaya’s voicemail; ‘’- _I am sending Shizuo over, I told him that I was ‘suspecting’ that you were using drugs, but I haven’t told him anything else. Ah.. I also invited the girls to our place tonight so please take your time answering Shizuo’s questions- ‘’_ A rather long pause _‘’- I think it’s time to stop running away, Izaya. ‘’_

 

Izaya listened to Shinra’s passive-agressive voice without showing any emotions. He then stood up and got into the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly curious about your thoughts


	4. Venus and Adonis/ The Ocean and The Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare your tissues.  
> Song; Mono- Nostalgia
> 
> Vocab; 
> 
> Venus and Adonis; I used Shakespeare's sonnets in the last part and his version of the story is shortly like this;  
> Venus and Adonis is a narrative poem by William Shakespeare The poem tells the story of Venus, who is the goddess of Love, of her unrequited love, and of her attempted seduction of Adonis, an extremely handsome young and a bit of a snob..
> 
> But there is of course also a myth; Venus, the goddess of love, fell for the handsome hunter Adonis. Adonis, who was a bit of a snob, believed he was the best hunter in the world and that nothing could ever happen to him.
> 
> One day Venus dreamed that Adonis had an accident while hunting. She rushed to try to prevent him from going off to hunt, but Adonis ignored her. He thought Venus was crazy to believe in such dreams. Unfortunately, Venus's dream came true: during the hunt, a wild pig with large tusks killed Adonis. A heartbroken Venus had to watch her poor Adonis die because he did not listen to her warning.
> 
> But in essence, the scene I used this as a metaphor(?) was pointing to the paintings made inspired from this myth.

Ch 4; Drowning

 

' _Speak, Izaya. Answer me you useless fuck. Answer me!’_

_' I wish you were never born’_

The water was burning hot, making the steam diffuse inside the grand bathroom. Izaya was scrubbing his skin, rather unknowingly, but definitely unkindly towards his miserable flesh.

Voices surrounded him, every note reminding him how filthy he was. Yes, he felt filthy, disgusting, revolting.. He scrubbed his skin and held so much inside him.

‘ _I had no choice '_

 

 _‘-I had no choice '_ His voice was a broken string of a violin, snapped where it got thinner. The water surrounded his skin, and steam burned his lungs.

 

A shadow that was small, dark, and pathetic could be seen through the steamy mirror. Izaya wiped the steam away, and drops of water trailed down onto the tiles like tears.

Izaya sat in front of the crying mirror and tied a tourniquet around his arm.

 

_‘ I think it is time to stop running away, Izaya ‘_

 

His hands were shaking as he found a vein.  But they stilled once he pushed the needle in.

 

_Steam diffused as Izaya’s lips parted from the acquired haze and his eyes watered as he narrowed them._

_‘ -You are stained’_

_Izaya’s sick pupils stopped at the hallucination of his child-self, who was looking at him from the mirror._

_‘ -You are dirty’ The child pushed, eyes steadier than his real version._

_Slowly, Izaya wrapped his arms around his boney legs and looked away; ‘’- I know ‘’_

_‘ -You are useless ‘_

_‘’- I know ‘’ A wave of nausea hit his stomach._

 

_Stripped colours came back all of a sudden, and his world turned normal._

Izaya heard the bell rang.

 

* * *

 

 

Four hours. It took four hours for Shizuo to finally stop wandering around and smoking, and get the courage to face Izaya. Four hours to find the right words, instead of the ones echoing in his brain;

 

_‘ You never tell me anything ‘_

_‘ You never trusted me’_

_‘ I am I even important to you, was I ever? ‘_

 

Four hours. And all that thinking vaporised into air the second Izaya opened the door.

 

Izaya was in a long white bathrobe, his hair slightly wet and slicked back. There were faint stains of pink under his eyes and on his lips. He smiled; ‘’- Hello Shizu-chan ‘’

 

_Even when going through the worst of his life, Izaya was always going to put that little smile on his lips._

_‘’- Izaya.. just.. please stop smiling, I know you’re in pain, please stop doing that’’ Stop trying to pull yourself together. Shizuo was going to beg._

_‘’- But my mother always told me to smile even when I’m hurt, Shizu-chan. She told me to put on one if I can’t manage one…’’ Izaya was going to manage, as he was going to lay exhausted in Shizuo’s arms. As Shizuo was going to find him screaming at the voices inside his head, as Shizuo was going to find him hitting his head to the bedposts and yelling at them to stop._

_He was going to wrap his arms around Izaya as Izaya was going to slip into insanity.._

_And Izaya was going to give that little smile to him, eyes drowning in tears; ‘’ I.. I think I am going crazy Shizu-chan… ‘’_

 

‘’- I.. um’’ Shizuo’s brows furrowed as his eyes hesitantly wandered on Izaya’s body. Izaya was always thin but this was..

 

_‘’- I am suspecting that he is using something ‘’_

 

Shizuo was a debt collector for more than three months now, and he knew what an addict’s body looked like. He learned how breakable their bones were. _How acceptive they were in the face of defeat._

   -‘’ You really are using don’t you, Izaya? ‘’ The words poured themselves fast like an inner thought.  
   -‘’ Yes. ‘’ Izaya also didn’t misfire and replied in a short breath; ‘’- Why don’t you come in? ‘’ He added.

 

They sat onto the couch. With his hands clumped together, Shizuo’s eyes vacantly looked at the coffee table. He was at loss for words. Not that he was good with them to begin with. He then looked at Izaya, who was watching the fireplace with desensitized eyes.

 

From this angle, under his red eyes that the fireplace was reflecting into, and on the side of his neck, something catched onto Shizuo’s eyes. A line appeared between his brows when he focused on it;

‘’- What is that on your neck? ‘’

On his question, Izaya turned to Shizuo and looked at him; Now his hunched sitting was revealing more of his torso under the white.

‘’ The f-‘’ Shizuo’s hand instinctively went towards Izaya’s robe.

 

With a gentle but swift move, Izaya stopped Shizuo’s hand and moved himself back a little on the couch; a precise sign for Shizuo to stop.

 _-’'_ I know what you’re seeing. ‘’ Izaya spoke. His eyes away from Shizuo.  
_-'’_ What _._. Then why are you not showing me? ‘’ Shizuo’s fist clenched on the leather of the couch. He squeezed his chest not to raise his voice; ‘’- Izaya- ‘’  
    -‘’ Listen first.‘’ Izaya finally managed to look at him in the eye as he tried to pull all the strenght left inside him; ‘’- I will tell you everything ‘’

 

_Izaya had the deepest eyes. They were kind, soft, sometimes severe like the clouds before rain._

_Shizuo always knew, somewhere in his heart, that Izaya was never really happy._

_He would laugh though, he would laugh and ruffle Shizuo’s hair with his smooth fingers; ‘’- Stupid Shizu-chan ‘’ He would say._

_Then he would look outside the window, and you’d see the solitary night he carried inside those deep eyes._

 

 

_The added 2ml. inside his needle was untying his tongue; Or else, Izaya would never tell anything to him._

_He wouldn’t do that to him._

_He wouldn’t show how revolting he was._

Izaya started talking, his words slow and his eyes on the wall across with fatique surrounding them; ‘’ _\- I was the kid who sat quietly on the corner, Shizu-chan. I was the kid who had no friends and was silent and creepy_ \- ‘’ A smile appeared on his lips but faded quickly as he swallowed and blinked back tears;

‘’ _\- I was like that, because my father was beating me every night. He would hit me with his belt, or would smash a beer bottle on my body_ \- ‘’

‘’ _\- I don’t know why he did that I_..-‘’ He huffed a laugh and stared to his hands. Inside his mind, his mother’s voice was dusk and fog twirling on top of a forest;

 

‘ _Don’t cry too much, Izaya. Be quiet and docile. Don’t yell. Always smile when you’re in front of someone.. ‘_

 

It was so absurd, the calmness of his words. You would expect there to be harsh crying, maybe breaking down here and there, maybe cursing.. But Izaya was simply staring at the distant space and telling a tragedy like he was reciting a film to a blindman. It was so nerve-wrecking, _so sad_   that Shizuo could hear the sounds of his screams;  _pained yelps of a child were dripping quietly from the red eyes._

 

_What sound would it make when you smash a bottle on someone’s body? Shizuo wished he didn’t know._

 

Izaya looked at him, now with rebellious tears falling on their own; ‘’- _I was quiet, I did nothing wrong_ \- ‘’ He tilted his head and looked right into Shizuo’s eyes like he desperately wanted to prove he wasn’t lying.

 

_He wasn’t lying._

 

With his breath halting, Shizuo gave a nod.

 

Izaya dropped his face and wiped his tears harshly; ‘’- But he hit me. So I left home when I was sixteen, and took Mairu and Kururi with me- ‘’  He stopped for a moment to regain his composure.

‘’- I came to Ikebukuro. I had some money that I saved up helping the elderly, but after a while, money started to be a problem.. and.. I mean, I...’’ Shizuo felt an urge to say something because Izaya was struggling so much to utter whatever he wanted to say;

 

‘’- Did you sold drugs? ‘’  Shizuo asked.

 

Izaya’s lips started to tremble, he clenched his fingers on his robe and hunched even more. He stayed like that for some time, with his face hidden and his black hair slowly getting down on his face.

 

_Do you know how one’s eyes tremble? Like they can’t exactly blink, but the tears would fall, and would make their shuddering lashes wet?_

 

When Izaya lifted his head up and looked inside Shizuo’s eyes, _his eyes were trembling._

 

‘’- I.. I sold my body’’

 

* * *

 

 

 

Shizuo looked at him, his lips slightly parted from shock. He put an hand onto the couch and turned his body to Izaya even more ‘’- Iz- ‘’

 

The thinnest move of Shizuo’s fingers made Izaya move himself backwards on the couch and start trembling like Shizuo was going to hurt him; ‘’- _I had no choice_ \- ‘’ His voice broke and he bursted into sobs ‘’- _I had no choice_ ‘’ He kept on mumbling with a quiet voice.

 

_‘ Don’t be disgusted with me, please ‘_

_‘ Don’t, please’_

 

Shizuo stopped and looked at him ‘’- I.. I am not going to hurt you, Izaya ‘’ The words fell hesitantly in fear of scaring Izaya even more. ‘’- I mean.. I’m kind of shocked but.. _I am not disgusted with you or anything_.. ‘’

 

‘’ -…What? ‘’ Izaya slowly lifted his head up but immediately escaped his eyes from Shizuo.

‘’- I mean… _okay_. I am in no position of judging you. I don’t think anyone is..- ‘’ Shizuo was shocked at the calmness of his own words. ‘’- Please continue ‘’

 

 

_Orihara Izaya was the child of an unsteady mind; A system of collapsing galaxies and whimpering torments._

_He was so young when he learned to speak the language of violence._

_So young,  he started fighting against the water nothing but of a salt, pain, and darkness._

_So young, he drowned. So beautiful, he fell in love._

 

 

Izaya looked at Shizuo like he couldn’t believe.  

Like an after scene from a panic attack, his limbs abruptly calmed down. He moved closer to _the sun,_  his movements slow as the ecylpse. And stopped in front of him.

He dropped his head.

_Shizuo understood that he didn’t had anything else to say._

 

* * *

 

 

Two strong hands, strong but harmless, strong but caring, loving. Two strong hands moved and untied the strap on Izaya’s robe. Two strong hands slowly stripped the white from Izaya’s shoulders.

 

_Every men who is blessed with love has a poet side which they never utter but you’d see in their eyes._

_Shizuo has to admit; that it took him an eternity to realize that he was in love with the saddest poem._

Shizuo’s heart started racing, his vision went darker; ‘’ _\- Izaya_..’’ He gave an harsh exhale as he looked at Izaya, then looked at Izaya’s bruised, beaten, burned, broken body. ‘’- _What is this?_ ‘’

 

_Two strong hands, hands that Izaya fell in love with, started shaking as they quietly sat on Izaya’s arms._

_Heiwajima Shizuo never felt more pain than he was feeling right now._

Shattered images of Izaya’s scars started screaming at Shizuo as the world started collapsing under his feet. He felt dizzy, and a terror that he never knew existed surrounded his body.

So much tears fell from his amber eyes as Shizuo closed them and started gasping for a breath.

 

 

 _‘ That is why I never wanted to tell you ‘_  Izaya thought, as he quickly wrapped his fingers around _the lion’s_ hair and pressed their foreheads together. ‘’- Ssh.. breathe Shizu-chan..’’

 

He tried to make an eye contact with him; ‘’- _You’re having a panic attack, Shizu-chan_ \- ‘’ Izaya brushed away Shizuo’s tears and kissed on top of his blond hair ‘’- Breathe ‘’

 

Shizuo’s eyes were fixed to the cigarette burn on Izaya’s waist ‘’- Oh god…’’ He finally gave a strangled voice and hugged Izaya. He put his head on Izaya’s naked shoulder and started talking with a muffled voice;

 

‘’- I.. I always counted to five, Izaya. I always counted to five before touching you, so that I don’t hurt you-‘’

 

Izaya slowly closed his eyes as Shizuo started hypervantilating on his shoulder.

 

‘’- It’s not that you’re made of glass, Izaya. You’re strong, you’re the strongest person I have ever seen. You’re.. you’re strong.. But.. I always counted to five so that I wouldn’t leave a bruise on you when we held hands-‘’ Shizuo spoke in rasping breaths. He sobbed when he felt the texture of Izaya’s skin on his fingertips. _Izaya felt the clench of his strong chest. Shizuo, that mountain of a man, shed tears like a baby.._

 

_Shizuo’s sobs were like thunder; First, a thin noise would be heard, then a deep sound would crash into the ocean._

 

‘’- I am I in a nightmare, Izaya? Did.. Did I do this to you? Because I.. I saw dreams like those and.. we would be fighting and.. I would hit you, then a voice would laugh at me- ‘’

 

_‘ Look at you Heiwajima Shizuo, look, the person you love, you hurt him, just like everyone else, you hurt him…_

 

‘’ No..-‘’ Izaya gave a long soothing noise and brought his hand to Shizuo’s cheek ‘’- You never hurt me, you’re not in a nightmare alright? Everything is fine. Come here- ‘’ He lifted his head up.

Shizuo lifted his head and once again, came face to face with the muddy rainbow on Izaya’s wrist.

Crumbling purples, sobbing blues and weeping red were all over Izaya’s body.

 

Shizuo closed his eyes and quieted down with his forehead pressed on Izaya’s.

Izaya put his hand on top of Shizuo’s squeezed fists; ‘’- I never told you, because I knew you couldn’t take it-‘’ His other hand brushed and kissed away the tears on Shizuo’s cheek; ‘’- Because I might look like a human wreck, but you are always having a war inside your head, Shizu-chan ‘’

Shizuo opened his eyes and gave a shuddering exhale; ‘’- Aren’t you too? ‘’ He asked.

 

‘’- No. I never fight with my own _self_. But I am having a war with someone else- ‘’ They looked at each other ‘’- I am being blackmailed by one of my old customers, Shizuo ‘’ Izaya confessed.

 

Shizuo straightened up as he wiped his tears to his cuff like a child; ‘’- I am going to kill him- ‘’ He then put the robe back on Izaya’s shoulders; ‘’- I am going to kill him ‘’ He growled as he tied the strap back on Izaya's waist with his trembling hands. _He would. He could now._

 

   -‘’ You can’t. You can’t kill him, you can’t tell anything about this to anyone. Or else, I lose everything ‘’ Izaya spoke steadily, to his amber eyes.  
   -‘’ What do you mean.. Shiki-san-‘’  
   -‘’ I will not go to Shiki-san. He gave me a chance to live a decent life, he took me off from the streets, he sent me to a school.. And do you know what I did? ‘’ A pause; ‘’- I fucked up. I played with my blackmailer, and I fucked up. ‘’

Anger flared in Shizuo’s eyes; ‘’- Then what the fuck are you going to do, Izaya? This is.. ‘’ _Horrifying. Psychopatic._

 

Izaya dropped his eyes on his fists and bit his lower lip; ‘’ I.. ‘’

 

‘’- _Oh my god_ \- ‘’ Shizuo took Izaya’s head between his hands and looked inside his eyes ‘’- You don’t know. You don’t have a plan..-‘’

‘’ – _You’re not fighting anymore_.. ‘’ He then released him so that he wouldn’t get an another crisis.

 

A silence stretched between them as Shizuo calmed himself and Izaya hated himself.

* * *

 

 

Shizuo was looking at the fireplace; ‘’- I will tell Shiki ‘’ He straightforwardly said.

‘’- No! ‘’ Izaya wrapped himself on Shizuo’s arms; ‘’- Tell Shiki, and my life would be over- ‘’

Shizuo’s teeth clenched; ‘’- Your body is in bruises, Izaya. He also beats you, doesn’t he?-'' He looked at Izaya, and for the first time, saw fear in his eyes;

‘’- You are in so much pain that you’re using drugs. Are you stupid, Izaya? No. You’re neither stupid nor weak, you just-‘’

Izaya hysterically cut him; ‘’- I don’t want to lose my job, Shizu-chan, I love what I do, I love being an informant. Look, he has a video of me, and if that video gets out, let out being an informant, I can’t even go to the underground. My reputation would be over, I would lose everything I wou-‘’

‘’- Izaya, stop ‘’

 

‘’ No- ‘’ Izaya looked right into Shizuo’s eyes as he spoke with trembling lips; ‘’- I already guaranteed a future for my sisters, Shizuo. If you betray me, _I won’t hesitate to stick the needle into my vein for one last time. ‘’_

 

_Wind of the wilderness ran past them._

His name, without that stupid suffix, sounded so sad.

 

 

4.1: Two Weeks

 

One sentence. Just one sentence echoed inside Shizuo’s head;

_‘ I want to end it all ‘_

_‘ I want to end it all ‘_

 

Shizuo knew Izaya was serious.

That manipulative _,_ cunning, devilish thing was serious.

He wouldn’t hesitate.

 

Shizuo turned his face from him and clenched his fingers inside his golden hair; ‘’- fuck..’’

‘ _I want to end it all ‘_

 

A long silence stretched between them, and after a long train of thoughts, Shizuo finally spoke; ‘’ I.. I am giving you two weeks, Izaya- ‘’ Words came so hard; ‘’- Find a way to get yourself out of this, or else I will tie you up somewhere and go to Shiki..’’ _Why did he start crying again?_

 

 _Why?_ Because this was wrong.

So wrong.

But he loved him so much, _what if he found him inside his bedroom with a needle sticked into his arm?_

 

Just three days ago Tom-san spoke about one of his friends. He told Shizuo that they found him, in a god-awful hotel room.. _dead._ _Overdosed_. Three days ago.

 

Shizuo quietly started sobbing once again.

‘’ Okay- ‘’ Izaya drew closer and put _the sun_ ’ _s_ head onto his lap; ‘’- I will find a way- ‘’ He then caressed his golden hair with hands that were distraught and light..

 

    -‘’ You’re insane, Izaya ‘’ Shizuo murmured as his heart burned just like the fireplace he was staring at.  
    -‘’ Yes. ‘’

 

 _Izaya was used to insanity._ He put a kiss on Shizuo’s hair and smelled the faint smell of his cigarettes on him, then continued on raking his fingers through his hair.

 

 

_Shizuo always saw the stars in Izaya’s eyes, but was too late to realize that the stars burn themselves every fraction of a second._

 

_Sound of waves crashing into the shore, the pink sand under his feet, the meditarrean wind. The sun floated on top of the ocean, as the ocean caressed his tiny specks of light._

_-‘’ Why I am I not allowed to save you? ‘’ The sun asked._  
_-‘’ Because you would melt my wings ‘’ The ocean smiled and answered._  
_-‘’ You are not Icarus, you’re the deepest ocean, you are more tragic..’’_  
_-‘’ I am not the ocean, I only became one ‘’ The ocean sent a wave and kissed on top of the sun’s hair._  
_-’' What were you before then? ‘’ The sun asked._  
_-’' Well… I once was the honeybee on top of a lilly, then I became the rain falling on top of crops, I was the silence of the snow, and the last leave fell on autumn. I was a fallen God… ‘’ The ocean continued singing his lullabies and the sun closed his eyes…_

 

We don’t know how long they sat like that, but Izaya continued on soothing Shizuo, and the fireplace continued on illuminating the room into a mix of saffron and gray..

 

    -‘’ Oh my god- ‘’ Shizuo abruptly talked, making Izaya straighten up in the couch and lean towards him.  
    -‘’ What? ‘’  
    -‘’ I’m.. I’m in love with you. _Shit_.. I am in love with you so much Izaya..’’  
    -‘’ I told you-‘’  
    -‘’ Yeah you told me to not to do this to myself. But I swear to God I didn’t.. It just happened. _You slashed your love onto my chest, Izaya_ ’’ Without sitting up, Shizuo turned his head and looked at Izaya. He brought a hand on his black hair that was spilling like Rimbaud’s ink, and touched to the faint pink of his lips  
    -‘’ I am sorry.. ‘’ Izaya kissed Shizuo’s fingertips.

 

 

That night, Shizuo and Izaya slept on the couch, with their hands and legs tangled to each other, with Izaya’s head perfectly fitting under Shizuo’s chin, and Shizuo’s hand on his hair, neck, shoulder blades.. Wherever Izaya was hurting.. _Everywhere. In his soul, under his tears.._

 

Izaya slept, but Shizuo didn’t. He couldn’t.

 

He thought about all the things Izaya revealed to him, little by little, dots connected inside his head, and every dot made his heart ache even more.

 

He looked at Izaya’s chest, falling and rising in a steady, peaceful rhythm. _This man beside him was on the streets when he was sixteen, he was getting in the bed of other men_.. _He was just a child._

 

_Did it… hurt? His first time.._

_Izaya cries easily.. did he.. cried when…_

 

Shizuo shook his head and made the thought fall.

 

 _A child that beer bottles were thrown at his body._ Shizuo looked at Izaya’s closed lids and long eyelashes. He adored his delicate skin.. _This was that kid? Why would someone strike this skin?_

 _Izaya would feed cats after school. He did this when they were in high school, what could he do to deserve such a thing when he was just a child for fuck’s sake?_ The thought made Shizuo’s eyes water and he breathed deep.

 

Izaya moved in his sleep and his brows clenched. He gave a whimper-like sound which Shizuo immediately reacted to it with kissing on top of his hair and whispering; ‘’- ssh.. You’re safe, Izaya.. It’s just a dream.. ‘’ Izaya opened his eyes for a second, then went back to sleep.

 

_What he saw just now? His father?, one of his old clients?, his blackmailer? Hell, so many people could be the cause of that whimper. Izaya was surrounded with so much violence._

 

 _Why did he chose me?_ Thought after thought, the silence of the penthouse sticked onto Shizuo’s collar as the fireplace started loosing it’s warmth. Shizuo carefully lifted himself on his elbow and took the blanket standing next to the couch. He covered Izaya’s body and went back to their initial position. _Why did he accepted me? I am a disgusting violent too, why didn’t Izaya ran away from me?_

 

Shizuo looked at Izaya and smelled the nostalgia on his skin.   _What would I do if you.. end it.. Izaya?_

_He couldn’t take it._

Ch 4.3: Confession

 

The door opened and the young informant stepped in. Day after day he looked more like a ghost, or a reaper wearing a long black coat. Alexei Kovalev greeted him from the edge of the bed, with Spinoza’s writings open between his thumb. ‘’- Hello, Izaya ‘’

With a familiarity Izaya didn’t really welcomed, he took his coat off and hanged to the hanger. Alexei went back to reading as Izaya stayed silent and stripped down to his boxers. Alexei closed the book and placed it on his side when Izaya sat on his knees in front of him.

The older one’s head tilted a little;

    -‘’ What happened, you’re awfully submissive today ‘’

On that, Izaya traveled his hands on Alexei’s thighs, his eyes gleamed a little, and Alexei saw too. Izaya brushed his warm lips on the other’s hand and kissed the ring on his finger; ‘’- Ne- Alexei.. ‘’

 

   -‘’ Yes? ‘’ Alexei felt a need to put his other hand on the young one’s hair.

 

Izaya stretched his arms on Alexei’s shirt like he was the _Venus_ seducing _Adonis_. _A tragic painting_. Izaya parted his lips;

‘’- Do whatever you want with me, but don’t touch _him_ , alright? Don’t touch his life, don’t try hurting the ones he loves..‘’

 

_''...How white and red each other did destroy!_

_But now her cheek was pale, and by and by It flash'd forth fire, as lightning from the sky._

_Now was she just before him as he sat,_

_And like a lowly lover down she kneels;_

_With one fair hand she heaveth up his hat, Her other tender hand his fair cheek feels:_

_His tenderer cheek receives her soft hand's print, As apt as new-fallen snow takes any dint._

_O, what a war of looks was then between them !...''_

Alexei looked at his eyes, captivating, electric red. He of course knew who he was talking about. He placed his knuckles on Izaya's pure milk face; ‘’- Is this.. your _agape_ , Izaya? Towards the person you love. Are you sacrificing yourself for him? ‘’ He asked as they danced in each other’s eyes.

‘’ No-‘’ Izaya leaned into the touch with a smile softer than Mona Lisa’s. ‘’- _For he is so young, and he loves too much_ ‘’ He replied in Russian and lifted himself around _the snake_ like he was the Sahara; ‘’- Not everyone can be full of hope like _him_ , or like Spinoza. ‘’ He finished and tangled his fingers in Alexei’s hair with a quick move and dripped every lust there is in him.

 

Alexei journeyed his own fingers on the curves of _the_ _young immortal’s_ body. He smelled the fragrant skin and looked up to him; ‘’- I will not harm him. I am giving you a solid promise. But in exchange, tell me- ‘’ Izaya also looked inside his eyes, saw the darker blues thinning inside the ice. He saw the lines under his eyes and waited for his question.

 

‘’- _What is your deepest fear, Izaya?_ ‘’

 

Izaya’s hand found Alexei’s chest as his eyes hesitated for the answer. He then leaned slowly and whispered in his ear;

 

‘’- _I don’t want to end up like my mother ‘’_

 

 

'' _...O, where am I ?' quoth she, ' in earth or heaven,_

_Or in the ocean drench'd, or in the fire ?_

_What hour is this ? or morn or weary even ?_

_Do I delight to die, or life desire ?..._ ''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?


	5. Love of the Weeping Butterfly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the chapter before the storm.. It may look a little short, but it has 4.500+ words, just the spacing is less. On the other hand, if I decide not to cut it, the next chapter will be long and HEAVY. So I might take my time... Suit yourselves, may this chapter be your power:D
> 
> Vocab;
> 
> 1\. Memento Mori: A latin phrase basically says ' Remember, there is death. Remember that you're going to die. And remember the death'  
> 2\. Zhuangzi and The Butterfly; It is an anectode that the Daoist thinker of that name tells. It is a deep subject but I learned it from the anime Kuroshitsuji as Lau told it there. His version is the most understandable and the best in my opinion so lemme credit him.d *yeah credit an anime character yehuu* But for more info. the article on 'philosophynow' is really good.

Ch 5: Memento Mori

 

On the floor, shattered pieces of glass, creased bedsheets, and Izaya.

 

Alexei Kovalev wiped the blood on his lips. He then took Izaya by the throat and slammed him to the wall; Drawing a pained laugh from the young informant;

      -‘’ You’re getting weaker Alexei, didn’t your father teach you how to fight?’’ Izaya yelled at him with all the air in his lungs, which were going to be taken away by Alexei’s next punch.

     -‘’ You never know when to hold your mouth don’t you, Izaya? ‘’ Alexei returned the punch Izaya threw at him and let him crumble onto the floor once he was dizzy enough to shut up.

 

Alexei leaned to the wall next to him and they both panted. _Maybe Izaya was right; maybe he was getting weaker. Drugs, alcohol, and lack of sleep… At some point those things were going to get back at him and Izaya was the strawberry on top of the cake._

 _Or.. he was getting good at fighting back.._ Alexei looked at Izaya’s shaking form next to him;

     -‘’ Even if I gave you the video, you’d still come if I wanted, Izaya. Because this is what you only understand- ‘’ He pointed his finger at him; ‘’- You’re made of violence- ‘’ He then looked at his bloody knuckles ‘’- _But I guess some children are born with tragedy in their blood_ ‘’

That made Izaya slowly turn his head to look at him. He put his hand onto the carpet burn on his right knee; ‘’- You think that’s us? ‘’

     -‘’ Don’t you think? ‘’ Alexei lifted one eyebrow.  
     -‘’ Yeah.. I guess you’re right ‘’

 

It has been a week since Shizuo gave those two weeks for Izaya to get himself out of this. _But the lost ship in the endless sea had nowhere to go._ Izaya tried to get rid of Alexei; With a knife in his hand, he stood next to him, but he never thought taking a life would be this hard. And now there they were; Fighting, fucking, laughing.. Ultraviolence at it’s best.

 

Alexei stretched a hand to the drawer and took a packet of cigarettes, an ashtray, and a lighter. The hiss he gave while lighting the cigarette didn’t escape from the young informant’s attention;

    -‘’ Was I too hard on you? ‘’ Izaya also lit himself a cigarette with this trembling hands.  
    -‘’ I am an old man, you broke a vase on me ‘’ Alexei replied and inhaled a trace of gray.  
    -‘’ Well… I am sorry for the vase ‘’

 

The older man gave a laugh that wasn’t very voiceful; ‘’- Apart from violence, we have more in common than you want to think, Izaya ‘’ He said.

    -‘’ Like what? ‘’ Izaya tried to sit more comfortably but the pain in his back didn’t allow him.  
    -‘’ We’re both self-destructive ‘’

 

 

Alexei was right.. The fact that Izaya was still hiding all this from Shiki, the fact that he was shooting, the fact that Izaya thought Alexei was right, all these were confirming Alexei.

 

The older informant got up, then came back with a bottle of vodka; ‘’- Do you want some? ‘’

‘’- No ‘’ Izaya shook his head. He then watched Alexei open the bottle and gulp down at least the quarter of the bottle. _The sight wasn’t unfamiliar._

 

Izaya put the cigarette in the ashtray and crawled towards his jacket. Alexei watched his slow, pained movements and his brows clenched at the sight of oncoming bruises on the boy’s back. ‘ _Maybe I did hit hard after all..’_   _He silently thought._

 

Izaya took out a needle, a little bottle and a tourniquet from his jacket, then crawled back to his spot on the wall. Every move strained his back, he felt the pain inside his bones. Once he leaned his back to the wall, he sighed and tied the tourniquet to his arm.

 

 _Pain gradually becomes unbearable if you can’t find a vein with your blurry sight and hurting chest._ Alexei put off his cigarette and took the boy’s arm, he quickly found a vein, and pushed the prepared needle into Izaya’s vein. The blood formed an hibiscus inside the needle as Izaya’s limbs slowly relaxed. A loose smile spread onto his full lips and Izaya dropped his head onto Alexei’s shoulder; ‘’- Ne- Alexei ‘’

 

    -‘’ Yes? ‘’ Alexei pulled the needle out and lit an another cigarette.  
    -‘’ I always see butterflies. Wherever I go, whenever I am hurt. They follow me..’’ Izaya’s eyes trailed a yellow butterfly flying inside the room.  
    -‘’ We are in winter, Izaya. The butterflies are sleeping. ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes.. I know, right? But.. they’re like just so yellow.. and they hurt my eyes.. Ne.. Do you know the anectode of Zhuangzi and the butterfly? ‘’  
    -‘’ No. tell me. ‘’

 

Izaya spoke in a tired, flat voice; ‘’- _One night, Zhuang Zhou dreamt he was a butterfly. He was a happily fluttering butterfly. It was so much fun. He could fly wherever he wanted. And he had no thought of being Zhou, but suddenly he woke up, and was startled to find that he was now Zhou. He couldn’t decide: Was he Zhou who’d dreamt he was a butterfly or a butterfly now dreaming he was Zhou?_ Maybe we are the butterfly, Alexei. Maybe all that’s happened to us never happened and then we wouldn’t be crazy in the head..’’

 

Alexei caressed Izaya’s  hair; ‘’- Even if we are dreaming, this would be a nightmare, Izaya. Not a dream. ‘’

 

Izaya continued on mumbling on Alexei’s shoulder as Alexei drowned in the hallucination of his Andrei.

 

 

 

 _He remembered him, Andrei was fifteen and he himself was fourteen. Andrei was so young, so beautiful.. His golden hair went up and down as they ran down from the hill_ ; ‘’- Alyosha! Fast!  You’re so slow ‘’ _Andrei laughed and laid down onto the green grass._

 

_Alexei was gasping for breath when he catched him. He also immediately let his body fall onto the grass. The ground was cold and slightly wet, but the weather was nice today._

     -‘’ My lungs are weak, Andrei. I can’t run this much ‘’ _Young Alexei felt the fresh air burn his lungs._

 

 _Andrei laughed_ ; ‘’- But you run for me, right? ‘’ _He then turned his body and put a hand on Alexei’s cheek._

    -‘’ No. Stop-‘’ _Alexei moved away from the touch and looked around_ ; ‘’- What if someone sees us? ‘’  
    -‘’ Fine..’’ _Andrei whined and put his arms back his head._

 

 

    -‘’ I am hearing rumours about us..’’ _Alexei spoke._  
    -‘’ Well.. what can I say, _information is power. ‘’ Andrei shrugged and replied._  
    -‘’ We.. we shouldn’t be together. This is wrong. ‘’ _Alexei dropped his head and journeyed his fingers on the grass;_ ‘’- This is dangerous ‘’

 

 _On that, Andrei sat up, and with a swift move, dropped Alexei to the ground_ ; ‘’- _Carpe diem, Alyosha._ Seize the day ‘’ _He then smiled and put a little kiss on Alexei’s lips._

 

 

Izaya stopped mumbling, and when he lifted his head up, he saw Alexei crying.

 

 

 

Ch 5.1: Someone Who Cares

 

Shizuo was in a taxi with Tom and Vorona when Shinra called;

 

   -‘’ Hey, Shinra ‘’  
   -‘’ Shizuo-kun, did you see Izaya after last week? ‘’  
   -‘’ No. Like I said I gave him two weeks.. and you know.. I was working. Did something happen?’’  
   -‘’ Well.. –‘’ _The underground doctor scratched his head_ ‘’- The girls are in our place tonight, so you can go see him if you want.. Izaya came to me last night, and seems like he and his.. _blackmailer_ fought quite bad.. ‘’

 

Shizuo’s brows furrowed. ‘’- I.. I will see him..’’ A discomfort settled inside his chest.

 

* * *

 

 

 

To his bad luck, today was busy. They traveled to four places, all scattered around the city, and it was half past eleven when Shizuo finally managed to come to Shinjuku and rang Izaya’s bell.

 

‘’- It’s open ‘’ It was Izaya’s voice, knowing that no one but Shizuo would come after eleven. His voice was weak, Shizuo wouldn’t hear him if the entire building wasn’t so quiet.

 

Shizuo stepped in and closed the door behind him. He walked to see couple of needles, a bottle and cottons all scattered around the coffee table, and gulped down when he saw Izaya’s slumped body, currently under the influence of drugs. The discomfort in his chest got stronger when he sat beside Izaya on the couch.

 

Izaya looked numb. _Because he was_. His head was sticked to the couch and his one hand was lying limp on his lap. He was also high, by the looks of the smile on his lips.

 

    -‘’ What is this, Izaya?’’ Shizuo pointed out the materials on the coffee table with his head.  
    -‘’ It’s.. I mean.. It’s not-‘’ Izaya mumbled inexpressively as he supported himself with his hands and lifted his head. He then shakily took the bottle on the table;   - ''It’s not H. or somethin’. It’s a painkiller. Stronger. Shinra gave me.. Look- ‘’ He gave the bottle to Shizuo.

 

Shizuo took the bottle and catched Izaya by the shoulder before he fell on him. He breathed in and out before putting the bottle back; ‘’- I know what this is, Izaya..’’ He then untied Izaya’s cranberry-red robe to see the damage that caused Shinra to give him a painkiller that was this strong.

Well.. ‘’ _\- fuck_..-‘’ The curse poured itself under his breath and Shizuo’s breath halted at the sight. ‘’- This is.. this is bad, Izaya. Why the f- ‘’

 

Izaya gave a long – _high_ \- laugh as Shizuo’s fingers traveled on the bruises on his ribcage; ‘’- I broke a vase on him Shizu-chan. It was so funny.. ‘’ He then laughed again, louder this time. Shizuo looked at the manic man, but then made him lean his body on his chest to see his back.

 

 _That.. was bad._ Shizuo knew the bruises on his back weren’t made by punches. He knew that you had to slam somebody to the wall, _repeadetly_ , to do these. Shizuo knew, because Shizuo also did it to somebody else before..

 

Shizuo let Izaya free and closed his eyes. He re-considered going to Shiki, even though Izaya still had a week.

 _Yes_.. He could go to Shiki.. he could save Izaya.

 _Then Izaya wouldn’t be able to do the only thing he loved anymore. And he would still lose him_. _Dead end_.

 

Whenever he played various scenarious in his brain, Shizuo always lost Izaya. Mentally and..

 _Dead end._ Shizuo gave a sharp exhale; ‘’- Dammit.. fuck..’’ He cursed as he massaged his temples. He’d curse when he was stressed, a bad habit that he couldn’t stop. Izaya looked at him, to his clenched brows and stiff expression, then extended his arms to place his own fingers with the ones that Shizuo was massaging his temple with. When he was relaxing Shizuo, Izaya’s fingers were soft, and forehead was cold when he pressed them together.

 

     -‘’ Yes..-‘’ Izaya whispered; ‘’- I think we should to _that,_ Shizu-chan ‘’ He then traveled his fingers down to Shizuo’s jawline, neck, and massaged his strong shoulders.

 

His nerves were so tense that Shizuo gave a voiceless laugh; ‘’- What do you mean Izaya, don’t be absurd ‘’ But he didn’t dare to separate their eyes or foreheads.

Izaya dropped his eyes to Shizuo’s lips and spoke at them; ‘’- I..I need you, Shizu-chan ‘’

 

Shizuo felt how cold Izaya’s hand was when Izaya put it on his cheek; ‘’-Then let me go to Shiki, let me help you, Izaya-‘’

‘’- No..- ‘’ Izaya ran his fingers inside Shizuo’s blond hair and smelled Ikebukuro’s night, it’s wind, and cigarettes on him; ‘’- I need _you ‘’_ He repeated, and looked at Shizuo’s eyes. Some tears invaded his already shattered vision; ‘’- I had no one, Shizu-chan. I had no one..’’

‘’- I know..’’ Shizuo kissed Izaya’s forehead and wiped his tears away; ‘’- I know..’’

 

Izaya moved himself back like he was ashamed and looked down before giving a sentence that instantly broke Shizuo’s heart;

‘’- I had no one, Shizu-chan.. But everyone had _me_ ‘’

 

 

At that second, the canvas of Izaya’s tattered and torn body, along with the red hanging loosely around his shoulders, his trembling heart, and the tears on his beautiful face slapped Shizuo.

He understood.

 

 

Shizuo catched Izaya’s shoulder and put his one hand on the back of his neck. He kissed him, Izaya’s lips were slightly chopped, they tasted like sadness, but Shizuo’s soul was already threwn on them the day Izaya marked his chest with his piercing eyes and sharp knife. Izaya kissed back, Shizuo tasted nostalgic, electric, he tasted like the bright amphetamine sky; purple, blue and a little yellow.

They were both panting when they broke the kiss and Shizuo rested his lips on Izaya’s face; ‘’- Are you sure, Izaya? I mean.. your body.. you look bad. I would hurt you even if I try not to be too harsh ‘’ He also tasted the salt dripping from Izaya’s eyes as the other replied;

 

‘’- No one can hurt me anymore ‘’

 

 

Ch 5.2: Heaven of the Butterfly

 

Shizuo broke the second kiss and stopped his hands that were longing under Izaya’s robe; ‘’- Let’s go to the bedroom ‘’ He whispered.

‘’- Okay ‘’ Izaya nodded and clenched his fingers on the back of Shizuo’s vest; ‘’- The second door ‘’

 

 

Shizuo carried _the immortal_ to the bedroom and laid him down onto the white bedsheets; gently, to not hurt his back that Shizuo was sure, was once a home for two wings. Izaya opened and bent his legs as Shizuo supported himself on the bed with his one hand, and unbuttoned his vest with other.He then kissed him and let Izaya take it off of him. Izaya let the vest slip onto the floor with a quick move and unbuttoned Shizuo’s shirt. He then broke the kiss and asked;

 

    -‘’Why it isn’t healed? I didn’t cut that deep ‘’ Izaya’s fingers drew an imaginal horizontal line on the scar on Shizuo’s chest.  
    -‘’ I don’t know ‘’ Shizuo put his hand onto Izaya’s, then brought his fingers to his lips.

 

Izaya only watched as Shizuo took his pants off and started putting little kisses everywhere on Izaya’s body. He kissed the carpet burn on Izaya’s knee, as he tried not to think of how he got them, _how his hair was pulled as he was dragged on the floor._  He kissed the scars on his pelvis, chest. He only brushed his lips when he came to the bruises on his ribcage; Because he knew, even kissing would hurt them..

 

Shizuo was healing, he was warm, Izaya felt it inside his chest but he didn’t know if he should be touching him too. _Because he would take their shirt and maybe pants off, and that’s it. Izaya wouldn’t touch them unless they ordered so._ That is why he only caressed Shizuo with his eyes and kept his arms laid dead on the sheets.

 

‘’- Why are you crying, Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo asked as he himself dropped a wandering tear onto the cigarette burn on Izaya’s arm.

‘’- I..- ‘’ Their eyes connected and Izaya smiled, his head tilted a little and made some black hair fall on his teary eyes; ‘’- _I had no one ‘’_

 

Shizuo understood.

 

 _This might sound a little theatrical, maybe more of a push, dear reader, but this was Izaya’s first time._ _Because he had no one, everyone had him._

_Life had him._

 

 

Shizuo smiled back and put Izaya’s hair away from his face; ‘’- You know.. you’re my first.. ‘’

Izaya’s eyes gleamed; ‘’- First _man_? ‘’

‘’- Yes ‘’ Shizuo breathed out as he slowly slipped Izaya’s boxers off of him. Without dropping that wide smile on his face, Izaya turned and opened the drawer next to him and Shizuo took out a lube and a condom from it.  Izaya lifted his legs up and Shizuo leaned and kissed him as he prepared him.

 

Izaya wasn’t an untouched flower, Shizuo’s fingers easily slipped inside him, he felt warm.

 

Izaya didn’t know what to do after the second Shizuo’s lips left him. _Should he be moaning?_ _Would Shizuo like that?_

 

 _Izaya worked like an automatic doll; He would scream if you wanted, or would be silent if you liked that. Right now, he just didn’t know.._  

 

Shizuo took out his boxers and put the condom on. He then traveled his hands on Izaya’s legs; ‘’- Tell me if I hurt you, alright? ‘’ He whispered in Izaya’s ear as he positioned himself.

Izaya nodded, his eyes gleaming with excitement and joy. Shizuo started to enter carefully and Izaya felt the shivers running down from his spine. His exhale shuddered and he held the sheets without separating his eyes from his sun. Shizuo kissed him when he was halfway in; ‘’- You can hold on to me, Izaya ‘’ He quietly said after he broke the kiss.

 

With those seven sacred words, Izaya’s arms came to life, and maybe with a little hesitation, he clenched his fingers to the back of Shizuo’s shoulders; A whispery moan left his lips as his body arched under Shizuo’s controlled thrusts.

 

 

Slowly, Shizuo brought his hand towards Izaya’s chest. _All those men, and Izaya’s heart still shuddered like a seventeen year old._

_And he still had the purest eyes. There wasn’t any lust in them; Just happiness._

_Izaya looked like the happiest person in the world in Shizuo’s arms._

 

It was getting late at night and the city was enfolding itself in a dark blue silence. Izaya held on tight to _the sun_ as Shizuo’s hair poured on him like sunlit lavenders. The walls trembled in their skin. Izaya curled his fingers inside _the golden lion_ ’ _s_ hair when he hit _that spot_.

 

 ‘’- Did I found it? ‘’ Shizuo asked. ‘’- _Yes_ ‘’ Izaya’s eyes closed and he threw his head backwards ‘’- _Yes_ ‘’ He let out a trail of chanting moans that enchanted Shizuo.

 

With that, Shizuo forced the pace and started driving them to the grand finale. Their voices intonated, Izaya’s breath turned into staccatos; Shuddering with every stroke. Shizuo let out a staggering growl as he pressed their foreheads together.

 

 _Two mere souls that fell for each other, had each other that night._ _And just for tonight, the gates of heaven opened for Izaya once again._ _He was happy_. _Just for tonight, he was the butterfly._ _Nothing hurt and tonight, he was just a young man in love._

 

One more hit to the sorrow and Izaya’s lips parted and trembled with the climax. But the sound he was going to make got stuck in his throat. In Izaya’s eyes, Shizuo saw the tiny specks of light trembling on top of the dark blue ocean in the night. Shizuo held Izaya’s legs as they both shuddered and he buried his nose inside Izaya’s neck.

 

‘’- Sh.. Shizu-chan ‘’ Izaya’s lips ached for the sentence; ‘ _I love you_ ‘. He burned alive for it, but couldn’t say it. Tears spoke instead.

 

The other understood that there was a reason why he couldn’t say it; ‘’- I know, I know.. me too ‘’ The blond put a little kiss on his neck and slowly got outside of him and Izaya lowered his legs. A sentence poured from Izaya’s mouth in a desperate voice;

 

    -‘’ The reason I wanted you to stop loving me was… because.. we couldn’t.. we can’t be happy, Shizuo. I know it.. just..-‘’  
    -‘’ It’s fine-‘’ Shizuo threw the condom to the bin and let his body drop beside Izaya. ‘’- Every couple around us are supposedly be happy. So what? If it’s with you, I am content to be sad, Izaya. Let’s be sad together ‘’

 

 ' _Let's be sad together '_

 _A caress shuddered the ocean’s waves_ ; ‘- _Let’s be sad together_ ‘ _The sun exploded and clasped their souls in one._

 

Izaya snuggled under Shizuo’s wings like a cat and tangled their legs together; ‘’-I.. I still don’t know how I will get myself out of this..’’ He murmured.

 

Shizuo looked right into his deep-red eyes as he tucked a lock of black hair behind his ear; ‘’- Okay.. okay just.. don’t do anything stupid to.. to yourself, alright?- ‘’ He smiled and kissed on top of his hair. _The smell of mint chocolate was lingering both on Izaya and the sheets_ ; ‘’- We.. we will fix this. We’ll find a way.. Everything is gonna be alright. ‘’

 

    -‘’ I don’t want to lose everything- ‘’ Izaya’s voice broke and it’s shattered pieces echoed inside the spacious bedroom; harmonizing in a sob. ‘’- I don’t know what to do..’’  
    -‘’ I know.. I know Izaya ‘’ Shizuo pulled him closer; ‘’- Just.. Sleep for now, okay? I am right here ‘’ He put an assuring hand on Izaya’s cheek.

 

Izaya nodded like a child and buried his face in Shizuo’s chest. He felt warm, right, _safe_.. So many emotions were twirling inside his heart. He was happy and awfully hopeless.

He smiled.

 

But the tears still fell silently until he fell asleep..

* * *

 

 

 

After Izaya was carried to the deep sleep, Shizuo carefully reached towards his shirt and took out a cigarette. He lit it and once again, found himself in the dead end.

 

‘ What I am I going to do? ‘

‘ What I am I going to do? ‘

 

Desperation became a cloud and it’s rain fell on Shizuo.

 

' Even if I am in his bed, would this give me the right to mess with his life? '

 

‘ I don’t know..’ His one hand found his hair and clenched inside it. ‘I don’t know, Izaya ‘

 

Ch 5.3: Love

 

**6 Days Later, Around 23:50  At Night**

Alexei’s one brow arched when Izaya walked into the room rather disheveled; He didn’t seem to be in balance in any sense and staggered as he closed the door behind him. He looked at the half-Russian man sitting on the edge of the bed, and owing to the voices that the _haze_ he pushed into his veins brought, almost couldn’t recognize him. Hell, he didn’t even know how he managed to get here.

 

With learned movements, he started taking his clothes off and tried not to fall onto the floor at the same time. He heard Alexei saying; ‘’- You’re late ‘’ , and mumbled incoherently about ‘the hellish traffic’. Bullshit. He just walked all the way, thus the disheveled look and slight panting.

 

Izaya sat on his knees in front of him and Alexei looked at him, a slight irritation and anger could be read from the older man’s face. He furrowed his eyebrows; ‘’- You shoot something else, didn’t you? ‘’ He asked as he grabbed Izaya’s chin to make him focus at him. Failed though, Izaya’s eyes were drowsy and his dilated pupils had nothing but the cold corners of the abyss inside them. He wasn’t himself, he rather belonged to the bright blue sky.

On that, Alexei slapped him with the back of his hand.

 

 

Izaya started giggling impulsively and felt the blood on his lips; Caused by Alexei’s ring when he slapped him. His hands were on the carpet now, and he could feel Alexei tensing near him. He shakily lifted his one hand up and wiped the blood on his lips. _The hibiscus spreaded out onto the pale lips._ He then smiled, causing the injury bleed more; ‘’ He.. He took me, Alexei ‘’ Izaya spoke slowly and flatly, not a trace from the usual edge in his voice could be found in his voice; ‘’- He.. He took me and it didn’t hurt- ‘’ He turned his face without breaking his position and looked at Alexei’s piercing cold eyes.

 

‘’- I never knew it was supposed to be this painless..and.. and beautiful ‘’ A tragic smile spread onto his lips.

 

Alexei’s head tilted as he focused on every atom of the boy in front of him. His entity. He saw Haruki on his lips, _red_. He saw the other young immortal on his pathetic form, _blue_. He saw Izaya himself, _black_. **_Pitch black_**.

He couldn’t see Andrei, though.

 

The young informant let out a laugh as tears fell on his cheeks and eyes glazed with happiness.

 

 ‘- _Absurd_ ‘ Alexei thought; ‘- _Albert Camus would love this scene_ ‘

 

 

‘’-  I.. I didn’t want to make so much sound.. so that he wouldn’t think of me as the filthy whore you make me feel like everytime… everytime you take me. He..-‘’ Izaya either looked like he was drowning in an invisible ocean, or slowly losing his mind. _Same thing_.

 

 ‘’- He told me that.. he would accept sadness if he’s with me..- ‘’ A quiet sob pushed itself out of his throat; ‘’- What the fuck is this Alexei?- ‘’ He yelled; ‘’- You know all those things, tell me what the fuck this is supposed to mean? ‘’ He then put his hand on his head and laughed brokenly; ‘’ _\- I don’t understand_ ‘’ He mumbled.

 

‘’- Love. ‘’ Alexei simply replied, without skipping a beat. He then repeated when Izaya abruptly stopped and looked at him; ‘’- Love, Izaya. There’s your answer. ‘’

 

‘’- _Love_.. ha.. ‘’ Izaya mumbled silently and drew closer to the older informant. He touched Alexei’s knees, his hands brought the cold shivers of the night. Izaya looked at him like he desperately wanted to say something; Which made Alexei lean towards him, and gently lift him towards the bed. Izaya settled his one leg in between Alexei’s legs, and the other onto the dark-rose gold sheets. He held Alexei’s shoulders to find balance. Alexei helped him by putting a hand on his back. He could smell the foggy, sharp air of the night on him. He smelled sadness on him.

 

 

Despite all the drugs he took earlier to say it; Izaya’s body started shaking in terror as he leaned to Alexei’s ear and whispered in Russian;

‘’ – I.. I forgive you ‘’

 

 

Alexei’s vision shattered.

 

 

_To Alexei Ivanovich Kovalev;_

_Alexei. My love, my heart, my torturer; My deepest ocean._

_My little flower that was kept in the dark but always asked for the sun._

_My unsteady, delirious, manic lover._

_I always thought us to be like Wilde and his lover. But I guess we were more like Rimbaud and Verlaine; We taught each other; How many shades could violence come in._

_Listen, my violet and violent Alyosha;_

_There are things you don’t know. Events that must be kept secret no matter what._

_Because information really was power, Alexei. I learned now, since I dragged both us, and our families to a horrible tragedy._

_How sad and poetic don’t you think, Alexei, that I was too slow to realize that my information would be our death._

_But it was fun. Hear me! This is not your fault._

_I will be right beside you in your long nights and heavy thoughts. I will be with you when your time comes, and we will be free in somewhere else. I know it._

_I forgive you, for you are a young God, and I am the human that has been living and dying for thousand and thousands of years._

_I forgive you, Alexei._

_I forgive you._

_Your Andrei._

Alexei’s vision shattered, along with his already glass heart, and dangerously frail mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your supports, views and comments up until this point. We're getting into action in the next chapter and I will try my best not to disappoint you *I will make you cry tho* But like I said, I have a trust in my storyline and I planned this story from start to finish before writing it, and I wanted it to be sophisticated, different and deep. I hope I am succesful so far :')
> 
> Lemme give you two songs, one for Andrei and Alexei and one for our precious babies :');  
> Arstidir - Cannon  
> Madrugada - Salt (well.. this song clearly talks about a woman, but .. I don't know it works.. )
> 
> ( why don't you suggest your songs that you think would work with this chapter, overall mood of the story, or with the relationships down below in the comments, I would appreciate '*')
> 
> Additional Notes;
> 
> On Andrei's note ' Wilde and his lover ', refers to Oscar Wilde and his lover Lord Alfred Douglas..
> 
> And Arthur Rimbaud and Verlaine were two poets in France who were in a relationship, and it is known that this relationship was quite violent at some points.. check their life stories out, I think it's interesting.
> 
>  
> 
> Please provide me with your comments, so that I know if the direction I am going is good:33, and so that I have a clear view of what I am doing:D  
> Shannyn Out


	6. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now isn't this a long AF chapter? Well, grab your drink, grab your tissues because there is a reason why it is this long. But I suppose I don't need to give disclaimer at this point:ı  
> You can cut it into two parts and read in two sessions. I don't suggest you skimming through it , because you might miss deep points which is this whole story is all about.
> 
> Um.. yea. I have had the busiest week of my life, woah. I don't even know how this chapter got out :o  
> In the next chapter we're closing the part with Alexei and going to the third and final arc of this story, are you excited? *-* ( Lemme say that we're going to see Li in the next chapter)
> 
> Vocab;  
> 1\. Shouganai (I am pretty sure you learned by now but just to be sure.): One of the hardest words in japanese to translate, in my opinion ofc. It's like ''It can't be helped'' ''I can't do anything about it anymore so I am quitting '' It's like turning your back away in despair against a problem. *amazing dictionay I know.*  
> 2\. Sake: Japanese alcoholic drink.  
> 3\. Ohayo: Good morning, in japanese
> 
> Inside this chapter, I re-wrote the first chapter of House of the Rising Sun in a different way. If you want a memory trigger you can go back there and check it out:3
> 
> A song for this chapter; Tortoise- Along the Banks of Rivers

Ch 6.0: Lies 

 

_‘ I forgive you’_

 

With that simple sentence, the Russian informant’s perception shattered; Red, blue and black led themselves to a sad gray. 

  _Alexei heard Andrei’s voice in Izaya’s sentence._

 

Immediately, he catched the young one by the throat and threw him onto the bed. Izaya didn’t resist, he was expecting it. He just looked at Alexei’s eyes and mocked his anger;

   -‘’ This is what _he_ wrote you didn’t he? ‘’ Izaya spoke with a hazy grin on his face.  
   -‘’ What did you just said there, dare to say again ‘’ Alexei growled in a hiss and squeezed Izaya’s throat.  
   -‘’ I forgive you ‘’ Izaya repeated in a strangled voice.

 

 _At the same time, Lady Kovaleva’s words were ringing in Izaya’s mind;_ ‘’-.. _Alexei tried to push him away by agonizing him. But even after Alexei’s tortures, Andrei still wanted to meet with him in private. When he learned about it, Vanya grew more violent, and Alexei grew more violent towards Andrei until… Andrei hanged himself. Leaving a note to Alexei that he forgave him…‘_ _’_

 

‘’- Really? ‘’ Alexei tightened his grip and slowly started taking Izaya’s breath away. Izaya’s one hand instinctively sticked to the hand on his throat, but Alexei catched it. ‘’- Really, Izaya? ‘’ Alexei growled and let go of his throat. He then pinned Izaya to the bed by his arms;

‘’- What if I break your fingers, right now, right here- ‘’ Alexei grasped the fingers on Izaya’s right hand; ‘’- Would you still forgive me, ha? ‘’ He slowly started bending them backwards; ‘’- Speak, Izaya! ‘’

‘’- Yes! ‘’ Izaya screamed, even though he wasn’t feeling any pain owing to the drugs in his system. But his heart raced along with his breath, though he wasn’t aware any of it; ‘’- I forgive you, Alexei ‘’ He then whispered, right into Alexei’s soul.

 

_‘’- Let him go, Alyosha ‘’_

 

Izaya was startled when all of a sudden Alexei released him and pulled out a gun from his jacket. With a face in horror, the Russian informant turned and pointed the gun to the direction where the voice came from.

But no one was in that room, except for two tortured souls.

 

Izaya was quick to understand that Alexei was hallucinating and started laughing frantically; ‘’- I told you, I told you Alexei, you were going to come with me to the madness- ‘’

 

‘’- Shut up, Izaya ‘’ Alexei pointed the gun to Izaya’s face.

 

 _‘’- Don’t hurt him ‘’_ Alexei heard the voice once again.

 

It was Andrei’s voice.

 

With that, Izaya watched while Alexei’s pupils grew larger in terror. The half-Russian then quickly left the house, without even bothering to take a coat. Watching him leave, the young informant’s frantic laughter echoed inside the walls and added itself to the symphony of horror in Alexei Kovalev’s mind.

 

* * *

 

 

Alexei Kovalev started walking into the woods; without exactly knowing where he was going. Even his instincts were telling him to run away, even his heartbeat got faster with each footstep he landed onto the dry leaves and howling night.

 

_‘’- Isn’t it enough, Alyosha? ‘’_

 

The Russian informant stopped and turned. There, Andrei was standing in whites, looking at him, his face beautiful and young as ever. ‘’- Andrei..? ‘’ Alexei breathed out the sacred name into the dark green night, for the first time after all those years. One drop of tear left his ice blue eyes as he asked; ‘’- My time has come? ‘’

 

    -‘’ _It’s near_.. ‘’ The boy in whites answered as a butterfly flew past him. It was blinding, pure, whitest white..

 

Alexei was going to take a step forward, to touch Andrei, to love him again, to adore his smile again. To collapse in front of him and ask for his forgiveness. But Izaya’s sentences echoed in his brain;

 

_‘’ I always see butterflies. Wherever I go, whenever I am hurt. They follow me..’’_

_‘’ I told you, I told you Alexei, you were going to come with me to the madness- ‘’_

_‘’ You have no idea what kind of a darkness I am keeping inside my mind.. ‘’_

 

‘’- You’re not real.. ‘’ Alexei stopped and averted his gaze to the moon; ‘’- But you’re beautiful as that‘’ Andrei followed Alexei’s eyes and he too, looked at the bright gray-white moon.

When Alexei looked back, Andrei was gone.

 

Alexei Kovalev took out his phone and called a number;

    -‘’ Yes, Kovalev-san? ‘’ The other line quickly answered, a moan of a woman could be heard from the background.  
    -‘’ I need H, and some sedatives ‘’ Alexei simply said and ended the call.

* * *

 

 

At the meantime, Izaya quickly dressed and started searching Alexei’s drawers and closets to find the video he was keeping.

‘’-fuck ‘’ After hitting his injured hand to a open drawer, he cursed under his breath. His vision was blurring and he was still stumbling. But he searched. To get himself out of this. To be able to go to Shizuo and look at him in the eye-

 

 _It wasn’t there._ _The video wasn't there._

_‘- fuck’_

 

With that, his heart at his mouth, Izaya ran to the gas station. He asked from the old man working there to call a taxi for him and waited as the cold of the night pierced inside his body.

 

The taxi came twenty minutes later, Izaya settled to the backseat of the car; ‘’- Where are we going, sir? ‘’ The driver asked.

 

‘’- Ikebukuro. I will give you the exact adress once we’re there ‘’ Izaya answered.

* * *

 

 

Almost an hour later, the taxi stopped in front of Shizuo’s apartment, and Izaya paid a generous amount money to the taxi driver and stepped out.

He didn’t exactly know why he came there, but his uninjured hand hesitantly extended towards the bell and rang it.

 

When Shizuo opened the door, he saw Izaya; In his trademark black jacket, and with a little smile on his face.

‘’- H.. Hello, Shizu-chan ‘’ Izaya stuttered, and Shizuo was quick to grasp that neither his stuttering nor the tremble on his shoulders were from the cold.

 

Izaya was looking terrified.

 

‘’- C.. Can I.. come in? ‘’ Izaya added. Shizuo quickly regained his focus; ‘’- Yeah..’’ He let him in and only watched as Izaya shakily walked into the room. ‘’- Sorry.. I.. ‘’ Izaya started a sentence but then lost the trace of it, so he just took his jacket off.

 

Shizuo then saw Izaya’s hand. Right under his knuckles were pink and purple and looked slightly swollen.

‘’- What happened to your hand? ‘’ Shizuo immediately asked as he took a step forward and put it on top of his own palm to examine it.

 

Izaya dropped his face and looked at his hand. The decreasing adrenalin, and the fading away effects of the drugs made him realise the state of his hand, and the heat of Shizuo’s hands.

But he was quick to made up a lie. He took his hand back and sat onto the couch; ‘’- I.. It got stuck to the door ‘’ With his words, Shizuo felt a slight anger boiling in his chest. But didn’t let it show; ‘’- You’re lying’’ He calmly said. Izaya escaped his eyes from him.

On that, Shizuo exhaled and turned towards the kitchen; ‘’- I’ll bring some ice ‘’

 

 

A minute later, he came back with some ice wrapped inside a clean towel. He sat next to Izaya and with his one hand, balanced the injured hand, and put the ice with the other.

Izaya was aware of the fact that he wasn’t looking at him, which made him feel inexplicably bad for him and for himself; ‘’- How.. how did you know I was lying? ‘’ He faintheartedly asked to break the silence.

 

Shizuo still didn’t look at him, but he answered; ‘’- I.. I tried to break my own fingers once. When I was eight or something.. Was a stupid idea and I got scared halfway. And that is how my fingers looked like for the next three days.. ‘’ Shizuo focused the ice on Izaya’s other finger.

 

‘’- Why did you do that? ‘’ Izaya asked. On his question, the blond gave a bitter laugh and looked at him with sad eyes; ‘’- Why do you think? ‘’

 

_Because I hated myself._

_Because I was scared of my own hands.. I still am._

 

That placed an another silence between them for five minutes. Shizuo continued on looking at Izaya’s fingers until he saw driplets of a familiar water fall onto it.

When Shizuo lifted his face up, he saw Izaya crying and trembling severely, but he was still squeezing every muscle on his body; ‘’- I’m s- sorry.. It hurts so much Shizu-chan.. I..I need to shoot.. ‘’ He said and took his hand back. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and sniffed; ‘’- I’ll do it outside ‘’ He made a move to get up, but Shizuo stopped him with a little move of his hand;

 

‘’- Don’t.. I mean.. the outside is cold.. Just.. do it here ‘’ He said with an acidic burn in his throat.

 

Izaya silently obeyed and reached for his jacket. He took out the necessary materials from it. He shook his head and mumbled a ‘no’ when Shizuo asked if he needed something. He prepared the needle with quick movements and tied the tourniquet around his right arm. As he was pushing the needle in; He saw Shizuo turning his face away. Self-hatred filled his head like black tar.

 

After he was cured of his trembling, Izaya quietly put the needle onto the table in front of them; and Shizuo saw his shoulders hunch and hands slowly wrap himself. Izaya bit his already injured bottom lip, he couldn’t look at him in the face.

 

‘’- Just.. come here ‘’ Shizuo pulled Izaya closer to him and made him put his head onto his shoulder. He continued on putting ice on his hand. ‘’ – I am going to Shiki, Izaya. I told you two weeks.. ‘’

 

Izaya hummed an absinthal  ‘okay ‘ and everything started going to blue, and guilt ate him in that colour.

 

Why?

Because;

 

The next day, Izaya left early and Shizuo went to Awakusu-Kai headquarters.

Only to learn that Shiki left the country and went to China to take care of some businesses there.

Shizuo didn’t call Izaya, he didn’t call him to say how angry he was with him. _Because Izaya knew about this, doesn’t he?_ He did put out his phone though to give it a try, once he was outside the headquarters, but the device just broke in his clenched fist.

Ch 6.1; Secrets

 

**Three Days Later, at Shinra’s House;**

 

    -‘’ So…? ‘’  
    -‘’ So what, Shinra? ‘’ Shizuo mumbled, his face was dropped and shoulders were hunched. He inhaled a trace of smoke.  
    -‘’ You gave him two weeks, and it was over three days ago. What happened? ‘’ The underground doctor knew something was wrong, he just couldn’t put his finger on it.  
    -‘’ I went to see Shiki ‘’  
    -‘’ And..? ‘’

 

Shizuo inhaled and exhaled from his cigarette and looked at Shinra; ‘’- He’s not in the country, Shinra. He’s in China.. I bet Izaya knew- ‘’ He put off his cigarette and basically buried himself to the couch; ‘’- I bet he knew. He tricked me.. He lied to me. He lied to both of us.. ‘’

 

‘’- I.. should have known- ‘’ The undergound doctor dropped his gaze; ‘’- He’s a drug addict, Shizuo-kun. They.. they lie. Easily- ‘’ He then looked at Shizuo as his chest squeezed with a discomfort ; ‘’- I failed as a friend.. ‘’

 

A silence fell into the room. Celty wasn’t home, some of Mairu and Kururi’s notebooks were scattered on the coffee table. They were staying more with Shinra and Celty since Shinra gave an ultimatum to Izaya saying that he wouldn’t let him look at the girls if he doesn’t take care of himself better. Telling him to quit drugs wasn’t an option, but this, he could do at least.

Not that he wasn’t taking care of his sisters. He did. Every power left in him, Izaya spent it on his sisters..

 

‘’- We.. we slept together, Shinra- ‘’ Shizuo fondled with the cuff of his bartender shirt; ‘’- Maybe.. he just slept with me because he needed to manipulate me- ‘’ He then gave a breathy laugh and turned his face to the doctor; ‘’- and it worked, Shinra.. That day I had to go to Shiki, after seeing his ribs, his body, but.. Instead, I slept with him..’’

 

‘’- I think you shouldn’t think like that, Shizuo-kun- ‘’ After some contemplation, the underground doctor started a string of sentences and spoke calmly;

 

 ‘’- Can you imagine how bad Izaya’s been feeling since Raira days? I knew about his past, Shizuo-kun. I knew, because one day, late at night, my father got a call and went to treat a male prostitute. He later told me that he was beaten hard- ‘’ Listening him, Shizuo’s shoulders hunched even more, he squeezed his fists, and kept his eyes on the leather of the couch. The after-smell of cigarette was circulating inside the room. The young doctor continued;

 

‘’- That male was Izaya. You see, _Izaya crawled out from a place where people gave him drugs, tied him up to a bed, and.. used him like he was nothing but a lifeless doll_. Can you imagine that?  And once Izaya escaped from that hell, he fell into the one inside his own mind. I knew about that too. _I knew that he wasn’t sleeping for days because everytime, he woke up screaming. I knew that he couldn’t eat because he couldn’t keep it inside_. His friend overdosed on heroin, and my father prepared him for the burial. Izaya was there too...  And all that time, he kept all these as a secret from you-‘’

 

‘’- Why, Shinra? I was his boyfriend. Doesn’t it work like.. you’re together no matter what, and you tell everything to each other? ‘’ Shizuo asked and Shinra was quick to answer;

 

‘’- If you were Izaya, _could you tell your boyfriend that you were a male.. no.._ _a child prostitue_ _once?_   _When we were sleeping in our warm beds, Izaya was opening his legs for other men, Shizuo-kun._ And all that for a living. We both know about his life before that, and _we know_ _he didn’t had a cozy bed where he came from either_.‘’

 

Shizuo was already hiding his tears, Shinra settled on fixing his glasses. This was the unshined, dark, dirty truth. He didn’t have any reason to hold himself back. As he was speaking, the doctor’s eyes were trailing the slightly wrinkled part of the carpet;

 

‘’- Celty is better at these things than me but.. I think he didn’t tell you anything, because he didn’t want to hurt you. And not all that.. He was always in shame, he always judged himself in his head. _He was always in pain_ \- ‘’ His last words came out whispery. Shinra gulped and dropped his head;

 

‘’- I wouldn’t think that he manipulated you by being with you. Maybe he wanted to know, and wanted you to learn.. _How would it feel like to be with someone who cares.. and wants you._. ‘’

 

 

_Shizuo remembered Izaya’s words; ‘ I had no one, Shizu-chan.’_

‘ _I never told you, because I knew you couldn’t take it_. _Because I might look like a human wreck, but you are always having a war inside your head, Shizu-chan_ ‘

 

 

Shinra gave an exhale and straightened up while putting on his usual smile; ‘’- So.. Are you going to visit him? ‘’

 

‘’ I.. I am so angry with him Shinra- ‘’ The blond took out his new phone, Shinra understood what happened to his last one; ‘’- And you know.. It might not end well.. ‘’

_And he was right.._

 

The only thing Shinra said before standing up to answer his phone was; ‘’- Please visit him once you are less angry, Shizuo-kun. He only answers my calls when I use the phone he gave to his sisters. But he doesn’t really talk to me at all- ‘’

 

* * *

 

 

With Shinra’s sincere –and right into the head- words, two days later, Shizuo was at Izaya’s door. It was almost three at night, Shizuo hoped Izaya would be sleeping, but he could hear the sound of TV. He knocked on the door, when there wasn’t an answer, he opened the door and went in.

 

The room was dark, except for the light of the TV, and the light of a crappy yellow lamp that Shizuo wondered what the hell was it’s business in here. Needles, bottles, and some cup ramen were scattered on and under the coffee table. Feeling like he just arrived to a random guy’s house to collect debt, Shizuo saw Izaya sitting on the couch, his hands were wrapped around his legs, gray and white radiences of the TV were reflecting onto his distorted silhouette. The debt collector walked near him and stood beside the TV. ‘’- Izaya..? ‘’

 

 _You didn’t need to be an expert to know that the painkillers weren’t the only drugs he took today._ Izaya blinked his bloodshot eyes but wasn’t aware of Shizuo. He was too numb for that. He continued on staring at the old anime on the TV.

 

Shizuo forced himself calm. _‘ Don’t hurt him ‘_ He took a step ahead and kneeled down in front of him.

‘’- Izaya ‘’ He tried again, but Izaya wasn’t responsive. Shizuo looked sideways and bit his lip not to slap him. _Not that he would_ but..

 

     -‘’ Izaya, where are your sisters? ‘’ Shizuo asked, knowing that this would work. And he was right, he watched as Izaya’s eyelids instantly water up upon his question;  
     -‘’ Sh.. Shinra took them.. ‘’ Izaya answered as quiet as Kururi.

He then became aware of _the sun_ in front of him. He dropped his eyes on him, ‘’- Sh.. Shizu-chan? ‘’ and narrowed them.

 

     -‘’ You knew Shiki was going to go to China, right? ‘’ Shizuo asked.

 

‘’- Shizu-chan- ‘’ Izaya dropped his legs to the floor and his arms extended for the sun. He needed his sun, in his every atom, in his being, for his existence.

 

Shizuo stopped Izaya with a little move; ‘’- Please answer me Izaya ‘’

 

‘’- I am sorry ‘’ Izaya let out a cry as he took his arm back and clenched his hand on his heart; ‘’- I am sorry Shizu-chan..’’

 

_Please don’t hate me._

_Please don’t.._

 

Shizuo’s eyebrows clenched in pain in front of Izaya who was crumbling into pieces right now; ‘’- What happened to my strong Izaya? What happened to the man I love? ‘’ Shizuo put his hands on the sides of the smaller one’s arms and searched inside his eyes. He jolted him just a little, so that, _hoping_ that he would come back to himself; ‘’- Answer me, Orihara Izaya. ‘’

His own name made Izaya wince. He dropped his head and bit his bottom lip. At the same time, Shizuo was thinking how Izaya was looking like he was in a body that was borrowed, not his.

 

_‘What happened to the man I love?’  Shizuo’s words sank into Izaya’s heart._

 

Izaya stopped crying and looked at him with exhausted eyes; ‘’- Shouganai.. ‘’ The word simply poured itself out, and Izaya silently drowned in it.

 

_There, Shizuo snapped._

 

Shizuo’s eyes grew larger; ‘’- Shouganai?- ‘’ He blurted out. Izaya winced and sat smaller. ‘’- Are you fucking kidding with me, Izaya? ‘’ His hands started trembling in anger, he felt it, he was losing his control. Still, he breathed in and out then catched the smaller one by the wrist; ‘’- No. I am not letting you give up. Come with me. ‘’ He then basically dragged Izaya to the bathroom.

‘’- Sh.. Shizu-‘’

 

Once they were in the spacious bathroom, Shizuo threw the white sheet covering the large mirror, where it dropped onto the tiles ungraciously. It has been puzzling him since he first came to Izaya’s house;

 ‘’- Take a look at your body, take a look at yourself Izaya. You can’t even look at yourself anymore, that’s why you put this thing on top of the mirror. I am I right?- ‘’ He pointed the white sheet on the floor with his finger.

 

_It wasn’t the only reason, but Izaya had no heart to tell him._

 

When Izaya stayed unresponsive, Shizuo moved to pull Izaya’s long oversized t-shirt off of him.

 

‘’ No- ‘’ The other resisted but Shizuo took the clothing off with a quick move, then hugged Izaya from the back, his one hand was on his collarbones the other was wrapped around his little waist;  ‘’- I beg you, _see yourself_ ‘’ He whispered into his ear.

 

‘’- Let me go ‘’ Izaya struggled; ‘’- Let me go!  ‘’ He finally yelled. His voice echoed inside the white walls as he felt his legs going weaker. His being threatened to collapse on Shizuo’s arms and he broke into a hysterical sob; ‘’-L.. Let me-‘’

_Let me fall._

 

‘’- No. ‘’ Shizuo’s arms were secure around Izaya. _He wasn’t going to let him fall_. ‘’- Please, Izaya, stop being stubborn-‘’ He buried his forehead into the other’s raven hair; ‘’- _I know it hurts_ \- ‘’

 

_A voice inside the mirror. A familiar child’s voice started talking and supressed Shizuo’s deep and calming voice._

 

 _‘’- You’re stained ‘’_ Izaya’s eyes turned to the mirror. _That was why he was covering the mirror. ‘’- You’re stained ‘’ the child repeated with a sick grin on his face._

 

‘’- Let me go, Shizuo ‘’ With his heart ringing inside his ears, Izaya stilled and said for one last time. And it was direct, wasn’t a request anymore..

 

The blond slowly unclenched his arms and tried his best not to look at Izaya’s eyes. _He didn’t want to see the sparks of familiar red in them. Though if he looked, Heiwajima Shizuo would only see the terror inside the deep-red orbs._ Their hearts were in ablaze and Shizuo knew what was next;

 

‘’- Get out- ‘’ Izaya simply said as he tried to gulp down an horrendous nausea. He squeezed his fists to hide the fear inside him. _The child in the mirror started laughing frantically._ ‘’- Get out ‘’ Izaya repeated, Shizuo closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip..

 

_The sun was in love with the ocean._

_The ocean was dying, and the sun tried to save him._

_The sun really, really tried to help him.._

_But the ocean…_

 

Shizuo turned and left.

 

 

Orihara Izaya dropped onto his knees, next to the stretched white sheets, right beside his newly dropped heart. _His child version stopped laughing and fixed his eyes on him;_ ‘’- _You’re dirty_ ‘’

    -‘’ I know ‘’ Izaya murmured as he looked at the needle marks on his arms, which were flaming with a soft blue illumination..  
    -‘’ _You’re used_ ‘’  
    -‘’ I know ‘’  
    -‘’ _Even Shizuo hates you now_ ‘’

 

Izaya came eye to eye with the mirror; ‘’ I know, but.. shouganai, right? ‘’ He smiled to _it._

 

 _The child nodded_ and vaporized into nothingness.

 

Ch. 6.2: _And the deepest ocean drowns himself._

 

A distant sound, something like the rustle of the leaves in autumn. Something like the wind was persistent inside the informant’s head as he got onto his feet and put his t-shirt back. Was he crying? He didn’t know anymore..

Everything was falling apart, though he felt like someone just took his emotions out of his chest. He looked at the mirror for some time, not quite able to form any kind of thought. He then walked back to the living room and cleaned the room with silent, robotic movements.

After that, he made his way to his study room.

It was after five’o clock when the floor of his study room was littered with some crumbled, some torn, some burned papers. Izaya looked at the last ones standing on his desk, and caressed them before putting them into nice envelopes.

He took a long, warm shower and cleaned himself as he hummed an old tune that he loved.

It was six’o clock when he was out of shower. In tympanic silence, he dragged his feet to the dressing room to get dressed. There, his attention slided to the red kimono that Li gave him years ago. He stood next to it and touched to the arms of the silky fabric. He whispered an apology and a forlorn smile settled onto his lips. _‘ ..Thank you for looking at me, like there was something worth looking at in me, Li-san..’_ He then took a white satin robe from the closet and wore it.

 

A rising sun was litting the room into a faint sunrise as the forever twenty-one year old Orihara Izaya recalled the day he left his home. At the same time, he was preparing two safes. One that only his sisters knew the code of; He put some information there that they could sell in the future, along with instructions on how to do it.

_‘ I know you’re going to hate me, Mairu, Kururi; But I hope it doesn’t last long ‘_

 

The other was the one that only Shiki-san knew it’s code; He put the dangerously frail and important information there, along with a letter of apology.

 

‘’- Huh.. that was hard ‘’ He mumbled. He then turned to see the hallucination of his seven year old self looking at him. A shaky smile crept upon his fleshy lips as he said;

‘’- We’re going. ‘’

_The child tilted his head, and faintheartedly asked if they were going to see their mother._

‘’- Yes ‘’ Izaya quickly said as he pulled out a needle, a bottle and a tourniquet from his stash. As he did so, the dreamlike atmosphere of the room changed into a more impalpable one. _‘ Maybe this is an epiloque for a new beginning’ He thought; ‘ Maybe somewhere else.. there is hope ‘_

 

He sat onto his bed, his child self next to him was swaying his legs back and forth, and his needles were next to him. He decided to wait until it was time for girls to be at their school.

 

 **8:54;** Izaya looked at the hallucination and the child nodded. Izaya tied the tourniquet to his arm.

The blood formed a miniature butterfly inside the needle when he pushed it in.

 _Haze first hit the back of his legs,_ Izaya laid down onto the bed. At the same time, his phone was ringing non-stop. He slowly lost the time and a tragic smile spread onto his lips. _‘ Maybe somewhere else, there won’t be butterflies.. ‘_

 

‘’- Ne.. would you..? ‘’ He started a sentence but was too weak to finish it. But the child understood.

 

 

The child started singing a lullaby, the phone kept on ringing, Izaya’s breathing started going slower.

_‘ Maybe somewhere else.. ‘_

* * *

 

 

 **8:54;** _This was the third time Shinra called Izaya_.

 

Shiki-san taught this to them; ‘’ One call means; ‘It’s not that important. Return when you’re free.’

Two calls means; ‘Would you open the phone, it might be important.’

_Three calls means; ‘Open the phone if you’re not dying.’ ‘’_

 

 _Open the phone if you’re not dying._ Kishtani Shinra’s eyes grew larger and breathing accelerated. He saw the phone Izaya gave to his sisters and picked it up from the couch. He dialed Izaya’s number.

 

 _‘He’s going to answer this. He should_.’

_‘He will, it’s his sisters calling.’_

_‘’- The person you’re calling is not available right now-‘’_

‘’- Celty! ‘’ Kishtani Shinra yelled like someone was taking the life out of him and dropped the phone to the floor. He ran for his medical bag as the dullahan came face to face with her lover and his limestone-white face. Shinra couldn’t read the message Celty typed since he was taking out some necessary equipment from the drawers. But he spoke; ‘’- We’re going to Izaya’s house. As fast as you can, alright? ‘’ Celty nodded and they ran out of the apartment. On their way, Shinra called Shizuo.

 

 _The child sang the last verse and it finished with an echoing last syllable._ The sound of the front door opening was the last thing Orihara Izaya heard before-

_he found himself in somewhere else.  Everything was orange in here. Like the sunset orange.. There were also baby blues dancing inside the orange. It felt like there wasn’t a ground beneath his feet. Izaya wondered where he was.._

 

‘’- No. ‘’ Kishtani Shinra’s face tilted and eyebrows clenched when he saw Izaya, lying on the dark-red sheets, _dying_. He ran to him and checked his pupils, and saw his blue-tinted lips. _‘No doubt-‘_ He immediately took out a naloxone needle, and without hesitation, injected to his friend’s barely breathing and cold body.

 

 

Shizuo was running. Heiwajima Shizuo didn’t care if he almost got hit by a truck, or a motorcycle. He ran, horror still in his ears;

_‘’- I called him four times, Shizuo! I am going to his house ‘’_

_’..His friend overdosed on heroin and my father prepared him for the burial. Izaya was there too-’_

_‘ I want to end it all ‘_

_‘If.. something happens to me, you’d look after my sisters, right? ’_

 

Heiwajima Shizuo was sure, he gave away some of his years from his life when he saw the person he love, on the the floor, with an underground doctor giving him CPR.

 

 

_Orange. There were words echoing inside the colours. Izaya’s brows clenched as he tried to hear better. Was someone calling his name? He looked around. He then saw his mother sitting under a pergola. His eyes sparkled like they’ve never been before and he ran to her; ‘’- Mother! ‘’_

 

‘’- No,no, no, no. You’re not dying on me, Izaya. You hear me? I am no God, but you’re not going to be the first patient I am losing- ‘’ Shinra re-took Izaya’s pulse. It was there, barely, but there. _‘ Why is this happening?’_ He then turned his head to see Shizuo, standing beside the door, looking absolutely terrified for the first time in his life.

‘ _We need to get him downstairs’_

‘’- Shizuo! Come here!- ‘’ Shinra yelled at him, but he knew he couldn’t move him. So he cursed and got to his feet. ‘’- Heiwajima Shizuo- ‘’ He slapped him with all the force he could get right now and clutched his bartender shirt; ‘’- I need your help. Move! ‘’

Shizuo looked at him, he saw him, he saw Izaya, but he couldn’t focus.

 

_‘ Look at you Heiwajima Shizuo, look, the person you love, you hurt him, just like everyone else, you hurt him…’_

_‘ Get out ‘_

_It was a good thing that his brain shut down and his instincts moved him towards the dying thing lying on the floor._

‘’- Yes- ‘’ Shinra breathed out as Shizuo dropped beside Izaya. ‘’- I already gave him naloxone. His skin colour got better but for some reason he’s still not breathing properly. We need to get him-‘’

‘’- I did this to him.. ‘’ Shizuo murmured as he touched Izaya’s cold fingers. He touched so faintly, like he might break them.  Shinra’s lips tightened, he didn’t had time for Shizuo’s breakdown that’s been waiting to come;

‘’- No. See that over there? That’s his needle. We’re taking him to my other clinic in Shinjuku. It’s ten minutes at most- ‘’ He took Izaya’s pulse again; ‘’- Celty is waiting outside. She made a vehicle with her shadows. Now- ‘’ Shinra put a hand on Shizuo’s shoulder and looked right into his eyes; ‘’- I need you to pick Izaya up, and carry him outside.‘’

Shizuo gave a numb nod and wiped his tears. ‘’- okay _.._ ’’ He took Izaya’s body on his arms. He wasn’t weightless, Shizuo felt everything about him right now, he heard his wheezing breath, his sharp bones dug into Shizuo’s arms, and he was everything but weightless.

 

_Not to mention to the weight he put on Shizuo’s shoulders.._

_‘ I did this to you, didn’t I ? ’_

_‘ I hurt you.. ‘_

_’ I didn’t see, Izaya.. ‘_

 

_Orange. His mother took Izaya’s head on her knees and caressed his hair. Ends of her dark brown hair tingled Izaya’s face as he smiled and watched the orange, faint pink and the blue scenery in front of him._

 

 _-'’ I feel so happy, mother ‘’ Izaya spoke. His mother leaned and kissed his raven hair._  
_-‘’ But you are not supposed to be here, Izaya. You know this, right? ‘’_  
_-‘’ Why? ‘’ Izaya wanted to cry, but the tears didn’t fall. So he closed his eyes and drifted in orange._  
_-‘’ Hear, people are calling for you ‘’ His mother pulled Izaya’s attention to the voices inside the orange._

 

_Izaya heard;_

 

_‘’- I didn’t know..  ‘’ It was the sun’s voice.. Who was the sun?_

_The ocean realised he couldn’t remember the sun._

_The ocean..?_

    -‘’ _It’s not the time yet.. Open your eyes and go back. I will be waiting for you.. ‘’ His mother spoke, her voice was angelic, bright orange._  
_-’' No.. I don’t want to.. I.. Did I do wrong? ‘’_  
_-‘’ Yes.. Izaya. You’re dying, my baby ‘’_

_Izaya opened his ruby-red eyes._

_‘Did I do wrong?_

_I am dying.._

_I am dying.._

_I don’t want to die.’_

_Izaya then realised he didn’t want to die._

 

‘’- Yes, Izaya. Open your eyes.. ‘’ Shizuo leaned and a trembling smile found itself on his lips when he saw Izaya’s deep-red eyes once again. They weren’t shiny, they never really shone anyway, but it was enough; ‘’- I am so sorry, Izaya. I didn’t know.. I didn’t know you were this.. tired..-‘’ Some of his tears dropped on his face as he caressed Izaya’s hair.

Shinra came back. Shizuo looked at him; ‘’- Do I have to wait outside? ‘’

The doctor nodded.

* * *

 

 

Absolutely exhausted, the underground doctor came back two hours later. ‘’- He’ll be fine ‘’ He muttered under his breath.

Shizuo immediately stood up to go into the room Izaya was in. Shinra didn’t stop him, he knew Shizuo needed that. He himself sat next to Celty and put his head on her shoulder without saying anything. Celty understood and she too, stayed silent.

 

Thirty minutes later, Shinra removed his glasses and put them onto his lap; ‘’- Ne- my dear Celty. I have things to tell you. ‘’

Celty wrote; ‘’- What is it? ‘’

Shinra fixed the creases on his white coat; ‘’- I don’t think I can say it outloud, would you give me your device? ‘’

‘’-Of course ‘’ Celty passed her writing device to the doctor.

 

Shinra wrote, Celty replied. The device was passed between them in turns;

 

 _‘’- I feel like I wasn’t ready, Celty. I almost lost my calm when Izaya’s breathing went slower. My father would manage this better- ‘’_ He wrote, then deleted the last sentence _‘’- I feel like, I am too young for  this..’’_

 

 _‘’- It’s okay-‘’_ Celty typed _‘’- One of you saw hell on earth, one of you is afraid of himself. And you threw yourself into the underground. You’re all too young, Shinra. This is the part you’re all missing. You will fall, and you will learn.’’_

 

Reading her sentence, a broken smile found itself on the doctor’s lips. _‘’- Izaya is the first true friend I’ve ever had, Celty. I have always been alone because I was weird. He means a lot to me, but he always refuses help..’’_

 

 _‘’- I know.. ‘’_ Celty wrote and passed the device to Shinra.

 

 _‘’- I know his mother left them and I know his father was a monster.. But who would refuse to escape from a devil who puts off cigarettes on his arm, and does all sorts of things to him.. I know he’s being blackmailed but what does he have this important that he’s putting up with a devil? ‘’_ Shinra wrote, even though the answer was obvious. But he needed to hear from Celty;

 

 _‘’- The only thing Izaya personally has is his job, Shinra. And I don’t think he had many things before that he could hold onto no matter what. He has his sisters, but it’s not the same thing- ‘’_ Shinra read the message and nodded.

 

 _-‘’What should I do? ‘’_ He typed and looked at his Celty with pleading eyes.  
_-'’ I think he will figure out himself… ‘’_ Shinra’s brows clenched slightly as he read the message.  
_-'’ You know I have a big trust in you my dear Celty, but I just saved him from an overdose. I don’t think-_

 

Celty put a hand on his wrist and stopped him. She didn’t need to write what she wanted to say, Shinra understood. ‘ _Trust me ‘_

On that, Shinra gave a breathy laugh ‘’- Alright ‘’ He finally spoke as he wiped his glasses and put them back on. He then read what Celty typed;

 

 _‘’- I think you should send Shizuo home, Shinra..’’_ Shinra nodded and turned his face to the door where a mountain of a man has been sobbing non-stop..

 

 

Little sparks of orange danced in front of his eyes when Izaya opened them to the sound of a man crying like he lost everything in the world. With a distressing struggle, he turned his head to see Ikebukuro’s strongest man, crying like he lost everything in the world. His big hands were hiding his face, his sturdy body was hunched on a crappy chair.

 

Shizuo felt something touching his hair and lifted his head to see Izaya’s tired eyes looking at him, and his extended wrist. He immediately touched to Izaya’s skinny fingers and brought them to his lips. He kissed them, and a smile settled on his narrow lips. _It was the worst kind of smile he had on his lips. The one smile that you do when you want to stop tears from falling._

‘’- I am sorry Izaya.. I am- ‘’

 

Some birds were chirping outside, Izaya’s heart was heavy. His lids too, so he closed his eyes once again.

Shizuo kissed the tip of Izaya’s fingers one more time, and then put them onto the wheeled bed he was lying on.

 

The door opened and Shinra came in. He quietly sat next to Shizuo and watched while Shizuo wiped his tears off with his trembling hands; ‘’- We.. we had an argument, Shinra.. I.. I didn’t think he’d do this..’’

Shinra gave a squeeze to his friend’s shoulder; ‘’- I don’t think he thought before doing it either- ‘’ He added; ‘’- Why don’t you go rest? It’s still early, you can come back in the evening ‘’

 

It took some time, but Shinra finally managed to convince Shizuo to go Izaya’s apartment and rest there. Celty was going to take the girls from school and was going to stay with them at their old apartment in Ikebukuro. And Shinra was going to stay with Izaya.

* * *

 

 

 

 _The debt collector_ walked to _the informant’s_ apartment, but he couldn’t help but to feel like an outlander once he was there. He looked at the slightly creased dark-red sheets, he saw the needle, he saw the bottle and decided to sleep on the couch instead. Walking back, the ajar door next to the bedroom took his attention. From the door, he looked at Izaya’s study room, he saw crumbled, burned, torn papers all over the rug, and one untouched white envelope on the desk inviting him inside.

 

He took the envelope, ‘ Shizu-chan ‘ was written on it. A little hesitation was in him as he opened the envelope and took out a well written letter; _Izaya always wrote neatly_. He sat on the chair and read it;

_Hello Shizu-chan;_

_I have been trying to write something cliche, something like ‘ I will be gone while you’re reading this ‘ , something like you see in the films but I know you’re not going to let me go._

_I know I will be chasing you in your dreams, and I will become your nightmares eventually. I know you will blame yourself; Because that’s just how you’re like, Shizu-chan. If there’s an earthquake somewhere, you’d go and blame yourself. But I will not waste my time saying that this is not your fault. You will get there in couple of years._

_So I want to thank you instead;_

_Our first night, you took my used and dirty body like it was the most beautiful thing on earth. You kissed my weak bones, and they stopped aching._

_Thank you for loving this stained body, it feels so beautiful to be loved, Shizu-chan. Sorry I couldn’t give the same feeling back to you._

_I have always had this fear that if I let myself to be happy, I would lose the thing I love. That’s why I couldn’t tell you those three words that you wanted to hear._

_I love you, Shizu-chan. Such a shame, you could love someone else and I could just watch from the background; It’d be better._

_Ah.. I am just pitying myself.. I should throw some insults here; Stupid protozoan!_

_I am tired, Shizuo. There really isn’t any other word for it._

_I am sorry._

Izaya saw through Shizuo like he was a bullet, and Shizuo couldn’t even see how broken he was that he couldn’t even look at a god-damn mirror. The thought suffocated Shizuo, the letter crinkled inside his shaking fist, and he left the house quickly. He walked until he found himself in Ikebukuro, in front of a liquor store.

He bought various types of alcohol, maybe spent the half of his salary, but who cares? He needed to forget.

He went to his own apartment, he drank. He drank until he couldn’t really think.  He drank until he couldn’t care about his ringing phone. He drank until he forgot the name that made him drink.

He drank until he forgot how much of a monster he felt like.

The next day, day after that, day after that, he drank. He didn’t reply to any calls, he didn’t open the door when the bell rang.

He drank.

* * *

 

 

**A week later;**

 

     -‘’… I went to his apartment too, he’s there but doesn’t reply. You see, I can give him time off, but I have to give my boss a reason..’’ Tom spoke.  
     -‘’ I understand your concern, Tom-san. I will be visiting him today. And all your financial loss will be compensated by me.. ‘’

 

After the phone call, Izaya looked at Shinra, who was looking at him with his puppy eyes that he never dropped for the past week.

‘’- I think it’s my time to leave ‘’ Izaya smiled.

The underground doctor gave a shrug, his hands at his sides; ‘’- I kept you alive, I don’t know what to do next, Izaya. ‘’

On that, Izaya hopped from the bed he was sitting on and hugged his eccentric friend; ‘’- Thank you, Shinra’’

 

‘’- You’re important, Izaya ‘’

 

With that, Izaya took a taxi to Shizuo’s apartment.

 

 

Ch 6.4: One More Hit to the Sorrow

 

The informant didn’t bother to ring the bell, he simply took out a bob pin and his credit card, and unlocked the door after a fifteen minute struggle.

_‘ I couldn’t see..‘_

_‘ You’re a monster Shizuo ‘_

_‘ A monster, always the same thing ha? ‘_

Heiwajima Shizuo felt like he heard something, but he was too drunk to care. So he closed his eyes and continued on sleeping.

 

 _Heavy smell of liquor in this airless apartment was familiar to Izaya_. He skipped past the long sake bottles, small beer cans, and some cheap wine. They all made a road to his _lion’s_ bedroom. The door was open, he stepped in and saw Shizuo sleeping; His bartender suit was lying on the floor and he was wearing an old t-shirt and pajamas. Izaya smelled his cologne and sake on the bedsheets when he laid next to him and touched his cheek; ‘’- Shizu-chan ‘’ He called his name.

 

_‘ Get out ‘_

_‘ Just like you hurt everyone, you hurt him mons-‘_

_‘ Shizu-chan ‘_

‘’- Ohayo ‘’ Izaya whispered when he saw a pair of drowsy amber eyes. Shizuo looked at Izaya;

     -‘’ I told you not to come, Izaya ‘’ His voice was hoarse.  
     -‘’ Hm.. Is that so.. So I came here before? ‘’ Without seperating his eyes from him, Izaya caressed Shizuo’s –now greasy- blond hair.  
     -‘’ Yes.. I..- ‘’ Shizuo hardly felt the familiar hand traveling inside his hair; ‘’- Are you..-‘’ His brows clenched and eyes narrowed to focus; _‘’- Are you real, Izaya? ‘’_

Izaya’s hand stopped. He looked at him for a second, then hugged him, ignoring the heavy smell of alcohol on him. _He was used to it_ ; ‘’- I am sorry Shizu-chan ‘’

He was.

He was real.

Shizuo’s strong arms wrapped Izaya’s shoulder blades; ‘’- I.. Do you know how much I got scared, Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo sniffed and buried his face to Izaya’s chest; ‘’- How much.. You.. You came to my dreams Izaya. Two times you died in my arms, four times I went to your funeral-‘’

‘’ ssh.. _ssh_.. I am right here Shizu-chan-‘’ Izaya put a little kiss on top of his hair and unwrapped his arms from him; ‘’- Now.. Let’s get you to the shower ‘’ He pulled Shizuo with all his strenght.

‘’- Izaya you don’t need t-‘’ Shizuo supported himself on the bed with his one hand. The room was still spinning but it was managable. Izaya still clung onto his arm while Shizuo made his way to the bathroom. While he was in shower, Izaya was collecting the bottles into a blue garbage bag. Shizuo heard the bottles clanking;

 

    -‘’ You don’t need to do this, Izaya ‘’ Shizuo spoke from the bathroom but the apartment was small, Izaya heard him.  
    -‘’ I am used to it. ‘’ Was his answer, Shizuo stayed silent on that.

 

 

Once the room was relatively clean and getting decent air and light, Izaya sat onto the couch. Shizuo  joined him couple of minutes later.

He looked at Izaya while his hair was still dripping water onto the couch; ‘’- You look good. ‘’

 

His attention went to Izaya’s white teeth when he smiled to him;‘’- Shinra and Celty stuffed me with broccoli and all those vegetables.. I hate some of those..’’

‘’- I see..’’ Shizuo mumbled and dried his hair with a towel.  He then asked; ‘’- So what now? ‘’

 

On his question, Izaya energetically sat up; ‘’- We’re going to my apartment-‘’

    -‘’ Why? ‘’  
    -‘’ Because I don’t want to be alone- ‘’ Izaya walked inside the room; ‘’-Besides, you owe me. I saved your job you know..’’

_Oh.. That._

 

    -‘’ Ne- Shizu-chan ‘’ Izaya stood behind the couch and wrapped his arms to Shizuo’s broad shoulders.  
    -‘’ Hm? ‘’ Shizuo reached for his cigarette and lit it.  
    -‘’ Bring your hair dye too- ‘’ He poked Shizuo’s hair; ‘’- I can see your brown hair sticking out. ‘’

 

On that, Shizuo laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Which part of this chapter affected you the most? Which part you liked the best?  
> Do you have any questions or blank parts that you feel like you need a fill in? You can ask in the comments:3
> 
> So.. I feel like I am going to lose readers because of the emotional heaviness of this chapter.. But I like this chapter, it is deep.


	7. Nine Thousand Steps to Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU SMELL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THE AIR (sorry the author is sleep deprived) 
> 
> The detailing in this chapter is insane. I don't even know what to say.. Um.. I think this is the chapter where I will need feedback. Good or bad. 
> 
> Well.. this chapter is the end of the second arc, and we'll start the third arc in the next chapter. And I will start driving the story to an end.. 
> 
> I am soooo happy with your comments that you posted in the last chapter. I thought that chapter was going to be the hardest chapter and thought that writing was going to take long. It didn't. But instead, this is the hardest chapter I've ever written, thus the lateness of the update :u  
> I put the telling aside and 'showed' in this chapter, using the mentality of '' actions speak louder than words'' we'll see how that went..  
> There were also parallels between the seventh and tenth chapters of House of the Rising Sun, and the second chapter of You're the Deepest Ocean in this chapter. ( I can't wait to read this story in whole because every fraction comes together like a puzzle. )
> 
> A song for the Ch 7.2; Crystal Fighters- Xtatic Truth ( cuz this was playing while I was writing that part, in my coffee fueled nights)

 

Ch 7 : A Silent Moon Falls

 

There was a child on the phone. A child who was lowering his voice to a whisper, like he has done something wrong. Like he was scared.

     -‘’ Sh- Shiki-san..’’

Haruya Shiki knew who that voice belonged to.

     -‘’ H- Help me.. Please. Th… They’re coming.. They’re coming for me. ‘’

Shiki’s eyes met with man the sitting in front of him. He then talked calmly.

     -‘’ Tell me where you are, Izaya. ‘’

* * *

 

 

**2 Weeks Ago.**

 

 **‘’-** Ah.. Miyano-san. Seems like the work in Hamburg turned against you. But I am sure we can adjust something for the right price…’’  Izaya swirled on his chair and grinned evilly. ‘’- Yes of course! ‘’ He then added loudly, making Shizuo turn and look at him.

 

With a phone sticked to his ear, Izaya’s been skipping all around the penthouse and Shizuo has been watching –observing- him from the couch. Sometimes Izaya would draw near him, he’d ruffle Shizuo’s hair or snatch a kiss; He then would continue on talking with whoever was on the phone. Shizuo wasn’t sure if he should be relieved to see Izaya getting his shit together, or worried that he was acting… _manic_.

 

It was the third day of his staying with Izaya, Shizuo decided to talk about it when Izaya sat next to him and put an  _huge_ bowl of popcorn in front of them.

Only if he knew _how;_

 _-‘’_  You don’t act like someone who tried to die a few weeks ago.. ‘’

There was worry under his expression. And a slight frustration. Izaya saw it all like he usually did, but even so, shrugged and turned to look at him;

     -‘’ Ne.. Shizu-chan.. Aren’t you over that already?- ‘’ He raised his one hand up; ‘’- Besides, do you want me to get all depressed and sad instead? ‘’  
     -‘’ No.. I mean..- ‘’ Shizuo gave an harsh exhale and reached for the popcorn; ‘’- You almost died in my arms, Izaya. It’s kind of.. hard. ‘’

 

It was night, the girls were sleeping, and the only source of light in the room was the TV. Izaya also took some popcorn and watched as Shizuo fixed his gaze to the stupid show on the TV with his furrowed brows and stuffed his mouth with popcorn.

He wasn’t over it.

 

Izaya licked his lips before snuggling to Shizuo and putting little kisses on his cheek. He then softly bit his earlobe and chuckled when Shizuo smiled angrily.

     -‘’ What are you doing? ‘’ Shizuo asked as he continued on staring at the TV.  
     -‘’ I am seducing you ‘’ Izaya threw his one leg to the other side and closed Shizuo’s view of the TV by sitting onto his lap like a cat. He then whispered into his ear;  ‘’- Ne.. Have I explained to you why I prefer Schophenhauer over Hegel?  ‘’

 

Having his defense broken with the other’s so called ‘ _seduction_ ’, Shizuo turned his face and huffed a laugh; ‘’- Yeah.. For one and a half hour if I remember correctly-‘’  He then looked at Izaya, unable to hide the love inside his eyes; ‘’- Are you trying to seduce me with philosophy? ‘’

 

Izaya kissed Shizuo, his lips were warm as always, and turned back to his place on the couch. Atmosphere of the room changed a bit when Izaya glanced hesitantly at Shizuo, then dropped his head;

 

     -‘’ I’m.. I’m not going to go to _him_ . If he.. wants me..- ‘’ He then added, eyes trailing the shadows on the rug; ‘’- Even if he has the video.. ‘’ Izaya gulped dryly and put his hands onto his knees.

 

Shizuo looked at him, a bit surprised; ‘’- Are you sur-‘’

‘’- Yeah.. ‘’ Izaya gave a little nod and thanked the darkness for hiding his expression. Because he wasn’t. _He couldn’t be._

 

He bit his lip and faked a smile; ‘’- I can.. always do something else..’’

 

Seeing him this sad and hopeless broke Shizuo’s heart, he leaned and kissed the small thing long and tender.

 

      -‘’ What are you doing? ‘’ Izaya asked when Shizuo laid him down onto the couch and smiled to him; giving a perfect view of the dimple on his cheek.  
      -‘’ I am loving you ‘’

 

Izaya let Shizuo love him and tickle his neck with his hair. They kissed for some time before Izaya stopped him with a little touch to his shoulder;

‘’- The girls are here Shizu-chan. We can’t do it tonight..’’

Shizuo mumbled a ‘yeah’ and sat up. Catching his breath, he reached for the huge bowl of popcorn and took the remote; ‘’- What’s on the tv? ‘’

‘’- I don’t know. ‘’

 

Then they spent the night watching a cheap movie and eating popcorn.

* * *

 

 

 

The next week, Shizuo returned to work, but continued staying with Izaya.

 

For some reason that he didn’t want to tell, Izaya seemed to think nothing about his attempted suicide, or _dying_ in general.

 _‘’- I’m just going to do what I love Shizu-chan.. Until I can’t. ‘’_ This was what he told Shizuo.

 

It was after work, Shizuo was resting on the couch, the girls were studying with their books scattered all around the coffee table. Izaya was running around the place with a phone on his ear, and two folders on his arms; ‘’- I suppose I can find that.. Yes.. ‘’

 

Izaya was talking to Ryozou Obi on the phone, he then stopped to check on the girl’s homeworks. His free hand went to rub his eyes as he excused himself from the phone for a second.

‘’- No.. Kururi, you’re writing it from the wrong order. Baby why are you starting from the opposite side? ‘’ He then looked at Mairu’s writing; ‘’- Mairu, teach your sister the kanji. ‘’

Mairu lifted her face and looked at him; ‘’- But I was almost done nii-san.. ‘’ She pouted.

Izaya stopped. He looked at Mairu for a second, then returned to the phone. ‘’- Yes.. I found your documents. I will be scanning them tomorrow Ryozou-san. Always great to work with you. ‘’ He ended the call and walked towards the girls.

 

Shizuo looked at him as Izaya sat in between the girls and took their pencils with a quick move. He then caressed their hair; ‘’- Mairu, Kururi. Always help each other, okay? Because you will always need someone- ‘’ Shizuo catched the glance Izaya gave him. ‘’- It’s good that you have each other, you understand? ‘’

 

The girls nodded. Izaya started checking their homeworks and asked;

     -‘’ Now.. Why don’t you want to help your sister, Mairu? ‘’  
     -‘’ I.. I wanted to go and watch anime.. ‘’ Mairu dropped her face, Izaya smiled at her and lifted her face up with her pencil in his hand;  
     -‘’ But it’s no fun when you’re by yourself. Look- ‘’ Izaya tucked a lock of hair behind Kururi’s ear and made both of them look at him;

 

‘’- If one of you falls, the other will pick her up. I raised you like this. I raised you, so that you will always have each other. You understand Mairu, Kururi? ‘’ He took their hands and joined them.

 

The girls complied and Mairu held her sister’s hand; ‘’- I understand nii-san. I will be strong and help her. ‘’ Kururi also nodded shyly; ‘’-..understand..’’

 

 ‘’- Good. ‘’ Izaya stood up and sneaked Shizuo’s cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. He then touched to his shoulder before turning to the direction of the balcony.

 

Shizuo understood the signal and followed him to the balcony. There, they lit up cigarettes as they leaned to the metal railing;

 

      -‘’ So.. when’s Shiki-san returning? ‘’ Shizuo started a conversation as Izaya dragged an ashtray from the corner.  
      -‘’ He said he might stay for an another week or two ‘’ Izaya answered and pulled away the hair falling onto his face.  
      -‘’ So you’re not going to him when-‘’  
      -‘’ When he’s back?- ‘’ Izaya cut him and tapped off the ash from his cigarette; ‘’- No. I am not going to my.. _blackmailer_ if he calls or asks for me. But I am not going to Shiki-san either. He has better things to do than dealing with my stupidity’’

 

On that, Shizuo inhaled a long drag from his cigarette. All of a sudden, it didn’t taste good. So he crushed it into the ashtray and joined his arms on the railing; ‘’- You know what, I don’t understand you, Izaya. ‘’ Izaya looked at him, Shizuo continued; ‘’- You tell your sisters to help each other but you’re refusing to go to your own father for help. ‘’

 

‘’- It’s not the same thing. I had no one, Shizu-chan, I grow up like that. But my sisters had me, I never left them alone.. They need to learn that they have each other too- ‘’ Izaya answered, then escaped his eyes and inhaled a trace of smoke. He exhaled it as he added; ‘’- I never left them alone.. Except..for those nights.. when I went to clients..’’

 

Shizuo sighed and stayed silent. _Why convincing him was so hard?_

‘’- Ne, Shizu-chan..-’’ Hearing his name, Shizuo looked at him, but Izaya was looking at the railing. His hand was gripping it, his knuckles white;

 

‘’ -How.. How I am going to tell them, one day.. That their onii-chan was a prostitute?- ‘’ He hesitantly turned his eyes to Shizuo like he was ashamed of looking at him; ‘’- That.. while they were sleeping, their brother was laying under men.. opening his legs for them.. ‘’ His voice trailed off then, words brought cold nights and shivers.

Shizuo dropped his eyes to the cigarette Izaya harshly put off after his sentence. _One last line of red sparked, and death._ Shizuo answered; ‘’-  You’re going to tell them. Your face high, and strong like you were minutes ago while talking to them- ‘’ The ring on Izaya’s thumb made a ‘cling’ sound on the railing when Shizuo held his hand; ‘’- Because you did nothing wrong, Izaya. ‘’

‘’- I.. I don’t know if it was wrong or not.. But it was disgusting- ‘’ _How could one’s warmth on his hand reach to his heart? ‘’-_ But I lived. I lived Shizu-chan. Disgustingly, primitively..’’ He huffed a laugh for himself. Shizuo’s brows clenched at his words;

 

‘’- Why do you think so little of yourself, Izaya? You’re the strongest person I’ve ever seen.. But.. It’s not like you’re God- ‘’ He released Izaya’s hand and opened his palms to the sky. He then lowered them and shrugged; ‘’- You’re human. And.. humans live primitively. We just.. _live_ no matter what. ‘’

 

Saturated orange and the light red of the sinking sky reflected into Izaya’s eyes when he gave a dreamy sigh and talked; ‘’- Ah.. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if I was a God, Shizu-chan? ‘’

Shizuo gave an half smile and reached for a cigarette; ‘’- Nah.. you’d just kill people and go ‘yeah, I fucked up.. _again_. ‘’

Izaya extended the lighter to him; ‘’- Do you think God does that? ‘’

‘’- What does he do then? ‘’ Shizuo mumbled without taking the cigarette out of his mouth. He then brought the lighter to his lips and Izaya watched the flame shake in the soft wind.

 

      -‘’ Oh you’re sooo going to hell ‘’ Izaya rolled his eyes and walked towards the chair behind them.  
      -‘’ Yeah I am going to follow _you_ there ‘’ Shizuo replied as he watched the setting sun.  
      -‘’ I am thriving for the throne, Shizu-chan.. Be careful ‘’

 

This was a side of Shizuo that Izaya has never seen before. ‘ _So that’s what Shizu-chan thinks about God. He thinks him as.. cruel. Interesting..‘_ Izaya thought as he looked at the man watching the sky..

 

 

 

7.1: Nine Thousand Steps to Heaven

 

 Two weeks passed without getting any calls or messages from Alexei. Izaya focused on his work, ignored the questions inside his head, turned his head away when he saw a yellow butterfly on the counter, and stayed silent when a familiar child decided to visit him at night..

 

 It was the fourteenth night he woke up to a fatique all around his bones. He reached for the glass of water next to him and his brows clenched when he felt his throat hurting . He drank the liquid; _‘ I must be getting sick’_ He thought as his eyes caught his phone; Illuminating the room into a dimmed light, and notifying him of a received message.

 

He put the glass down and read the message;

 ‘-  Come tonight. For one last time – _Alexei_ ’

 

 

‘ _Wh..what?_ ‘

* * *

 

 

**At The Same Minutes, Alexei Kovalev’s House;**

 

After he sent the message, Alexei Kovalev put the phone down and walked towards his closet. He took out two suits from it, then stood in front of the gold engraved mirror;

     -‘’ Which one? ‘’

_Andrei replied; ‘’- You know I love black on you. ‘’_

 

Alexei nodded and began dressing; Andrei was gone.

He then sat by the fireplace and prepared a sedative needle..

* * *

 

 

**Back in Izaya’s apartment;**

 

_Was this the phone’s light making him dizzy or was the dark room turning all around him?_

_‘For one last time’; What does that mean?_   Izaya looked at Shizuo’s sleeping form next to him, and a mountain of guilt piled onto his heart.

 

_You’re walking on a straight road, dear reader, it has nothing on it. Then your feet gets stuck or hits to something on the road. You would immediately turn to see what that was just hurt you._

_Because knowing, is more important than the pain itself sometimes._

Izaya slipped out from the bed, took his clothes, and wore them in the next room. He thought about getting a cold medicine before leaving the house, but decided otherwise as it would make noise.

 

Izaya was used to silently leaving the house. And he did that..

* * *

 

  

‘’- Where are we going sir? ‘’ The taxi driver asked, Izaya gave the address of the gas station. He then nervously stared outside and watched the neon lights diminish one by one until the vehicle stopped. He started walking into the woods.

 

 _The moon needed a fix,_ it was too bright, everything seemed to go slower under it’s light. It was too white. _‘ I really should have taken that medicine ‘_ Izaya thought as the fresh air filled up his lungs and aggravated the static throbbing in his head.

 

He walked up to the house, as he was stepping in, an owl’s voice creeped into his ears. Izaya felt the goosebumps all around his arms; ‘ _This is no good.._ ‘ He silently thought and stepped in.

 

Alexei was sitting on the velvet armchair in front of the fireplace. He didn’t seemed to be aware of Izaya, which made the young one’s eyebrows clench. He then saw the used needle standing on the coffee table, his lips parted, but he didn’t ask what was in the needle.

 

     -‘’ What did you mean by one last time? ‘’ Izaya asked and watched a pair of desensitized blue eyes turn to him. He repeated; ‘’- What did you mean? Are you letting me go? ‘’  
     -‘’ Yes. ‘’ Alexei simply replied and gave his attention back to the fireplace.

 

Izaya brought his hand to his forehead and tried to put pressure onto the throbbing in his head. He then breathed in and out and asked; ‘’- Why? ‘’

‘’- Does it matter? ‘’ The Russian informant replied.

 

‘’- Yes! ‘’ Izaya felt the heat surrounding him, suffocating him, so he took his jacket off. It fell onto the floor, imitating a feather. Izaya pointed his finger to the man sitting across him; ‘’- Every inch of my body, you have your mark, Alexei. Thirty years later from now, I will look at myself in the mirror, and I’ll see _you_. Not myself. _Because you stole me_. I have a right to know.. I.. I don’t underst-‘’

 

Alexei’s piercing blue eyes turned to him and Izaya instantly stopped. His eyes then followed the two CD’s Alexei took out from his jacket and threw it onto the table; In dissonance, they crashed into the needle and dropped onto the wood. Izaya was dumbfounded, his hand first, instinctively went for his switchblade, then he remembered that it was on his jacket. So he took a step ahead instead and took the CD’s;

 

     -‘’ Are these the only copies? ‘’ He asked.  
     -‘’ Yes. ‘’

 

Izaya didn’t believe him, but also was experienced enough to know that he didn’t had any chance of bargain in this situation. Something was boiling inside his chest, maybe on his skin, he needed get out. He sat on his one knee and tucked the CD’s into his jacket, and eyed at Alexei;

 

‘’- For one last time ha.. ‘’ He muttered under his breath and started taking his clothes off. ‘’- For one last time…’’ Alexei didn’t look at him. Izaya wore the white silk robe standing on the mauve bedsheets, _he knew who this was belonged to_. He then sat onto the bed and waited.

 

As Izaya was waiting, Alexei brought his hand onto his chest and became aware of his heartbeats for some time _. A cracking sound was merging into the white snow and the ice was burning his cheek.  Alexei was remembering the tortures his father put him into_ , he then let his hand slide back to the velvet and spoke;

  

     -‘’ Do you remember our conversation on Nietzche? Years ago, when you first came to me. ‘’

 

Izaya did remember; ‘’ _…_ _He argued that the Christianity’s purpose was to domesticate the heart of the man and he also said that it was a wrong thing to do. He thought that a wild animal had some kind of a ‘splendor’ of the soul, a magnificence perhaps, and when it’s domesticated he.. I mean it, loses that magnificence… ‘_ ’

 

     -‘’ Yes.. But why does it matter now? Do you think I lost the ‘splendor’ in my soul? My so called ‘magnificence’ ? ‘’ Izaya answered and suddenly became aware of the smell of shaving cream coming from the bathroom. ‘ _He must have shaved recently.. very recently.. ‘_ Still, he picked his attention back and listened to Alexei when he spoke;  
    -‘’No. You never cease to amaze me, Izaya. ‘’  
    -‘’ Then why are you letting me go? ‘’ Izaya pushed, it wasn’t because he had developed some kind of a cliche Stockholm sydrome _. It was the need for knowing_. He needed to know.

 

Alexei slowly turned his head to look at him; His unkempt hair was making an untuned contrast to the black suit he was wearing, but Izaya was too feverish to notice. _He also failed to see the guilt that sparkled for a second before Alexei’s eyes left him._

 

     -‘’ I heard you failed at a suicide recently.. ‘’ Alexei changed the subject as he fixed his gaze to the poker of the fireplace.  
     -‘’ Y- Yes..? ‘’  
     -‘’ I see..- ‘’ Alexei mumbled _as the cracking sound mixed into the blood and snow;_ ‘’- I see..’’

 

Izaya tensed and his eyes cautiously strayed on the mumbling man. He was now speaking in Russian, but for some reason Izaya didn’t – _couldn’t-_ understand. He wiped off the sweat on his forehead and wondered why he was trembling..

 

Alexei Kovalev murmured a prayer in Russian and listened to the smoke-gray memories mixing into the crunchy sounds of the fireplace;

 

_‘ Do it. ‘_

_‘ Do it Alexei. Come on, shoot the bird. Shoot it. ‘  Fourteen year old Alexei Kovalev felt the hand on his shoulders. He took aim at the green tree instead of the bird. But his father corrected his aim…_

_' I  shoot it Andrei.. I didn’t mean to, I.. only my father wanted.. I didn’t wanted to.. ‘ Andrei first looked at the little bird inside Alexei’s palms, then looked at Alexei himself. ‘ It’s okay. Let’s bury it. ‘_

_‘ Be a man Alexei Ivanovich. Be a man and get up, face your father! ‘_

_Sixteen year old Alexei Kovalev felt the ice cutting his cheek as he laid on the bloodstained snow; ‘ I am so tired papa…’_

_‘ You need to get stronger Alexei.. ‘_

The prayer ended. Alexei took a deep breath; ‘’- Andrei died because he was weak, Izaya..- ‘’ When he heard the sound of a tall metal screeching on the granite, Izaya’s hand impulsively stretched to the pillow on his back. His leg muscles tightened, his breathing accelerated when Alexei stood up with-

 

‘’- I don’t want it to happen to you too. _You need to get stronger, Izaya_.. ‘’ Alexei stood up with the fierce poker in his hand and looked at him. Izaya took out the knife he’s been hiding behind the pillow, he took it minutes ago while he was putting the CD’s into his jacket. He wanted to point it at him but for some reason, his muscles weren’t obeying to him, they weren’t moving.. They weren’t..

 

‘’- No.. ‘’ Izaya hissed as Alexei started walking towards him. ‘’- _No.._ ‘’ He went back on the bed, but his shoulders were already sticked to the metal bedposts ‘’- Don’t come..’’ He pointed his knife to him, he wanted to scream but his voice seemed to be stuck in his throat.

 

But Alexei continued on walking towards him, his eyes dead as a nightmare. ‘’ -Stop! ‘’ Izaya finally screamed and made a move towards Alexei, the other catched Izaya by the shoulder. Izaya slashed Alexei’s hand that was holding the poker, the metal dropped onto the bedsheets, and instantly made a burned ground there. But Alexei was quick enough pin him onto the bed; A pained yelp echoed inside the walls when Izaya’s right arm touched to the poker. He trashed inside of a cage of two arms until he finally kicked Alexei and thrusted his knife into one of his arms. Alexei only gave a little noise as Izaya changed their positions. Everything turned into red.

 

Everything started to bleed into red. Everything started to bleed; ‘’- Alexei! ‘’ Izaya roared in between tears and took the poker-

 

 

 _Everything would feel like a war area when you were with Alexei, you would feel the blood in your nails and you would scream wildly for triumph._  

 

 _the primal instinct of fear and self-preservation_.

 

 

Izaya thrusted the iron right into Alexei’s heart.

 

 

 

_Alexei smiled and looked at his Andrei sitting right beside him. Just as he promised, he was there when his time came;_

 

 _-‘’ Are you ready? ‘’ Andrei asked as his hand traveled on the other’s black hair._  
_\- '' No. ‘’_  
_-'’ Are you scared? ‘’_  
_-‘’ Yes. ‘’ Tears slid down from his cheeks._

 

_That was it. There weren’t any lies anymore. No one needed to be stronger. No one needed to hide how afraid they were._

 

_Andrei extended his arm and took Alexei’s hand;_

_-‘’ Let’s go. ‘’_

_Alexei let him, Andrei took him._

 

 

Izaya could not miss the little smile on his lips as his ice blue eyes-

 

Alexei was dead.

 

-closed forever

 

 

 

Ch 7.2:  The Yellow Butterfly

 

Something jolted into his spine and Izaya unwrapped his hands from the poker. His fingers brushed the mauve sheets and left red raindrops on them before he found himself on the floor, fallen right onto his bum.

_A yellow butterfly started flying above the bed, in circles._

‘’- No! ‘’

Izaya’s breath stuck into his throat as his body threw himself back, then the minuscule fragment of his leftover sanity forced him to crawl towards his jacket. With trembling lips and violently shaking hands, he struggled to take his phone off of his jacket, he took it then dropped it, then managed to open the screenlock _as a second butterfly joined into the room.._

 

Izaya’s back hit the wall _,  the butterfly flew towards him, to pierce through his heart, to punish him, to hurt him-_ ‘’- No.. Please..’’ Izaya pulled his legs to himself. He wiped off his tears and they fell onto the bright screen of the phone as he found the number.

 

Izaya called his foster father.

* * *

 

 

 Haruya Shiki’s phone rang, and his brows clenched slightly. He looked at the man sitting in front of him;

 ''- It’s Izaya. ‘’ He said and opened the phone.

 

   -‘’ Sh- Shiki-san..’’

 

Haruya Shiki knew what that voice reflected. _It was the voice his men used when they fucked up._ He closed his eyes with a sigh and his hand traveled to rub them. The other man also seemed to understand.

 

   -‘’ H- Help me.. Please. Th… They’re coming.. They’re coming for me. ‘’

 

Shiki’s eyes met with the man sitting in front of him. He then talked calmly;

‘’- Tell me where you are, Izaya. ‘’ After that, he listened to his informant lower his voice to a whisper like he has done something wrong, like he was never this frightened before, _like he was a child_ , and stutter an address to him.

 

Shiki didn’t need to write the address down; ‘’- Okay.. Don’t close the ph-‘’

The line went silent.

 

‘-fuck..’ Shiki cursed under his breath, even though he hated cursing in front of his seniors;

 

‘’- Seems like you were right, Li-san- ‘’ Shiki closed the documents in front of him and both men stood up;

 ‘’- Our boy is in trouble.. ‘’

 

* * *

 

 

**Approximately The Same Minutes,  At Izaya’s Apartment;**

‘’- Why are you doing this to me, Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo talked to himself as he called Izaya for the fourth time since he woke up alone in the bed. He almost crushed his phone when he heard the robotic voice of; _‘The person you’re calling is not available right now, please try again later.. ‘_ once again. He then ran his hand through his hair and thought of what to do.

Shinra. No.. The number Shinra gave him.

Shizuo took out a little notebook from his pocket and found Shiki’s number that he – _rather forcefully_ \- took from Shinra a week ago.  He dialed it;

* * *

  

Li made a mental note to not to get into Haruya Shiki’s car while he was angry. And now, he was speaking to the phone;

 

 **-‘’** Yes? ‘’ Shiki didn’t look at the number and practically spat out the ‘yes’. The following voice made him narrow his eyes and raise his chin up;  
**-‘’** I can’t find Izaya.. Shiki-san.. I-‘’  
**-‘’** You knew Izaya’s ex-customer was in the area don’t you, Heiwajima? ‘’ Shiki cut him and asked.

 

Shizuo stopped right where he was; ‘’- Wh.. When did you learn? ‘’

 

    -‘’ Tonight! ‘’ Shiki harshly turned from an intersection –almost hit to a streetlight- and Li crossed himself. He could recite a Buddhist prayer too but it would take long and if he were to die right now, one of the Gods would take him, right? Shiki looked at the Chinese boss next to him then slowed down a little; ‘’- Look, I don’t know what is happening yet, but I will give you an address. Come there. ‘’ Shiki gave Shizuo the address they were going, then ended the call.

 

Now more relaxed, Li gave a shrug and opened his hands to his sides; ‘’- What can you say.. kids nowadays.. ‘’

 

‘’- Yeah, kids nowadays.. are stupid, Li-san..- ‘’ Shiki muttered under his breath and took the last turn.

* * *

 

_‘ Do you remember? ‘_

_‘ Do you remember that day? ‘_

_‘ Do you remember? ‘_

Izaya was staring at his palms when he heard _the child_ asking the same question over and over. His voice was deeper, it echoed within Izaya’s brain. When Izaya lifted his head to look at him, he saw that he was in black-and-white.. There was a little smile on his lips, _he walked towards Izaya and asked again_ ; _‘ Do you remember? ‘_

 

‘’- I don’t want to remember ‘’ Izaya lowered his palms, then put them to the wall _when he saw butterflies landing onto the floor, one by one, they piled up like ants around the child._ Izaya’s toes curled, his body ready to run at any second; ‘’- I don’t want to remember ‘’ He repeated, his breath bursting in and out. _‘ Maybe the worst kind of death is death by going insane ‘ He thought as the child started singing a familiar lullaby to him ‘ Like someone else died, not you ‘_

 

Izaya’s body was burning, he was so scared that he didn’t see the carnivorous scene in front of him and ran towards the bed. He took something out from Alexei’s suit’s pocket, _he knew it was there._

 

When he turned his back and sat on the bed, Izaya was greeted by a parade of yellow butterflies, fluttering their wings and adding themselves to the symphony inside Izaya’s head.

 

With shaking hands, and a now played out being, Izaya brought Alexei’s gun towards his head.

 

The child stopped, along with the butterflies. He then forced his incriminating eyes towards Izaya, they shone in red, with disgust, in pain;

_‘ She died because of you-‘_

_‘’- No!-‘’ Izaya yelled, ‘’- No.. no .. I .. I couldn’t find her in time.. I.. ‘_

_‘ She died alone-‘_

 

_‘’- I couldn’t find her.. How could I? ‘’ Izaya was sobbing against his hallucination now ‘’- How was I supposed to? ‘’ The metal of the gun was cold against his skull, just like the cold sweat he was draining in.._

* * *

 

 

Shiki opened the door of the house in the woods, and only for a fraction of a second, for a second that only he was going to know, he paused.  Li didn’t.

 

‘ _Ah, Izaya.._ ’ Li’s brown eyes reflected pain as he walked towards the boy who was sitting with a gun aimed to his head. He ignored the horrendous corpse lying on the same bed, and kneed in front of Izaya. He put his hand onto Izaya’s hand that was holding the trigger, and spoke calmly;

 

‘’ – Hello, Izaya..’’

 

_' Do you remember Izaya-‘_

_‘ Look Izaya! The butterflies, don’t you see them? They are everywhere!-‘_

_‘ You didn’t save her-’_

 

‘’- Why don’t you give me the gun, Izaya..’’ Li touched Izaya’s cheek with his other hand, and gained a two _once bright_ red eyes turning to him;

 

‘’- L.. Li-san? ‘’ Izaya sttutered in between his erratic breathing. Li nodded;

 

‘’- Yes.. I am here Izaya. Sorry I was late.. ‘’ Li steadied his grip on Izaya’s hand, at the same time, Shiki stood beside him and closed his eyes for a second when he saw Izaya’s body. Still, he didn’t interfere as Li was in the higher rank, and as much as he didn’t want to admit, he seemed to handle this better.

 

‘’- You are burning up, Izaya- ‘’ Li wiped the boy’s tears and his fingers traveled in his black hair. He smiled to him; ‘’- Give me the gun, and let’s get you home, okay?-‘’

 

‘’- Th.. Thank you for looking at me.. L.. Like there was something worth looking at in me.. Li-san..’’ Izaya lips curled into a smile, _he was ready to go_. Shiki tensed, he squeezed his fist. Li stayed calm and didn’t dare to break his eye contact with the tortured thing;

 

‘’- I didn’t took you off from the streets so that you kill yourself, Izaya- ‘’ He drew closer to him; ‘’- I took you, because you know how to stay alive. Stay alive, Izaya. ''

 

‘’ – I am sorry..’’

 

Izaya steadied his grip on the gun.

 

‘’- Don’t you dare, Izaya ‘’

‘’- Izaya! ‘’

 

Shiki’s sentence harmonized into Shizuo’s pained cry when he bursted into the room. Taking advantage of the second he lost his attention, Li quickly slipped the gun from Izaya’s hand and stood up. One of his men, along with Shiki, signed Shizuo to stop as Li checked if there was a bullet in the gun. He then looked at Shiki as he pointed the gun towards the dead informant. Shiki nodded and stepped closer to Izaya. He closed the boy’s ears..

 

Shizuo, that day, quite clearly understood what kind of a world Izaya grew up in, and swore to God that he deemed as _cruel_ , that he was going to protect Izaya no matter what.

 

The Chinese boss fired the gun, the bullet right into Alexei’s skull, Shizuo saw no emotions inside the man’s brown eyes. He then watched as he looked at Izaya and lifted his chin up as Shiki lowered his hands;

 

‘’- You didn’t do anything wrong, Izaya- ‘’ _Li_ _was never going to forget those red eyes as they trembled and shivered for life as they clung onto his;_ ‘’- If someone challenges you with your life, this is what you answer back with- ‘’ He lifted the gun, then once Izaya understood, he let his chin go. Izaya dropped his head and bursted into sobs.

 

_The child was gone the second when Li fired the gun._

* * *

 

 

Li gave the gun to his man and uttered some orders in Chinese. His attention then went to the needle on the table, he walked towards it and also found a bottle of sedatives. _‘ No wonder..’_ He thought as he looked at the flames inside the fireplace..

 

Shizuo wriggled out from the yakuza men when they started cleaning up the evidence, and walked towards Izaya. He kneed down in front of him and next to Shiki who was talking to him;

 

    -‘’ This is why I never wanted to let you inside this world, Izaya..’’ Shizuo catched Shiki saying, the man then turned to Shizuo;  
    -‘’ Are you alright? ‘’  
    -‘’ Yeah.. ‘’ Shizuo said, his face white, but not as Izaya’s.

 

Shiki rolled the fabric of the white robe, and revealed the needle marks on Izaya’s arms, along with a burn on his right arm; ‘’- Were you being blackmailed? ‘’ He asked.

Izaya nodded, unable to speak, or look inside Shiki’s eyes. He tried to restrain his tears as Shiki put a hand on his forehead and checked his temperature. The only thing that was making this boy stay awake was the adrenaline all over his body. Because Shiki knew, with that fever, anyone would have fainted much earlier.

 

‘’- Heiwajima, do you know how to drive? ‘’ Shiki asked. When the other answered positive, Shiki took out the car’s key and extended to Shizuo; ‘’- Take him to Shinra. We’ll deal with this’’ He said then stood up to make a phone call.

 

 

With the corner of an eye, the Chinese boss watched as the blond touched Izaya’s hand, and the boy who was trembling like a leaf seconds ago, stilled like a soothed animal.

 

Shizuo put his hands to the sides of Izaya’s arms and looked at the red eyes which were quietly watching him; ‘’- Wrap your arms around me, Izaya  ‘’ Shizuo said, using a voice that one would use while calming down a child awakened by a nightmare.

 

_Shizuo looked at Izaya, and saw the life abandon his red eyes._

 

Izaya dropped his eyes to the stains of blood on his palms, then once again, merged them into the beautiful pair of amber ones. Shizuo understood;

‘’- No.. It’s fine.. I don’t care if they’re bloodied, just.. wrap them around my neck- ‘’ Shizuo _could_   pick him up bridal style, but he wanted to move Izaya, he needed to see that he was still _there_..

 

‘’- No one wears a five thousand pound suit in a random night, Izaya- ‘’  Shizuo and Izaya’s head simultaneously turned to look at the Chinese man walking towards them; ‘’- Do you see this- ‘’ He showed a bottle to Izaya ‘’- This is a sedative bottle-‘’;

 

‘’ – This was an assisted suicide, Izaya. You didn’t kill him, he knew he was going to die. ‘’

 

Shizuo took the towel the man extended to him, and without really applying pressure, cleaned the blood around Izaya’s palms.

‘’- Move, Izaya. ‘’ Li didn’t need to say twice.

 

Izaya obeyed and wrapped his arms to Shizuo. Shizuo was something sturdy to lean against, something safer, something beautiful. He was a white and yellow flower on a pavement washed in blood. Shizuo carried him towards the door, Izaya held onto him using the sides of his hand, so that he wouldn’t stain the flower.

 

 _Nine thousand yellow butterflies were coming through the door, they were making a golden bed on Alexei’s body._ Izaya’s eyes stared as the iron was pulled out from Alexei’s body. _Everytime they land onto the bed, the butterflies were turning red and falling to their sides._

 

Izaya started trembling again, Shizuo put his hand to the back of his hair ‘’- Don’t look, Izaya. ‘’ He pushed him a little so that he lays his head onto his shoulder. He then listened to the quiet, awful sounds Izaya made as his fingers clenched on his shirt.

He quickened his steps and carried Izaya to the car. He seated him, and called Shinra as he started the engine;

 

   -‘’ Shizuo-kun? ‘’ Shinra replied after the second call.  
   -‘’ I am bringing Izaya- ‘’  
   -‘’ Oh God, did he do something to himself? ‘’ Shinra asked as he left the bed and walked towards his white coat. Celty also woke up.  
   -‘’ No..- Shizuo hesitated for a second; ‘’- It’s over, Shinra. It’s..- ‘’ He turned and looked at Izaya who was looking like he might pass out at any second. ‘’- He’s free.. ‘’ For some reason, his last words came like a whisper.

_The butterflies were following the car. Izaya glanced at the window, and saw the dried blood on their wings._ They needed to drive faster.

 

_‘ Do you remember that day? ‘_

_‘ Do you remember? ‘_

_‘ One butterfly, two butterflies, three butterflies, four butterflies- ‘_

 

_The child was sitting at the backseat of the car._

Izaya extended his hand to the radio and turned the volume up, Shizuo looked at him like he was crazy; ‘’- What are you doing? ‘’

‘’- Suppressing the noise.. ‘’ A weak answer came from Izaya. He then turned his face to the window. ‘ _Fifteen butterflies, sixteen butteflies, seventeen butterflies- ‘_

 

 _‘ Eighteen butterflies- ‘ The child continued on counting, making Izaya remember every bit of ‘that day’._  Izaya wiped the tear on top of his lip. ‘ _Twenty-three butterflies, twenty-four butterflies- ‘_

 

‘ _What noise?_ ‘ Shizuo thought as an old pop-song blasted through the speakers. _‘ Maybe the noise of the road? ‘_  He then clenched his brows and focused his attention on finding the fastest road to Shinra’s apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

Ch 7.3: Three Hours Until Sunrise

 

‘’- Let’s put your hands in here- ‘’ Shinra guided Izaya’s hands into the cool water he prepared, and held his wrists gently; ‘’- Just for a twenty minutes or so, then I’ll bandage you up and you can lay down then- ‘’ He spoke, his puppy eyes in search for a contact, in search of a light in the other’s eyes. He then sighed quietly and took the glass of water Celty extended to him; ‘’- Here, drink this- ‘’ Shinra brought the glass towards Izaya’s lips and Izaya gulped down the half of the liquid.

 

Shinra read the message Celty wrote for him as he walked to put the glass down; ‘’- _Will he be alright? ‘’_

 

 _‘’-_ His temperature is high but I can handle that- ‘’ Shinra answered quietly as they walked towards Shizuo; Who was slumped on a chair on the far corner of the room.  Shinra touched his friend’s shoulder;

‘’- He is traumatised, Shizuo-kun. What happened? ‘’ He asked, lowering his voice to a whisper so that Izaya wouldn’t hear them.

 

Shizuo lifted his head up, then signed for Celty and Shinra to come closer; ‘’- He killed _him._ ‘’ He whispered.

Shinra’s eyes grew larger, he looked at Izaya, but then turned and fixed his glasses. ‘ _Not now Shinra, get it together’_ He talked internally and looked at his Celty; ‘’- I see.. Shiki-san called after you, he told me they are coming too.. ‘’ Shizuo nodded and Shinra walked away to find a medication for Izaya.

 

The blond then remembered something;

‘’- Ne.. Celty, I need to ask for something..’’

 

* * *

 

 

As they were walking up the stairs of Shinra’s apartment, Shiki made a decision of not getting into the car of a frustrated Chinese. Ever again. They saw Celty at the door;

 

‘’- Celty!- ‘’ Li opened his arms; ‘’- Long time no see- ‘’ The dullahan and the yakuza boss shared a quick hug; ‘’- You’re beautiful as always.. ‘’

 

Celty wrote something and showed them;

‘’- Izaya is with Shinra now… He looks..  _battered._.’’

 

      -‘’ I know, Celty.. ‘’ A sad smile was dancing on the Chinese’s lips.  
      -‘’ Where are you going? ‘’ Shiki asked when the dullahan made a move forward. She then stopped and typed an another message;

 

‘’- Shizuo told me to go to Izaya’s apartment to look after the girls.. ‘’

     

     -‘’ Oh.. right.. See you around then ‘’ Shiki said and followed Li inside.

* * *

 

 

( _<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B27yQMuTHWc>_ )

 

As he was cleaning the burn on Izaya’s right arm, Shinra heard a whispery melody leaving his traumatised friend’s lips. He lifted his face and looked at him, trying to understand what he was singing about.

 

Izaya was singing a lullaby. He was just sitting there, the medicine was taking it’s time to work, and he was just singing a lullaby..  _Izaya was singing, so that maybe the child would stop counting… ‘ One hundred eighteen butterflies ‘ ‘ One hundred nineteen butterflies..’_

  _' One hundred twenty butterflies '_

 

Shinra _had to_ stop for a second, he turned and looked at Shizuo, saw him crying silently, on the corner, hiding in the shadows. So he reached for his glasses and took them off as his tears too, started falling on their own..

 

Shinra sniffed and quickly turned to take off his medical gloves when the door opened and Shiki gazed into the room. He then tilted his head and without saying anything, summoned the two young males out of the room. Shizuo stood up, and before leaving the room, looked at Izaya who was rocking back and forth and mumbling a melody..

 

Shinra and Shizuo stood by the wall and Li went into the room. Shinra escaped his eyes when Shiki put his hands on his waist looked at them angrily;

 

‘’- Why are you crying? ‘’ The yakuza executive asked as his stare went back and forth between Shinra and Shizuo.

‘’- He’s.. He’s singing a lullaby, Shiki-san.. ‘’ Shinra dropped his face and replied with a broken voice. Shiki exhaled and rubbed his eyes;

 

‘’- Wipe your tears off ‘’ On that, Shinra took out his glasses and wiped his tears to the sleeve of his coat, and Shizuo, to the back of his hand. When they were calm enough, Shiki directly looked at Shizuo and pointed the door with his index finger before talking;

 

‘’- I get that Izaya is too broken to be _not stupid_ , but are you stupid too, Heiwajima? Ha? How long this has been going on?- ‘’ Shizuo just looked at the floor. Shiki lowered his finger, and when the there wasn’t an answer, continued;

‘’- You know what, I get it.. I get that you’re not much of a brains person, you’re in the muscles side.. Fine- ‘’ He looked at Shinra, ‘’- But are _you_ stupid, Shinra? ‘’

 

‘’- He threatened to kill himself.. If we told anything to you.. ‘’ Shizuo spoke out of blue. Shiki’s brows clenched.

‘’ -And.. he actually tried to overdose.. Couple of weeks ago- ‘’ Shinra added, and finally looked at Shiki; ‘’- He had no joke, Shiki-san. ‘’

* * *

 

 

Meanwhile, Izaya stopped singing and lifted his head up when he saw Li coming into the room. ‘’- Were you singing a lullaby? ‘’ The Chinese boss asked as he picked up the cloth standing on the examination bed, and walked towards the sink. Izaya gave a slight nod in return. _The child was still counting, now in the corner of the room; ‘ Two hundred and sixty two butterflies, two hundred and sixty three butterflies..’_

 

Li washed the cloth, then walked back to Izaya. He put his hand onto the boy’s forehead and felt that his fever was going down. He then wiped the tears and beads of sweat on his face; ‘’- I like them too..’’

 _‘’- All these things happened, and you didn’t care to tell me, are you saying this? ‘’_ Li’s attention went to Shiki’s voice then, scolding the youngsters in the hallway; ‘’- He’s so angry isn’t he? ‘’ Li said and watched as Izaya’s head turn towards the door, like he **just** heard them. Li’s brows clenched slightly.

 

_‘ Two hundred and seventy butterflies ‘_

 

‘’- What’s going on _in there_ , Izaya? ‘’ Li asked and pointed Izaya’s head. Izaya’s eyes faintheartedly turned to look at him;

‘’- He’s.. he’s counting, Li-san..’’ _‘ Two hundred and seventy two butterflies ‘, ‘ Two hundred and seventy three butterflies- ‘ The child stopped and grinned at him ‘ Do you remember? ‘_

 

     -‘’ Who? ‘’ Li’s question was simple.

 

Izaya’s lips were closed but his eyes traveled to the corner of the room where _the child_ was grinning at him. The Chinese followed the pair of scared red eyes, looked at the corner of the room, then turned back to Izaya; ‘’- _Is there someone in this room that shouldn’t be in here, Izaya?_ ‘’

 

Izaya gave an hesitant nod.

 

    -‘’ How long he’s been with you? ‘’ Li asked, leaning, so that Izaya’s view of the corner was closed. Izaya clutched the edges of his robe as he stuttered;  
    -‘’ S.. Since my first night.. ‘’

 

 _Since his first night where he gave away his childhood._  A broken sob pushed itself out of the young one’s chest as Li caressed his hair.

 

     -‘’ What I am I going to do, Li-san? ‘’ Izaya’s voice broke and it reflected despair like a mirror.  
     -‘’ You’ll live, Izaya ‘’ Li was whispering, but how his voice was growling like he was the strongest animal in the grand forest? How did these men hold him so steadily, despite all the blood on their hands?

 

_How was he going to pull the weight of Alexei’s blood on his own weak hands?_

 

     -‘’ L.. Li-san..’’ Izaya spoke just as Li was preparing to leave the room.

He turned and looked at him.

     -‘’ Alexei has.. a mother. In Russia.. ‘’

Li understood; ‘’ I see.. I’ll make the necessary arrangements..’’ He said and left the room.

* * *

 

 

‘’- They’re young Shiki, leave them alone ‘’ Li said as he passed Shiki and pulled Shinra into a tight hug; ‘’- There you are, Shinra! How is my doctor doing? ‘’

‘’- I’ve had better days, Li-san- ‘’  Shinra relaxed a little and fixed his glasses as his usual smile forced itself back on his lips. ‘’- How are _you_? ‘’ 

‘’- Quite well.. apart from the two bullet wounds in my gut of course-‘’ Li wrapped an arm around Shinra’s shoulder and walked him towards the kitchen ‘’- And let me tell you, _they don’t like aggressive drivers_ \- ‘’ He turned his head and glared at Shiki, who pretended like he didn’t hear the remark.

 

‘’- What.. when did you got shot? ‘’ The doctor asked as he followed Li to the kitchen.

‘’- A week ago, in Chinra..’’ Once they got into the room, Li closed the door.

 

* * *

 

 

‘’- Like you yourself are driving so calmly..’’  Shiki muttered under his breath and decided that he was calm enough to talk to Izaya. But the blond stopped him;

 

‘’- Shiki-san.. Would you.. could you punch me? ‘’ Shizuo asked, without leaving his stare on the floor. He gained a raised eyebrow from the older man.

 

    -‘’Are you sure? ‘’ Shiki asked.  
    -‘’ Yeah..- ‘’ Shizuo breathed out and looked at the yakuza executive; ‘’- I think I need that..’’  
    -‘’ Fine.. ‘’ Shiki took his jacket off and rolled the sleeves of his black shirt underneath. Shizuo escaped his eyes from the tattoos on the other’s arms.

 

    -‘’ Are you ready? ‘’ Shiki asked.  
    -‘’ Yeah.. Please go on. ‘’

 

* * *

 

 

‘’- Look at you, growing up to a doctor better than your piece of shit father ‘’ Li exclaimed joyfully as Shinra examined the bullet wounds on his stomach.

‘’- Do you think so, Li-san? ‘’ Shinra couldn’t hide the half smile on his face, despite how bad everything was going lately…

‘’ –Yes!- ‘’ Li gave an appreciative smack onto the boy’s back, which made Shinra stumble on his feet; ‘’- You grew up in my hands, Shinra. I played with you and your stupid medical toys when your father was doing surgeries. Believe when I say you’re handling everything good ‘’

 

The doctor extended for fresh bandages; ‘’- I needed to hear that.. Thank you Li-san..’’ Shinra quietly said as he started re-bandaging Li’s wound. A silence fell between them for five minutes, then got broken by Shinra’s question;

 

      -‘’ I.. I didn’t know you knew Izaya.. Did he sell you information before?  ‘’

 

 

_‘ ooh.. fuck..’_

 

 _Shinra didn’t know Li was Izaya’s ‘customer’._ Li weighed in his head if he should be telling Shinra or not, then decided it was only fair that he told him;

‘’- I was his client. Back when he was on the streets. ‘’ Li said.

 

 _Wait-_ ‘’- Wh.. What! ‘’ Shinra’s mouth widened in shock; ‘’- Do you mean.. _you were_ ‘the Chinese’ that called my father that night- ‘’ Li nodded ‘’- And introduced Izaya to Shiki-san.. ‘’

 

     -‘’ Yes, Shinra. Now, I need you to listen to me- ‘’  
     -‘’Oh my God.. I- ‘’ Shinra didn’t know what to say, _but it was now so obvious why his father hid Li’s name on the notes he kept that day._ _Shinra knew it, because he dug for those notes out of curiosty._  
     -‘’ God has left these deserts a long time ago, Shinra. Now, look at me- ‘’

 

Shinra looked at him. Li spoke; ‘’- Good.. Now, Izaya told me that he’s been.. you know.. _seeing things_.. for a long time. But seems like he doesn’t want people to learn, alright? I want you to talk to him, and figure out what’s wrong with him. ‘’

Shinra blinked and pulled his attention together; ‘’- He’s a drug addict, Li-san.. And he’s in trauma, _he’s been_ in one for a long time in fact. Many things could be the reason.. ‘’ Shinra spoke as he continued his work on Li’s wounds.

 

‘’- He’s a brilliant kid, Shinra. I don’t want him to go batshit crazy..’’ Li hissed when Shinra _unintentionally_ made an harsh move.

‘’- _You took him to your bed when he was just sixteen_. You know.. you could be the reason, Li-san ‘’  Shinra escaped his eyes from Li’s as he said these, but felt them on his skin nevertheless.

 

‘’- _I am_ one of the reasons, Shinra. Find out the rest. ‘’ Li replied directly.

* * *

 

 

‘’- Do you remember what I told you about trust, Izaya? ‘’ Shiki spoke to Izaya’s eyes that were trailing the white floor.

‘’- I’m sorry, Shiki-san ‘’ Izaya managed to let out a steady apologise, but _still_ couldn’t look at him in the eye.

 

‘’- Let me share something with you, Izaya, so that you understand how important it is. A week ago, the man you spoke before me got shot two times- ‘’

Izaya abruptly lifted his head up; ‘’- Li-san got shot? ‘’

 

Seeing the boy pulling his attention together, Haruya Shiki put his elbows on his knees and lowered his body; ‘’- We got busted in China, Izaya. That’s _what happens when your informant decides to keep secrets from you_. But yeah.. we got busted, and the head of a god damn yakuza decided to take two bullets. For me. ‘’ Shiki pointed himself, then continued;

 

‘’- For me, Izaya. Why? I am just an executive, I am no one. Dougen Awakusu can find a thousand replacements for me. But Li decided to just jump in front of the bullet that was supposed to find me. Why do you think is that? ‘’

 

‘’- Trust.. ‘’ Izaya quietly said.

‘’ Yes, Izaya. Trust. ‘’ Shiki’s hands went for a cigarette, then he remembered he was in a medical room. So he massaged his temples as a silence fell between them.

 

_‘ Two hundred and ninty one butterflies ‘, ‘ Two hundred and ninty two butterflies ‘ The child got up from the corner and walked near Izaya, getting louder and louder with each step. He then sat right next to him._

_‘ Two hundred and ninty three butterflies. ‘_

Izaya squeezed the white sheet of the examination bed, and talked; ‘’- M..My father always told me that I was useless- ‘’ His breath got stuck on the last word. He had to gulp it down. Shiki looked at him, and his eyebrows clenched when he saw him shivering. ‘ _fuck, I gave him an attack or something_ \- ‘ Shiki thought and stood up to walk to him.

‘’- He.. he beat me.. and told me that I was useless-‘’ Izaya sticked his fingers onto his heart. ‘’- Calm down, Izaya. Breathe. ‘’ Shiki spoke but Izaya wasn’t hearing him. _‘ Two hundred and ninty eight butterflies, two hundred and ninty nine butterflies-‘ The child supported himself up onto his knees and counted into Izaya’s ear._

 

Izaya looked at Shiki with tears running like an abandoned stream; ‘’-I.. I didn’t want to become a disgrace in the eyes of my second father too, Shiki-san.. ‘’

 

_Haruya Shiki remembered the words of somebody important to him; ‘ You don’t want a child, because you’re afraid Shiki. You’re afraid that the karma will find you eventually, you’re afraid that you’ll end up acting like us- ‘_

_‘ Well, mother, looks like karma found me eventually anyway. ‘_

 

Shiki catched Izaya’s shoulder and hugged him as Izaya bursted into voiceful sobs.

‘’- You are never a disgrace, Izaya. But- ‘’ He rubbed the boy’s back, like his mother used to do when Shiki was upset; ‘’- But I want my informant back. You hear me? I want my know-it-all informant, and my graceful son back. ‘’

 

_‘ Three hundred and five.. butterflies ‘ The child stopped in the middle of counting and looked at the stranger in white suit, hugging his older self. His diaphanous arms reached for Izaya, and he too, squeezed his little body in between their embrace._

 

Shiki held his foster son until his sobs were subsided a little; ‘’- You’re tired. I’ll tell Shinra to give you something so that you sleep for some time, alright? ‘’ He then laid him down onto the bed; ‘’- You’ll be fine. ‘’

Izaya curled up into foetal position and nodded. He watched as _the child walked to the chair across him and sat down, deciding to stay silent for some time._ Shiki left the room to get Shinra.

 

Izaya fixed his eyes to the child; ‘’- Thank you.. ‘’ He whispered _to_ _it._

* * *

 

 

Shiki got outside of the room and the corner of his eye followed as the blond stood up and walked into the room. He then saw Li, resting on the couch with the back of his hand on top of his eyes.

 

    -‘’ I made coffee, Shiki-san. Would you want some too? ‘’ Shinra asked from the counter.  
    -‘’ Yeah. Would be really nice. ‘’ He then walked to the armchair and sat across the yakuza boss;  
    -‘’ I will pay your tattoo artist if you decide to get the tattoos on your wounds fixed, Li-san ‘’ He said and extended a packet of cigarettes to him. Li grinned and sat up on the couch. He then took the cigarette Shiki offered and brought it to his lips before taking his shirt and wearing it. Shiki lit up his own cigarette, then gave the lighter to the Chinese boss.

 

Li dragged a long inhale from the cigarette, then spoke; ‘’- You like them? ‘’

‘’- I don’t like gunshot wounds, no. ‘’ Shiki flatly answered, exhaling his own smoke into the room.

 

Li opened his hands to his both sides; ‘’- I meant my tattoos, Shiki. Jesus.. you’re cruel.’’

Shiki didn’t answer to that.

 

‘’- Well.. I take your silence as a-‘’

‘’- _No._ ‘’ Shinra cut Li and put down a cup of coffee in front of him. Shiki snorted at that, then thanked Shinra when he came back with an another coffee for him.

 

‘’- I told him, and now he’s never going to forgive me. ‘’ Li pointed towards Shinra, who was sipping on his coffee and judgingly looking at he Chinese boss with his narrowed fox-like eyes.

‘’- Well.. if you can forgive _you_ then we can get onto the next person, Li-san-‘’ Shiki replied as he leaned forward and put off his cigarette on the ashtray. Then added; ‘’- By the way, Shinra. Give Izaya something, the boy is not sleeping for God’s sake.. ‘’

 

‘’- I might- ‘’ Shinra replied; ‘’- But I want to give some time to Shizuo, he always finds a way to calm Izaya down..’’

 

* * *

 

 

_‘ When the child heard the door opening, he got up from the chair he was sitting on, and quietly left the room- ‘_

 

While the three were sitting in the living room, Shizuo walked into the room Izaya was in, and practically _threw_ himself to the chair next to Izaya.

 

Izaya looked at him from the examination bed he was lying on; ‘’- Who punched you? ‘’ He asked, clenching his brows to figure out if it was really a ring wound that was on Shizuo’s cheek, or was his imagination.

‘’- I.. told Shiki-san to punch me.. ‘’ Shizuo confessed, his eyes unsure if he should touch Izaya. Instead, Izaya’s hand came towards his cheek, soothing his being right in that second;

 

‘’- Why would you do that? ‘’

 

Shizuo closed his eyes and felt the delicate fingertips on every fiber of his body, then the soft-harshness of the bandage on Izaya’s palm reminded him of the horrors of the night; ‘’- I.. I don’t know, I needed it I suppose.. ‘’ Shizuo answered, and opened his eyes when Izaya’s hand left him, and when Izaya started giggling all of a sudden;

 

‘’- I.. I am sorry-‘’ Izaya brought his wrist to his tears and wiped them as he continued on giggling impulsively; ‘’- I’m tired I guess.. I.. I don’t know why I’m laughing ‘’ Izaya sniffed and snuggled to Shizuo when he put his head next to Izaya.

 

 Shizuo put a kiss on Izaya’s forehead as he sobbed and laughed.

_How could one drown with a smile on their lips?_

 

_The sun was in love with the ocean._

_One day, the sun found the ocean sitting on the warm sand and counting to himself; ‘ Nine thousand ‘, ‘ Eight thousand nine hundred ninty- nine ‘  ‘ Eight thousand nine hundred and ninty-eight ‘ The sun sat next to the ocean and listened to him for some time, then asked;_

_‘’- Why are you counting down from nine thousand? Why not any other number? ‘’_

_The ocean stopped at ‘ Eight thousand nine hundred and sixty four ‘ , a wave of him shuddered, and a one yellow butterfly came ashore. The ocean replied;_

_‘’- I once saw a butterfly. She lived nine thousand seconds, then I lost her.‘’_

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shiki was drinking his second cup of coffee, Li was going hard on Kishtani Shingen’s whiskey. Shinra put his own cup under the sink, and checked the clock; ‘’ 3 : 27 ‘’ _There were three hours until sunrise._

 

He walked and opened the door of the examination room, and saw Izaya and Shizuo sleeping; His hands were tangled to each other, Shizuo’s head was next to Izaya’s, and his body was looking painfully uncomfortable on the chair. Still, Shinra let them sleep like that until sunrise. For he knew, from now on, sunrises weren’t going to come easily for them..

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music rolls; AUSTRA - Reconcile
> 
> Where did we heard nine thousand butterflies before?
> 
> '' Nine thousand yellow butterflies caressed Izaya's broken body '' ( 10th Chapter of House of the Rising Sun )  
> UHMHMHM  
> ( I think I am going crazy, I need to sleep)
> 
> by the way, Li omygad lkjflajfs
> 
> You can talk to me on tumblr; whitecircusbird.tumblr.com  
> Shannyn out.


	8. Kintsukuroi P.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the best chapter in this entire story.. Let me know how you feel about it too *-** 
> 
> Notes;
> 
> Kintsukuroi; It is a japanese art where you repair broken pottery, vases etc. using gold. It has a deep philosophy behind it but I explained further in the chapter so no worries..
> 
> Hanfu; A Chinese traditional clothing.

Ch 8; Paper Boats

 

_‘ I loved a man. And he was damaged. He was damaged like the paper boats the kids living on the streets would make and release into the dirty water under an old bridge. Torn, stained, and splattered with heartsore melodies, the paper boat would sail on the water, and the people walking on the road would see the whiteness of it, the grace of it would mesmerize the people crawling in sin and sorrow. Then the paper boat would start sinking, now heavy and wet with untold tragedies. A lost child would ran into the darkness under the bridge, and he would see the paper boat. He would stretch his body, extend his arms to reach the dying thing. And he would take it, successful, he would smile and start walking towards the sun to dry the paper boat, so that it wouldn’t shiver into the solitary nights anymore.._

_I was the lost child. I took my paper boat from the water, and I loved him. I hope he loves me back one day.. ‘_

_._

_._

_._

_‘ Two thousand one hundred and one butterflies ‘_

_‘ Two thousand one hundred and two butterflies..’_

 ‘’- Is.. ‘ _he_ ’ still counting? ‘’ Shizuo asked, turning his face to the wall which Izaya has been staring at for the past three hours.  A ‘ _Yes_ ’ came as a whisper from Izaya, he then brought the cigarette in his hand to his dry lips. His hands were shaky, Shizuo couldn’t miss it.

    -‘’ Does _he_ ever stop? ‘’  
    -‘’ Sometimes.. ‘’

_‘ Two thousand one hundred and eight butterflies ‘ The child was swinging his feet, he then hit them to the wall, then to the wardrobe. ‘ Two thousand one hundred and nine butterflies. Do you remember Izaya? Do you remember that day?’_

_He hasn’t stopped for the past two days though.._ Izaya closed his eyes. ‘’ _Please stop..’’_

Izaya let out a trail of smoke that resembled the heavy clouds before rain. Watching him, Shizuo brought his hand to the one piece of hair that was covering Izaya’s shuddering lashes; ‘’- Do you know why is he counting? ‘’ He asked as he tucked the piece behind his ear.

On that, Izaya tore his eyes from _the child_ and looked at Shizuo’s eyes instead. A smile was persistent on his lips whenever he talked to Shizuo;

‘’- _Who knows._.’’ He answered, then put a little kiss on Shizuo’s cheek. It wasn’t really kiss though, just a brush of a calloused skin, maybe a mute plea. Shizuo took the half smoked cigarette when Izaya extended to him and turned to lay down onto the bed. He watched as Izaya curled under the coral sheets and hid his face with a fisted hand.

‘’- Wouldn’t you want to eat something before you sleep?- ‘’ Shizuo asked quietly, to not to disturb him even more. Everything was silent around them for the past seven days; Even Mairu and Kururi’s occasional bickerings were gone since they were staying with Shinra and Celty. Shizuo added; ‘’- You’re skin and bone, you’ll get sick again. ‘’

‘’- I will.. I-‘’ A muffled voice answered, it was almost too weak to be Izaya’s; ‘’- Just thirty minutes… I’ll come and eat then..’’

Shizuo put the cigarette off onto the ruby red ashtray, then leaned and kissed Izaya’s hair, taking the familiar scent of it; ‘’- Okay..’’

 

Izaya didn’t leave the bed that day.

 

 

**A Week Earlier;**

 

Izaya listened to the scratchy sounds of the pen in Shinra’s hands as he scrambled some words onto the paper in front of him; ‘’- Okay so.. Your visual hallucinations started some time after you left home and started working. But auditory ones started after using IV drugs..’’

Izaya gave a weak nod, Shinra put his pen down and looked at him;

 

‘’- Why did you wanted to hide, Izaya? All these time. We could have helped you sooner.. ‘’

 

_There was a reason, stuck in a box inside Izaya’s head, but even Izaya had no nerve to open it._

 

When the other didn’t give an answer, Shinra returned to the medical questions; ‘’-Okay then.. Is there anyone in your family that has history of mental illness? ‘’

‘’- No.’’

‘’- Are you lying, Izaya? ‘’

Izaya pinched the skin on his inner thigh; ‘’- No. ‘’ His glance dropped leftwards and he repeated.

‘’- Okay.. I believe you then- ‘’ Shinra got up from his chair and walked to the medicine cabinet. He talked as he searched for something in it; ‘’- Since you refuse to go to an actual doctor, I think we should try these for some time..’’ He took out a little bottle of pills and walked back to Izaya.

 

Izaya looked at the extended bottle; ‘’- Will you tell Shiki-san? ‘’ He asked without lifting his eyes from it.

‘’- _I already told him_. And I will tell Shizuo too. ‘’ On his answer, Izaya looked at him, his eyes were an instant rush of guilt into the doctor’s heart;

‘’- Plase don’t look at me like that, Izaya. You know Shizuo is going to take care of you. And.. Hiding never works, we all learned it last night. You learned it so badly. How can you expect-‘’

 

     -‘’ I don’t want him to..’’ Izaya abruptly talked, cutting the doctor’s worried speech.  
     -‘’ What? ‘’  
     -‘’ I don’t want Shizuo to take care of me. I.. I want him to go live his life. _’’_

 

On his friend’s words, a sad smile settled onto the doctor’s lips; ‘’- I think it’s a bit late to say that.. Since Shizuo-kun is in love with you this much..’’

Izaya’s boney fingers extended for the medicine; ‘’- I told him not to love me. _Repeadetly_ , Shinra.. I told him- ‘’ He looked at Shinra. The other gave a squeeze to his wrist and smiled;

 

‘’- _It’s heart that loves, Izaya-kun. Not the words_..’’ 

* * *

 

After Shizuo and Izaya left, Shinra took the paper he wrote his notes on, he examined it for some time, then called Shiki;

     -‘’ I need an informant, Shiki-san ‘’  
     -‘’ Well, I believe our best one is trying to stick his pieces together.. I thought you were going to talk to him today..’’  
     -‘’ I did, and that’s why I called you. I need Izaya’s family history, hospital documents.. anything you can provide me about his past. ‘’

The older man gave some thought to that. Then talked; ‘’- Alright.. I will find someone. ‘’

* * *

 

**Back to the current timeline, plus two weeks;**

 

‘’- I can’t get him out of bed, Shinra. And he is barely eating; If he eats, he just throws it up afterwards-‘’ Shizuo was talking to Shinra on the phone.

_‘’ – Yeah.. That’s probably because the medicine is not working well with the drugs he is shooting..’’_

‘’- I.. I don’t know- ‘’ Shizuo stopped for a second to breathe, he ran his hand through his hair; ‘’- I don’t know what to do- ‘’ He bit his bottom lip and gave an exhale; ‘’- He is pushing me away, he doesn’t even really talk to me. I feel like.. he is losing his touch with.. you know.. _everything’’_

 

Listening to his friend, Shinra’s smile was gone. But he touched to his Celty’s hand when she came near him; ‘’- He is pushing you away because he is afraid ‘’

‘’- I know. ‘’ Shizuo quickly replied.

    -‘’ Is he still having nightmares? ‘’ Shinra asked as he walked towards the counter and put some water to the kettle.  
    -‘’ Yeah..’’  
    -‘’ What does he dream about? Does he talk in his sleep? ‘’

In a little silence that was seperated for thinking, Shizuo pulled the kitchen chair and sat down. He massaged his temples as he answered; ‘’- He is begging for someone to stop.. and sometimes I hear him calling for his mother.. But I don’t really listen, Shinra. It’s painful, I just wake him up. ‘’

‘’- I see..-‘’ The doctor talked; ‘’- Even if he doesn’t want to speak, or eat, you need to push him Shizuo-kun’’ He said and listened to the breathy laugh the other gave afterwards;

    -‘’ Pushing Orihara Izaya, really? ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes- ‘’ Shinra fixed his glasses and poured some water into the cup; ‘’- Until he is Orihara Izaya once again. ‘’

 

  _Until he is Orihara Izaya once again._

 

Biting the flesh inside his mouth, Shizuo nodded to himself; ‘’-Thanks Shinra, I’ll call you later again ‘’

     -‘’ You can talk to me whenever you’re struggling, Shizuo-kun. You guys don’t need to deal with this alone. _Because you’re not alone_. ‘’ 

* * *

 

 

After the phone call, Shizuo walked to the bedroom and found Izaya sleeping. He carefully sat next to him on the bed and listened to his breathing. His black hair was seperating one by one on his white skin, and his mostly shaking hands were still now; Just like everything around him.

 

Shizuo’s back hunched and he put his elbows on his knees; ‘’ _How I am I supposed to help you if you go on acting, Izaya? How I am I supposed to heal you if suppress your screams? If you hide your pain_? ‘’

 

Shizuo took his head between his palms and sat there maybe an hour or two, talking to his inner thoughts, questioning them. He got awakened by a faint ‘’- _Shizu-chan_ ‘’ that came from the other. Shizuo turned to look at Izaya while the other straightened up on the bed;

 

     -‘’ Is there something wrong? Was I talking to myself? ‘’ Izaya asked, his eyes questioningly up and down on Shizuo. The other shook his head;  
     -‘’ No. You were just sleeping.. ‘’  
     -‘’ Oh.. I see.. ‘’ Gaining balance by holding onto one of Shizuo’s shoulders, Izaya got out of the bed and walked towards the window. He opened it and took the fragrant air into his lungs. _The child was quiet nowadays_ ;  
     -‘’ It’s going to rain..- ‘’ He said as his eyes trailed a yellow butterfly floating on the gray sky. He then added; ‘’- Ne.. Shizu-chan.. Would you tell Celty to pick up Mairu and Kururi after school today? ‘’

 

Shizuo’s brows clenched as he turned and looked at Izaya; who was watching the scenery while the soft wind was waving the curtains, and the ends of his creme robe;

‘’- She will. She texted me and told me hours ago.. _and I told you before you slept_. Did you forgot? ‘’

 

On that, Izaya turned and looked at Shizuo with an unreadable expression on his face. He then gulped dryly and fixed his hair; ‘’- Yeah.. I suppose so. Must be the effect of the medicine.. ‘’ He mumbled and left the window open as he walked to Shizuo.

 

‘’- Yeah..’’ Shizuo managed to let out a reply when Izaya’s delicate fingers wrapped his chest and he hugged him from the back. ‘’- You need to rest too, Shizu-chan.. ‘’ Izaya softly spoke and put his head between Shizuo’s shoulder blades. Shizuo rested on the other’s touch as they listened to the sound of curtains flying up and down with the wind. Up and down.. and resting for some time.. then up and down..

    -‘’ Would you like to talk about it, Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo asked after a soothing silence.  
    -‘’ About what? ‘’  
    -‘’ I don’t know.. whatever you want ‘’

Izaya’s fingers curled on his vest; ‘’- I don’t want to upset you.. ‘’ He murmured brokenly. Shizuo closed his eyes and gulped on that.

 

‘’- Let me help, Izaya ‘’ Shizuo held the hands that were curled on his vest, he felt Izaya sitting smaller behind him, ready to pull back at any second;

‘’- You’d be sad if I told you how I felt..’’ _You can’t take it._

‘’- _No.._ What did I told you Izaya?- ‘’ Shizuo turned and broke their position, he took Izaya’s head between his hands, he looked at the bags under his eyes, and his breath got stuck at his throat when he saw the condition of the two rubies of _the hibiscus_..

 

_Rubies were dying._

_The hibiscus was dying._

_A flower was dying in a vase near the window. Curtains touched to it, hoping maybe they could help and soothe it’s pain._

 

‘’- Didn’t I told you I was content to sadness if it’s with you?- ‘’ Shizuo caressed Izaya’s cheekbones with his thumb; ‘’- Don’t I tell you how much I love you? ‘’

Izaya leaned into the touch, and his lips gave _that smile_.. A smile that was heavy, suppressed so many words, so many screams.. It filled the cracks on the harsh skin, sometimes his lips bled;

‘’- You told me you were content to _sadness_ , Shizuo. This is pain- ‘’ Izaya said, then hugged him, encouraging Shizuo to answer back by taking his arms and wrapping them around his waist; ‘’- I just want you to hold me.. like this.. - ‘’ He then lifted his head towards Shizuo’s ear and whispered;

 

 

‘’- and I want you to _run away_ when you feel like you can’t take it anymore.. Because I don’t know how much longer I can hold myself Shizuo..’’

* * *

 

 

 **_One night_ ** _;_

_His legs were so heavy, Izaya stumbled on the dark brown soil. He flinched when a dove flew past him, it was so familiar and so white.. ‘- What does it do in a forest at night? ‘ Izaya thought as he pushed himself and walked, hoping internally he could get out of this unfamiliar forest. His eyes spotted a person then, sitting on a flat rock, he wasn’t turned to him so he couldn’t recognize him. He stopped when the person moved his hand towards his lips, then stretched his arm and pointed a direction._

_His fingertips were red._

_Izaya stopped and took a step back, he tilted his head in an attempt to see beyond the stranger’s long brown hair, but then an another dove flew and Izaya turned his head to the direction where it flew, and where the stranger was pointing at. He saw him._

_Alexei._

_Izaya’s feet got stuck to something when he made an attempt to run, and he fell on his back. Alexei was holding the dove, he caressed it for some time, then smiled to it;_

_‘’- I am sorry..Will you forgive me? ’’ He asked to the dove, then looked at Izaya whom was struggling to escape from the leaves and branches that were restraining his arms. Izaya’s eyes filled with tears, he screamed and dragged his feet to the ground; ‘’- Please, don’t come.. don’t hurt me, let me go, please’’ He begged as Alexei walked towards him with a familiar child who joined him out of nowhere. Two yellow butterflies glowed in the dark and flew towards Izaya with a piercing speed, Alexei released the dove, and Izaya saw blood on his palms._

_The child ran and kneeled in front of Izaya, he tilted his head and looked at him;_

_‘’- You have blood on your hands. ‘’ He said. Izaya glanced towards his hands that were bound by restrains, and saw the blood, dripping, and for some reason, making sound. Izaya made an awful sound that echoed into the night; ‘’- Let me go ‘’_

_Alexei was lying dead, his blood was joining into the half damp soil of the earth._

Izaya woke up.

 

Shizuo opened his eyes when he felt the weight of the bed change. He was sleeping lighter nowadays –as expected-, and he immediately sensed the other’s absence beside him.

Izaya was sitting on the edge of the bed though, tonight, the moon was shining into the spacious bedroom, it was illuminating the room and Izaya’s ghost-like silhouette into a white hue. Izaya’s shoulders were trembling under the thin robe he was wearing, Shizuo saw it, and cautiously drew near him on the bed; ‘’- Izaya? ‘’

 

His profile thinned in the bars of the moon who was currently possesing him, as Izaya turned his head to look at Shizuo; ‘’- H.. Hello, Shizu-chan..’’ He stuttered, making Shizuo sure that he wasn’t _himself_ right now. So the other slowly knelt in front of him; ‘’- It’s over Izaya, it was just a nightmare, alright?- ‘’ He reached to touch Izaya, but the other flinched away from his touch; ‘’- Okay.. –‘’ Shizuo immediately drew his hands back and watched as Izaya wrapped his hands around himself and glanced around the room.

‘’- There is no one in here, Izaya ‘’ Shizuo spoke and seemed to take the other’s attention. Izaya shook back and forth for some time, his lips quivering in sentences that were indescribable and whispery..

 

After couple of minutes that felt like hours to Shizuo, Izaya hesitantly unwrapped his hands to look at his palms, and a sorrowful sentence escaped from the rampant waves of the drowning ocean he carried himself within;

‘’- Isn’t it scary to lie next to a murderer, Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya dropped some tears onto the blood on his palms, which weren’t there, and wasn’t real. _But his question was_.

 

Shizuo’s eyes grew larger in horror at the other’s words. He jumped to him and took his palms into his warm hands; ‘’- What are you saying, Izaya?-‘’

Izaya’s eyebrows clenched in pain and melancholy, as more water fell from his eyes, to the skies, onto the sun’s hands; ‘’- Y.. You told me to say what I feel.. Now I understand.. Shizu-chan.. I understand- ‘’

 

‘’- _what it feels like to be afraid of your own hands_ ‘’

 

Just a little sentence imitating a cloudy sky, and Izaya broke Shizuo right there. It was a clear sound, you could hear the distant note of sadness if you listened closely. You could hear the sudden memories rushed into Shizuo’s head;

 

_Suddenly, he was eight once again. His so-called friends were mocking him, calling him a monster. Some of them were running away.. Suddenly, he remembered how much it hurt. Why he wanted to break his own fingers that night.._

_Suddenly, he was in high school, everyone was whispering about him in the halls. He really was the monster, wasn’t he?_

 

Suddenly, Shizuo needed something to hold on to.

And he choose Izaya.

 

He put his head onto Izaya’s knees like a lost child, and brought his hand to clutch the hem of his silky robe; ‘’- You know it’s not the same thing- ‘’ He managed to say before a sob slit his throat open and left him bleeding on a pair of unsteady knees.

Izaya felt something wetting his naked knees, _Shizuo was crying_. Suddenly, he came back to himself, only to lose himself even more;

 

‘’- I told you not to love me- ‘’ Izaya brought his distraught fingers to his sun’s golden hair, they clenched painfully in them; ‘’- I told you..- ‘’ He sobbed in delirium and his chest collapsed on him;

‘’- I told you not to love me, and now you’re crying on my knees Shizuo!- ‘’ He growled.

 

‘’- I told you, I told you, I told you- ‘’ He hit Shizuo’s shoulders as he yelled in agony, his fists were everything but painful to Shizuo.

Shizuo closed his eyes and let Izaya bruise him, like everyone bruised Izaya. He stayed still until the minute the other lost the strenght on his hands and his fragile body started convulsing in tremors. ‘’- Why? ‘’ Izaya finally screamed.

 

Shizuo lifted his head up and looked into his eyes;

 

‘’- Because you deserve all the love in this fucking world. ‘’

 

Like a breezy wave, Shizuo laid Izaya down and kissed him into the faltering night, kissed him into the calm, kissed him until the cracks on Izaya’s lips were wet and stopped bleeding. He kissed him until they were out of breath, then he put his head onto Izaya’s stormy chest. _The ocean was echoing inside his ribcage, and woes were still leaving his throat_ _in the rhythm of a man losing himself; ‘’- I told you.. I told you not do this to yourself.. ‘’_

 

‘’- They broke your heart didn’t they?- ‘’ Shizuo listened as he ran his fingers on Izaya’s soul to find the cracks in there; ‘’- They made you sad.. ‘’

 

‘’- You’re drowning Izaya, and I am drowning in you.. ‘’

 

_That night passed so hard, the sunrise clung onto their tears. They both waited for the dawn as they dreamt of daffodils and sleep. The sunrise came eventually, sleep didn’t._

 

Izaya didn’t talk to anybody for the rest of the week.

* * *

 

 

Ch 8.1; Kintsukuroi

 

After that day, Izaya stopped taking the medicine Shinra gave him; and opted for anti-depressants instead. No matter who talked to him –including Shiki- , or how much Shinra ate Izaya’s brains with his screechy speeches, Izaya didn’t speak to anyone and he rarely left his bedroom. To Shizuo, _it was almost like he shut himself down.._

_It has been raining so much in the past week, Izaya was always leaving the window open, and Shizuo was closing it whenever Izaya was nodding out from the drugs in his system._

The only time Shizuo saw Izaya relatively alive was when his sisters came and talked to him about their days. Izaya wouldn’t speak with them too, but he would smile and caress their hairs, or would braid Mairu’s hair. The girls didn’ t seem to be upset about their brother’s silence, which was weird, Shizuo thought. They acted like they were used to it.

 

One day, Shizuo catched them speaking to each other;

     -‘’ Butterflies? ‘’ Kururi asked to her sister as they were watching TV together. Mairu nodded.

Shizuo’s brows slightly clenched as he remembered Izaya murmuring the same word in his sleep, quite often in fact. So he asked;

 

     -‘’ What about butterflies? ‘’ Shizuo sat to the couch and looked at the twins. The twins looked at each other, then brought their hands to their mouth and ‘ _’zipped their lips off_ ‘’  
     -‘’ We can’t tell you, we promised to nii-san ‘’ Mairu said, and Kururi agreed;  
     -‘’ We promised ‘’ 

* * *

 

 

_‘ Two thousand eight hundred and eight butterflies ‘_

_‘ Two thousand eight hundred and nine butterflies  ‘_

 

‘’- Shut up ‘’

 

‘ _Two thousand eight hundred and ten butterflies, why don’t you open the box? ‘_

 

‘’- Shut up ‘’ Draining in unknown sweat and terror, Izaya lowered his head and his hands squeezed into fists around his ears; ‘’- Shut up ‘’ He repeated. The humid air before rain was choking him, _‘ Why don’t you open the box, why the don’t you open it? ‘ The child asked repeadetly, making Izaya gulp thickly and fix his eyes onto him;_

 

‘’- I don’t want to ‘’ He replied. The child shrugged then, and continued on counting; _‘ Two thousand eight hundred and eleven butterflies, two thousand eight hundred and twelve butterflies..’_

 

 

Shizuo knew his hallucinations were back. He knew it, because Izaya was yelling at them at this very second;

 

_‘’- Shut up! I said shut up, why don’t you shut up. Shut up! ‘’_

 

Since Izaya _quite clearly_ didn’t want him in the room, Shizuo was sitting by the wall right next to the ajar door of the bedroom. He looked at the cigarette in between his fingers, as Izaya was yelling, and pleading inside the room. He looked at his cigarette, and he wished to just wrap Izaya safely inside the smoke, to hide him from every horrendous thing he’s been ever into..

 

The smoke of the cigarette twirled and flew slowly towards the ceiling, but Izaya was burning just like the ashing tip, wasn’t he? _Shizuo wanted to wrap Izaya into the smoke of his cigarette._

 

One last ‘’- Shut up ‘’, and a crashing sound filled Shizuo’s ears. Without getting up, he peeked inside the room and saw the pieces of glass on the floor. _Izaya threw the glass to the wall right next to the child. The child seemed to be shocked for a fraction of a second, he then grinned and dropped his face like he was sad. Izaya turned against him and laid down onto the bed._

 

_‘ The calendar ‘_

‘’- What? ‘’ Izaya turned his neck to the child, but the other acted like he didn’t say anything. _‘The calendar? ‘_ Izaya thought as he looked at the calendar standing on the nightstand.

 

Oh..

_Tomorrow, it was going to rain._

* * *

 

 

**_The next day;_ **

 

After his forty minute phone call with Shinra, Shizuo walked towards the bedroom to check on Izaya. He passed the twins watching anime in the living room, the sky was gray outside, so the room was dimly lit. Shizuo couldn’t see Izaya in the bedroom, so he walked back to the living room and asked the girls;

     -‘’ Do you know where your brother is? ‘’ On his question, Mairu turned her head and replied;  
     -‘’ He went out. He told us he needed to visit a friend today ‘’  
     -‘’ Do you know who? ‘’ It was peculiar, since apart from attending a school meeting in the girl’s school, Izaya has been refusing to go out. When the girls shook their head as in ‘no’, Shizuo took out his phone and called Shiki. The phone only rang two times before the executive answered;

 

     -‘’ Did something happen, Heiwajima? ‘’ Shizuo was impressed with how direct this man always was. His free hand instinctively went behind his neck as he answered;  
   
     -‘’ No.. I mean.. Izaya went out without saying anything, I was on the phone. Um.. I asked the girls, they told me he went to visit a friend.. I wanted to call if you know anything..’’

  
   
     -‘’ A friend?- ‘’ The yakuza executive’s one brow raised. He glanced around the room, thinking who that friend might be. His dark brown eyes stopped on the calendar on the wall then. _‘Oh..’_ ; ‘’- I think I know where he went Heiwajima- ‘’ He sighed and stood up to take his jacket.  
 

  
     -‘’- Yeah.. I can- ‘’  
   
     -‘’ No need. I will pick him up. He will be with me today, you get some rest ‘’ The executive said and ended the call. Shizuo lowered the phone and rubbed his eyes, _Shiki-san really was a direct man._

 

 But he got a point, Shizuo haven’t been getting enough sleep nowadays and it was hard not to see it. So he walked towards the girls and settled on the couch; ‘’- Wake me when you get hungry alright? ‘’ He said and closed his eyes..

 

* * *

 

 

After asking Akabayashi to deal with a job for him, Haruya Shiki started driving to the South of Ikebukuro; _to the cemetery_. And he was right, under the sore clouds, with a bouquet of red and pink flowers stuck in between his fingers, Izaya was standing in front of the grave of his friend; _Haruki._  

 

Taking an umbrella, Shiki got out of the car and walked to Izaya. A cruel wind breathed past him, bringing the smell of rosemary and of a distant lemon tree that the rain was wetting. By the looks of the shivering on his chest, the boy must have been standing here for some time. He didn’t become aware of Shiki until he came beside him and opened the umbrella.

Izaya turned his head and looked at Shiki with slightly startled eyes. But they stilled once they recognized the man in white suit.

 

‘’- I will wait until you’re finished ‘’ Shiki said and got a glassy nod from Izaya.

He then watched as his foster son kneeled down and put the bouquet of flowers onto his friend’s grave. He talked with mumblings resembling an unstable ship sailing on a quiet sea at night;

 

‘’- S.. Sorry I didn’t visit you sooner Haruki.. I.. um- ‘’ Something stuck onto his throat as Izaya stared at the falling raindrops on the granite; ‘’- I got you flowers.. and this- ‘’ He took out a red, cylinder object from his pocket and placed it inside the bouquet; ‘’- Sorry I think I lost yours under the streetlight..So I bought you a new one, I hope you like it- ‘’ The cold pierced into him as Izaya slowly crossed his one arm across the other and spoke in tattered syllables;

 

‘’- After you went away, I.. I told my sisters that you returned back to your brother, Haruki. I’m.. I’m sorry..  ‘’

 

Shiki waited until the boy wiped his face to the fur of his coat and lifted himself onto his feet. He then dropped his eyes to the ground and joined his hands in front of him, _he really looked like the child he never had a chance to be_. Shiki closed the umbrella and extended his hand to him;

 

‘’- Let’s go ‘’

* * *

 

 

Once they were in the car, Shiki turned the heaters on and pointed the one in front of Izaya; ‘’- Put your hands under that ‘’ He said and started the car.

Shiki took the longer turn to Ikebukuro; ‘’- Look, I see you need some time, and I get your silence and all that, but at least talk to your boyfriend of yours Izaya. You broke the mountain of a man for God’s sake. And you see, it’s kind of _hard_ when someone you care about is… unreachable. You got me? ‘’

 

‘’- Okay..’’  Was Izaya’s quiet reply. On that, Shiki turned his head and looked at him with a slightly confused expression;

‘’- That was it? A father talk. That was all you needed? ‘’ He asked to Izaya who was directly looking at him. Izaya gave a quick nod and mumbled; ‘’- I’ll try..’’

‘’- Well.. alright then, where do you wanna go? You’re with me today ‘’

 

Izaya hesitantly bit his bottom lip and held the fur on the sleeve of his coat; ‘’- I..um.. Can we go to Li-san? I.. I want to talk to him too..‘’ He asked.

Shiki took out his phone; ‘’- Let me ask if he’s available ’’

* * *

 

  _He was_ , the address Li gave to Shiki was an hour of driving to the end of Ikebukuro, so at one point Izaya turned towards the window as his heavy lids started quivering with tiredness. He watched the droplets of rain lose their form and make trails of water on the glass, sometimes merging into one another..

A sentence fell from Izaya’s lips;

‘’- My father never gave me a dad talk, Shiki-san.. I.. really respect you and so I’ll try..- ‘’ He fell quiet then, the sleep started taking him to her arms; ‘’- _to heal.._ ’’

* * *

 

 

The car stopped in front of an scenic mansion that, if Izaya were to be honest, looked more like a palace than a mansion. Two of Li’s men greeted them and Izaya and Shiki walked up to the door, where Li was standing with a welcoming smile on his face; ‘’- Welcome ‘’

Shiki and Li shook hands as Izaya bowed and stayed as small as he could.

 

They walked inside. ‘’- You gave us the address of your _house_ , Li-san, but I am afraid this place could easily be mistaken to the imperial palace. ‘’  On Shiki’s words, Li gave a laugh; ‘’- I can only be flattered if I managed to impress the harsh executive of Awakusu-Kai ‘’

 

Li then turned to Izaya and lifted him up from his excessive show of respect; ‘’- How have you been Izaya? ‘’ The other tried so hard not to escape his eyes from him as he mumbled an answer..

 

 ‘’-I see.. the girls will give you dry clothes, then you can rest or join us alright? ‘’ Li said and Izaya then saw the two women waiting for them.

 

 

Izaya quietly nodded and followed the two women in vermillion coloured _hanfu’s_ as he stared at the gold and white detailings carved onto the walls..

As Li and Shiki were conversating about the recent issues in illegal liquor market, Izaya got into a spacious room, and wore the clothes that the Chinese ladies brought for him. When they left, Izaya walked towards the half-canopy bed and sat onto the rose-gold bedsheets.

 

He lifted his head up to the ceiling of the bed where an imitation of _Noel-Nicholas Coypel’s The Abduction of Europa_ was drawn, and was decorated with illustrated red roses as edging. He stared at it with his lips parted, and continued when he decided to lie down and let his body be wrapped into the contrast of red and vibrant blue.

 

Li knocked on the door, then entered the room Izaya was in. He found him looking at the painting with eyes that were pensive and hazy;

 

‘’- This is beautiful Li-san..’’ Izaya breathed out the sentence like it was a poem.

‘’ – Do you think so? ‘’ Li asked as he pulled the chair of the writing table and sat by the bedside. He added; ‘’- Well.. let me tell you about something more beautiful then. Do you know about the art of _kintsukuroi?_ ‘’

‘’- No.. ‘’

 

Li’s voice was as calming as the blue waves of the ocean, of the painting Izaya was staring at; ‘’- _It is the art of precious scars, where you take something broken, and you fix it with gold_. It is done usually to a ceramic, teapot or vases.. But there can be variations of course..’’

 

It wasn’t so hard to understand that Li was talking about him. Izaya’s lips curled into a smile; ‘’- Is there anyone with that much of gold where they can fill the cracks inside me, Li-san? ‘’ He asked.

 

Li looked at the soft-spoken soul lying in front of him, _a soul in which, once upon a time, he himself added a crack into;_ ‘’- You can have all the gold in the world, Izaya. But you have to accept it, or else it would not do any good. ‘’

_You have to accept help._

 

Izaya blinked the burning inside his eyes away, the light of the chandelier illuminated the sylphlike hope he had inside the two rubies; ‘’- I’ll accept.. I.. I don’t know if I can be repaired but..- ‘’ He gulped, and a one vagrant tear left his right eye; ‘’- _But I just hope the pain eases soon.._ ‘’

His movements were so slow that when Izaya turned his head and looked at Li, the sheets didn’t move an inch; ‘’- I’m hurting him Li-san.. ‘’

 

     -‘’ The man you love? ‘’ Li asked, and got a nod from Izaya. So he smiled as he covered Izaya with the blanket; ‘’- Then it is a good thing that he is in love with you-‘’  Li caressed Izaya’s hair; ‘’- I heard from Shinra that you have been having nightmares? ‘’  
     -‘’ Yes ‘’ Izaya replied, the slightest thought of them made him shiver.  
     -‘’ Well.. that explains the bags under your eyes- ‘’ The older man’s observation made Izaya smile.

 

Li continued; ‘’- Close your eyes Izaya- ‘’ He gently brought his hand towards Izaya’s eyes and closed the veil decorating the two rubies; ‘’- Since you love them, I will sing you a lullaby that helped me sleep when I was a child ‘’

Izaya obeyed, but asked; ‘’- Were you having nightmares too, Li-san? ‘’

 

‘’- Quite a lot. ‘’

* * *

 

Haruya Shiki was listening to the conversation inside the guest bedroom, he then saw a little girl looking at him with big brown eyes.

She was probably the daughter of one of the women working in here, Shiki’s first thought was that the girl was intimidated by him, as most children are with scary yakuza men –except Mairu, she’s the girl of the amazons appearently-. But with that little but malicious smile on her face, she looked anything but scared.

Shiki’s expression softened for something that could be taken as a smile. Passing through, her mother saw the girl, she bowed respectfully to Shiki –also instructed the girl- and then walked towards the hallway. The girl followed, but didn’t forget to give a little wave to Shiki before she vanished.

 

Shiki heard a familiar voice afterwards, he rested the side of his arm on the door and looked into the room, and confirmed it was Li that was singing a lullaby to Izaya.

 

Though one might think otherwise, dear reader, those gallant shoulders that were hunching slightly as opposed to their usual glorious stance, weren’t a new sight to the executive; _Nor the melody leaving the man’s heart._

 

He saw Li like that after the raid in China, when he sat in a cold morgue room and mourned for his four men that died _that day._ Shiki heard Li murmuring the same melody, it was more aggravated though, he then talked to his men, said his farewells as he referred them as ‘ my children ‘.

 

‘ _Why are the flowers so red?_

_They are irrigated by the blood of youth.. ‘_

 

One might think otherwise, but dying wasn’t an easy thing. Li knew this so well, Dougen Awakusu knew it so well, Shiki learned so well;

 

_Years ago, Shiki saw Dougen Awakusu in a morgue like that too, with five of his men. His men that died because of Shiki’s one mistake. One miscalculation._

_Normally, a small mistake wouldn’t cause this much damage, but that time, it just did, and there wasn’t a way to go back around it._

 

_The head of Awakusu-kai recited a prayer for his men, he then walked to Shiki and clutched him by the collar and jolted him straight;_

_‘’- From now on, you will be carrying the blood of these five men Shiki. And you will not fail again. You no longer have the right to. ‘’_

_He didn’t fail again._

_Because this was what their world; If you failed, you would lose everything._

_Shiki couldn’t see Izaya would fail._

* * *

 

 

When he left the room, Li closed the door after him and gave a smile when he saw Shiki waiting by the door. They started walking towards the meeting room;

 

     -‘’ Never in my life I thought I would see a head of a yakuza sing a lullaby, Li-san ‘’ Shiki commented, which was a lie, but Li didn’t see him at the morgue that day. The other eyed at Shiki teasingly;  
      -‘’ You think you’re the coldest man on God’s earth but I can see the human inside your eyes, Shiki ‘’ Li replied, and added as he opened the door; ‘’- But in my defence, I really love that song. The woman who took care of me used the sing me all the time. Beautiful Uyghur woman, God rests her soul..’’ They sat across each other as the same lady Shiki saw earlier came to serve drinks for them.  
      -‘’ Well, you know what Akabayashi says, Li-san; ‘One second you see the spark of emotion, the other second you see the spark of the dagger.’ It is safer to stay cold. ‘’  
      -‘’ Balance, Shiki, balance- ‘’ Li thanked the woman when she was done, she then left the room after a quick bow. ‘’-  I am not going to tell you about the Ying and Yang, you must have learned at school or something ‘’ Shiki huffed a laugh on that, then brought his glass towards Li’s;  
     -‘’ Cheers, Li-san. To Izaya. ‘’  
     -‘’ To Izaya ‘’ Li agreed.

 

After sipping from the flavorous whiskey, Shiki continued the conversation;

 

    -‘’ Did something happen to your mother, Li-san? ‘’  
    -‘’ Hm? ‘’  
    -‘’ You said an another woman took care of you growing up..’’  
    -‘’ Oh.. well. Yes, unfortunately, _my mother was killed in a government raid when I was nine years old_. That lady I mentioned took care of me from then ‘’  
    -‘’ I am sorry for your loss ‘’ Shiki quietly said, and Li nodded as he reached for the packet of cigarettes on the table. He offered one to Shiki, and took one for himself.  
    -‘’ So you really are _balancing_ , Li-san? ‘’ Shiki asked and watched the Chinese boss look amused as he puffed out his cigarette;  
    -‘’ I was _nine_ , Shiki, I don’t remember anything.’’

 

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxUsu6h58OE> ( yeah that’s the song. )

 

Well, that, was a lie. Or maybe wasn’t. Li really didn’t remember anything most of the time. But sometimes, he would clearly hear _the footsteps coming from the halls of their house, they were loud and were in sequence. No one would miss a beat in military._

_Then he would feel the texture of his mother’s red and gold hanfu on his fingers. That was the most vibrant memory Li had of that day. The texture of a cloth._

_She would hold Li tightly as his father would be preparing Li’s escape and instruct his man to take Li to their Japanese ally. The footsteps would come closer and closer, Li’s heartbeat would beat closer and closer towards his ears_

_But it wouldn’t restrain Li from hearing the last sentences his father said to him before he gave him to the other man’s arms;_

 

_‘ Take our revenge from those who betrayed us, Li. Find ‘The Red Dragon’, and take our revenge.‘_

_Two bullet sounds. Li would be taken away from his home, to a Japanese headquarter, and as his father’s man was carrying him, Li would hear two bullet sounds._

_No one would miss a beat._

 

And Li did took their revenge. He grew up under the care of a Japanese boss doing business in China. He grew up, and when he was eighteen, he found The Red Dragon.

 

Two bullet sounds. Li didn’t miss a beat. He killed The Red Dragon, and tore everything around him into pieces.

It didn’t bring the ones that were taken from him back though.

 

That’s how Li became The Red Dragon himself.

* * *

 

Ch 8.2;  A Family

 

It was the first uninterrupted sleep Izaya had in a long time. He woke up to the sound of his phone ringing. With squinted eyes, he looked at the screen and saw it was almost nine at evening, and that Shizuo was calling him;

    -‘’ Yes, Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya answered with a soft tone, making Shizuo baffle for couple of seconds, because he didn’t expect Izaya to answer;  
    -‘’ I.. um..- ‘’ Shizuo brought his hand to his hair; ‘’- Are you doing alright? Shiki-san told me you were going to stay at a friend’s house tonight‘’  
    -‘’ Yes, I am good, I’ll come in the morning- ‘’ Izaya sat up on the bed; ‘’- Did you get any rest? ‘’  
    -‘’ Yeah I have been sleeping all day, I told Mairu and Kururi to wake me up when they were hungry but Celty brought them sushi, so they didn’t wake me up ‘’ Shizuo gave a silent laugh, all of a sudden, he realised how much he loved the sound of Izaya speaking to him.  
    -‘’ Good.. I’ll see you then ‘’

 

Izaya closed after that, but Shizuo’s lips curled into a smile that seemed like the first sun a flower sees after a storm.

* * *

 

Izaya turned his head and looked at _the child_ sleeping right next to him; ‘’- _Now_ you’re sleeping ha.. ‘’ He murmured and pulled the blankets onto his unreal body. He then dragged his feet outside the door and was greeted by a woman passing by. She stopped and bowed to him; ‘’- Li-san is in the sewing room, I can bring you there if you want, Izaya-san. ‘’

 

 _‘ Sewing room? Is he sewing people or something? ‘ Izaya thought._ He then nodded awkwardly and followed the woman’s steps. She left him by the door.

 

Izaya knocked on the door before walking in, he then bowed as it was a custom; ‘’- I.. um, thank you for taking care of me.. today..- ‘’ He started a sentence but then trailed off slowly when he saw the head of the Chinese-Japanese yakuza doing.. _embroidery_ on a long piece of red cloth.

 

 _Yes, embroidering._ ‘’- L.. Li-san what are you doing? ‘’ Izaya asked. Li looked at Izaya behind the glasses he was wearing; ‘’- Hello, Izaya. I am embroidering as you can see- ‘’ He lifted the long red cloth in his hands to display, then continued on working; ‘’- Did you sleep well? ‘’ He asked but met with death silence, so he stopped doing his needlework and looked at Izaya once again;

 

‘’- Stop looking at me like that, Izaya. I am not going crazy. Sit down, I’ll explain- ‘’ Li pointed the chair beside the ancient looking sewing machine. As ordered, Izaya walked to the chair and his eyes became aware of the countless fabric, kimonos, and three wardrobes of sewing material inside the room. Izaya’s eyes grew larger as the realization hit him;

 

‘’- _This is a sewing room_ ‘’ He exhaled in utter shock. Li lifted his one brow up and cut the excess red thread from the clothing he was working on;

‘’- Oh my, you might have slept a little too long Izaya..’’ He gave a  laugh and looked at the petrified Izaya –who, until couple of seconds ago, for some reason, was thinking that a _sewing room_ was a code for the punishment of people that have betrayed the traditions of yakuza, not a room for.. _actual sewing_ -.

 

Li started explaining;

 

 ‘’- Look Izaya, in my family’s tradition, every child, boy or girl, learns _an actual job_ so that if something happens to the family, or to the head of the family, they can suffice for themselves. So according to what they choose to learn, they go and work under a master of that profession, and they become an apprentice at the age of eight. And I choose to learn tailoring, and now I am doing it as a hobby. Alright? ‘’

 

Still unable to hide the 404 Error on his face – _come on you don’t see a yakuza stitch a pattern on a fabric everyday_ -  - _Izaya witnessed one that stitched on actual skin though..-_ Izaya nodded, then remembered something; ‘’- So.. you not only _sent me_ , but also _tailored_ the suit I wore on my graduation night, Li-san? ‘’

Li hummed a ‘yes ‘.

 

    -‘’ And that red kimono? ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes. And by the way, people don’t need to know about this, _informant-san_. ‘’ Li said and took out his glasses to rest his eyes for some time. Flattered by ‘ _informant-san_ ’, Izaya brought his hand to his hair and tucked a piece of it behind his ear as he examined this old-feely room in detail;  
    -‘’ That’s.. an interesting hobby..’’ He murmured silently and got up from the chair to walk in front of a gorgeous red and gold _hanfu_ standing on a plastic mannequin. He reached his hand and felt the _texture_ of it on his fingertips.  
    -‘’ It passes the time ‘’ Li defended himself, then turned to Izaya;

 

‘’- I don’t know about _your_ hobbies, so I asked Shiki and he told me you liked books. We can go to the library if you want. ‘’

 

Izaya shook his head; ‘’- I.. I wouldn’t want to keep you from what you’re doing-‘’

 ‘’- I can continue there- ‘’ Li carefully folded the red clothing and put his sewing materials on top of it.

 

As the other was  collecting his materials, Izaya spoke; ‘’ It’s.. really beautiful what you’re doing here, Li-san. Also.. I still keep both of your presents. They don’t fit me anymore though.. ’’ He gave a nostalgic smile as he wondered who wore this red clothing in front of him..

Li turned to Izaya; ‘’- Of course they don’t, look at you, you were going to high-school when I left Japan- ‘’ He pushed Izaya towards the tall mirror at the corner of the room and put his hands onto his shoulders; ‘’- You’ve grown so much, Izaya. I am so proud of you. ‘’

 

With a stupid, but a real smile on his face, Izaya looked at himself for some time, then turned his head to the Chinese boss; ‘’- You’re going to make me cry, Li-san..’’

‘’- Well.. then let me add a little criticism there- ‘’ Li took Izaya’s stick-like arms and lifted them like he was a puppet; ‘’- You still need to work on this weight issue of yours. I am already tailoring a new suit for you, and if you go on like that, it’ll probably fall off of you ‘’

 

Izaya’s eyes gleamed as the boss turned and walked towards his materials on the table; ‘’- Can I see it? ‘’ The boy asked following Li’s steps like a cat.

Li picked up the red clothing to his arms; ‘’- No. It’s not finished yet. But you can open the door for me ‘’ He replied and walked to the tall dark-brown door. Izaya ran before him and opened it.

 

The two men started climbing the stairs of the second floor, Izaya then heard a guitar playing in the next room beside the spacious library.

‘’- _The girls are taking guitar lessons, the instructor comes after their work so that’s why they’re playing at night.._ \- ‘’ Was Li’s answer when Izaya asked about it. The other stared at him for some time, which persuaded Li on elaborating;

 

‘’-  I have seven women working for me, Izaya. Two of them has children. This is their house, they’re staying in here- ‘’ Li sat onto the velvet divan inside the library and unfolded the clothing; ‘’- Who do you think handled this massive building when I was gone? They can do whatever they want as long as they bring me alcohol, and a sanitary working place. ‘’

Izaya gave a chuckle on the last sentence, and skipped through the shelves full of old and new books. He took the nostalgic sand, ink and paper scent in them.

 

‘’- So you keep a family in here, Li-san? ‘’ Izaya asked as he pulled out a museum catalogue full of sculptures. Li was already concentrated on the work on his hands, so he hummed a ‘yes ‘, then murmured something so quietly, but Izaya heard it ;

 

‘’- _Just like me, they don’t have anyone_.. ‘’

That sentence was so familiar to Izaya.

 

 

Flipping through the catalogue and listening to Li’s funny stories about bosses all around the world, Izaya realized that he enjoyed being around this _eccentric_ yakuza boss; Li also had many stories about Shinra, which added themselves onto the theories Izaya had on why Shinra turned out like… _Shinra_.

An executive, a yakuza boss who does tailoring as hobby, an underground doctor, a faerie that came from the celtic tales itself, _his sun_ , his sisters and _Haruki_..

Izaya realized it had been too long since he felt like he belonged to a family. It was a warm feeling, like cherries and honey, it was also sweet. He liked being a part of this weird group of people that saw Izaya as family..

 

The night enfolded this massive building into a blue melancholic silence, it broke only when a child spoke or the women in the next room laughed as they talked and played music.

It wasn’t hard to understand why the boss wanted _people_ in here, for in all it’s luxury and gold, this was a quite lonely place. It reminded Izaya of Lady Kovaleva, the thought made Izaya close the book he was reading and hunch a little on the couch.

 

Li saw the boy swimming in deep thoughts, so he gave a little sigh and got up; ‘’- I almost forgot, I actually have a gift for you Izaya ‘’ Izaya was cut from the silence inside his mind, he watched as the Chinese boss walked towards the cabinet and took something out from it.

Izaya let out a mesmerised breath and sat onto his knees when Li walked back and put an antique black vase onto the table in front of them; _The piece had cracks on it that were perfectly filled with gold_ ;

 

‘’- Kintsukuroi? ‘’ Izaya asked as he carefully traveled his two fingers on the cracks; ‘’- _This is beautiful_.. ‘’ He whispered.

 

The vase had no detailing on it. It was simply a black vase that was an antiquity. But what’s making it special were it’s cracks, the irregular trails on it that were dripping in gold. _The repairer of it didn’t threw it when it broke,  he took it, and made something beautiful out of it’s scars._

 

‘’- This reminds me of you- ‘’ Li spoke in a calm tone as he sat down and looked at the piece; ‘’- Do you understand now, why your loved one will not leave you? ‘’

Izaya put his head beside the vase and gave a soft smile; ‘’- Because he finds me beautiful.. ‘’

 

‘’- Let him fill you with gold, Izaya ‘’

 

No art is easy to master, dear reader, but they were going to try anyway.

* * *

 

Ch 8.3;  Truths, Tragedies, Paper and Scissors

 

After he sent the girls to school, Shizuo started waiting for Izaya as he did the dishes. _‘ Must be him’_  He thought and went to open the door when the bell rang.

 

    -‘’ Hello Iz-‘’  
    -‘’ Shizu-chan! ‘’ Izaya carefully placed a box next to the door and _flew_ to Shizuo. He wrapped his arms around him, put his head onto his chest and asked; ‘’- _Will you fill me with gold?_ ‘’ Shizuo’s brows furrowed at the other’s question that came out of nowhere;  
    -‘’ Are you.. high, Izaya? ‘’ His hand went to lift Izaya’s chin up to look into his pupils but Izaya was looking at him anyway, grinning _almost_ like his usual self.  
    -‘’ No, I haven’t shoot anything since yesterday ‘’  
    -‘’ How? Wouldn’t you get sick- ‘’ He then became aware of the little tremor on Izaya’s slender fingers wrapping his shoulders.  
    -‘’ _I am_. ‘’ Izaya said and put his head back to the other’s chest. His hands were trailing Shizuo’s fast heartbeats when he whispered; ‘’- But you will hold me when I get sick.. and if I get nightmares, right? ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes. ‘’ Shizuo didn’t even waited for a second to answer, he hugged Izaya firmly as the other rocked side to side.  
    -‘’ And you will hold me if I scream? Even if I hit you like I did that night.. ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes. ‘’  
    -‘’ You will hold me as I slip into insanity, will you Shizu-chan? ‘’ Shizuo lifted Izaya’s head then, and looked at the two rubies of the hibiscus that shone like they have seen the sunrise after storm;  
    -‘’ You will not go insane. But I would go with you if you wanted me to. ‘’ Shizuo replied, voice refusing to stagger, even though he had so much going on in his heart right now.

 

With that, Izaya broke their hug and held Shizuo’s warm hands. He spoke without escaping his gaze, without breaking the thread that tied their soul forever; ‘’- Then I accept you. ‘’

 

_‘ I accept you. ‘_

 

_That simple sentence worthed more than thousand ‘I love you’s._

* * *

 

 

‘’- These are a lot of books Izaya,  is your friend a book seller or something? ‘’ Shizuo asked as he helped Izaya place the books he brought from _his friend’s_ house. Even though he saw him, Shizuo didn’t know about Li, so Izaya didn’t see a need to reveal him.

‘’- No, he is a tailor ‘’ Izaya replied as he extended a book to Shizuo who was on a ladder. The blond reached to the highest shelf and put the book in there. ‘’- I see ‘’

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks later, it was still raining, on and off, Izaya was still having nightmares that were leaving him unable to speak for couple of days. But now, he wasn’t pushing Shizuo off. He was snuggling to him, and Shizuo was caressing the cracks on Izaya’s chest, _to get to know them more before he filled them with gold_.

He was asking Izaya questions, about the times he was on the streets, about Alexei, about his father.. Izaya was answering some of them, the others he would answer whenever he felt ready.

 

The only questions Izaya was absolutely refusing to answer were about his mother. It wasn’t easy to oversee, Shizuo was hearing Izaya call for his mother in his dreams, he was begging her not to do ‘something’. What was that something?, no matter how hard he tried, Shizuo couldn’t make Izaya say.

 

It was a one rainy night. Shizuo decided to listen Izaya’s soughing whimpers without waking him up.

 

_‘ No.. Don’t..’ , ‘ Don’t mother.. stop.. ‘ ‘ Stop.. please.. I don’t.. ‘ ‘ I don’t see them.. I.. don’t ‘_

_A terrace, a broken sunlight, white tiles. Izaya fell onto his knees, someone was pulling him, trying to take him away ‘ Stop.. please ‘_

 

_The light on the edges of a lovely dark brown hair, a graceful smile;_

_’ Izaya, look! Do you see the butterflies Izaya? Do you see them? ‘’_

 

 _‘ I don’t see them.. I.. I don’t ‘_  ‘’- What are you not seeing Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo whispered into Izaya’s ear and caressed his hair; ‘’- Tell me what you are not seeing ‘’

Izaya’s pleas fell in the rhythm of the rain beating the windows, his lips were quivering, suppresing so many words. ‘ _I don’t..’ ‘ I don’t see the.. butterflies ‘ ‘ Please mother, don’t, please ‘_  Now shaking in horror, Izaya’s body curled into a little ball, like a dying nymph, he wet the creme bedsheets with his torrential tears.

 

_A dark shadow, that shadow covered the broken sunlight, he wombled and stumbled. Wombled and stumbled, wombled and stumbled-_

_‘ Kyouko! ‘_

 

‘ _Stop’_  Izaya started violently picking at his skin, making the ceramic flesh on his arms bleed, and that was when Shizuo stopped him and woke him. Izaya threw himself to the other’s arms and his body shook like a cold waterfall.

 

‘’- I’m sorry Izaya, I’m really sorry ‘’ Shizuo hugged _the hibiscus_ , brushed it’s trembling petals and apologized over and over.

 

Izaya was whimpering deliriously, a thunder pierced through the sky and echoed in the room. It was so hard not to feel the feared clench of Izaya’s ribcage at that second, when the windows in the room growled into their skin..

Shizuo held his heart, held his ocean, held Izaya as he tripped into a paroxysm of stuttering and suffocating; ‘’- She..she was going to fall, sh- she was going to fall Shizuo ‘’ 

 

Shizuo tucked him safely to the side of his neck and nodded as he wiped the sweat piling up on the other’s face.

 

‘’- She was so sick- ‘’ Slender fingers clutched Shizuo’s shirt and faltered, Izaya’s voice weakened as he slowly let his body fall limp on Shizuo’s arms; ‘’- She was so sick Shizuo, It wasn’t her fault ‘’

‘’- What happened Izaya? ‘’ Shizuo asked in a whisper, it harmonized into the sound of rain.

 

Izaya unwrapped his arms then. Slowly, they fall into his lap. Izaya’s fingers found a piece of silk, he rubbed it, brushed his fingers on it. He fell silent, but _a broken sunlight was going up and down, up and down inside his memories._

_‘ You are making a disgrace of me in front of all these people, how dare you Kyouko-‘  Up and down, up and down onto the white tiles, until there was blood on them._

 

‘’- But it’s not her fault that she is sick.. ‘’ Izaya spoke to Shizuo, _but it wasn’t Shizuo that he was speaking_. Carefully, Shizuo held Izaya’s arms and stopped him from hurting his skin;

‘’- What happened, Izaya? ‘’ He asked again, leaning to his red eyes. Izaya looked at him.

 

_‘ A broken sunshine shone into Izaya’s eyes-‘_

‘’- He beat her. ‘’

 

Shizuo’s eyebrows clenched in burning pain, one drop of tear threatened to stray down to his cheek; ‘’- Y..Your father… beat your mother? ‘’ He breathed out the question, or else it would suffocate him.

‘’- Yes. ‘’

 

_A soft breeze was coming into the room from the windows of the hospital room. It was spring, the cherry blossoms were visible outside. Izaya was sitting on the chair next to his mother, he swung his legs back and forth as he listened to her mumblings;_

_‘ Four thousand one hundred and two butterflies, four thousand one hundred and three butterflies, four thousand one hundred and four butterflies..’_

_She has been staying at the hospital since Shirou beat her when her hallucinations aggravated and she almost fell from a terrace of a building while searching for yellow butterflies that weren’t there. Izaya swung his legs back and forth as he listened to his mother;_

_‘ Four thousand one hundred and ten butterflies, four thousand one hundred and eleven butterflies, four thousand one hundred and twelve butterflies.. ‘_

_He then looked at her arms, they were restrained to the bed she was lying on. ‘’ – It’s for her safety, so that she doesn’t hurt herself alright? ‘’ One of the nurses have told Izaya when they binded his mother. Izaya contemplated in his head whether or not it would be better if he freed his mother . He then listened to her question;_

_‘ Do you see the butterfly, Izaya? Look there is one. ‘_

_Izaya didn’t see the butterflies, but replied; ‘’- Yes mother ‘’ But he also didn’t want to lie to his mother, so he closed his eyes and dreamt of one yellow butterfly.._

* * *

 

 

It was almost eleven o’clock at night when Kishtani Shinra finished reading the documents the informant he asked from Shiki brought him. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. His left hand was inside his hair when he called the Awakusu-kai executive;

 

      -‘’ The informant you sent me found everything about Izaya’s father, his sister’s birth certificates, even Izaya’s medical records, but he told me he found nothing about his mother, apart from her birth and..- ‘’ A pause; ‘’- _Death date_.. There’s nothing else-‘’

    -‘’ That’s not possible- ‘’ Shiki brought his cigarette to his lips but then stopped when the realization hit him. ‘’-Unless..’’  
    -‘’ Izaya is hiding the documents. ‘’ The doctor completed the sentence.

* * *

 

 

_The child came back and started counting from where he left earlier._

Izaya let out a series of broken laughs that contrasted with his mournful expression. He rapidly freed his hands from Shizuo and they made a veil on his face when he clenched them inside his black hair; ‘’- I never understood... I.. I always tried to understand wh..why but- ‘’ The light of the moon fell onto the veins on his hands; ‘’- It wasn’t her fault.. that.. she was sick ‘’

 

_‘ You didn’t open the box, why don’t you open the box, why don’t you open the box? ‘ The child asked over and over.._

 

Shizuo could only listen as Izaya’s body collapsed onto itself and his soul fluctuated to reveal the scabs on it; ‘’- He.. he beat her so hard Shizuo, people took her to the hospital-‘’

 

_When all this was over, and when Izaya was healed, Shizuo was going to return his job. People were going to make him angry again, Shizuo was going to prepare his fist to punch them in the face._

_But then he was going to remember Izaya’s words, he was going to remember the indescribable pain in them; ‘ He..he beat her so hard Shizuo ‘_

_Suddenly, he was going to lose the power inside his hands. And instead, he was going to retreat his fist and intimidate the guy a little.._

Izaya seemed to be calming down, the seal on his darkest secret was opened, there wasn’t a turn back; ‘’- She healed there, then she left us.. I didn’t know where she was, I tried to learn but- ‘’ He stopped for a moment and looked at Shizuo;

‘’- O..One day I received a delivery from a _hospital_.. ‘’ Foreseeing the rest, Shizuo hugged Izaya and muffled his next words;

 

‘’- They sent me her belongings Shizuo, in a fucking _box_ , in a pathetic fucking box- ‘’ Izaya held onto Shizuo for dear life; ‘’- My mother died alone Shizuo. I couldn’t.. I couldn’t save her ‘’ He broke into tears and growled in animalistic wails; ‘’-  I tried, I tried.. I tried.. _I tried_ ‘’

Another thunder fell, Shizuo let out the breath he’s been holding and lifted the person in delirium. He took Izaya’s face in his hands and looked at his splotchy skin; ‘’- I want you to scream Izaya ‘’ He said, not exactly knowing what he was saying.

 

Izaya abruptly stilled and just looked at Shizuo; ‘’ – What? ‘’

The other touched Izaya’s face, wiped his tears, brushed his fingers on the pink tints on the frame of his lips and  said; ‘’- Couple of weeks ago you asked me if I could fill you with gold..- ‘’ He fixed Izaya’s hair; ‘’- I can’t do that if you are filled with screams Izaya. I..I want you to empty your cracks ‘’

 

A silence followed Shizuo’s plea, the only sounds were the violent rain and thunder outside. Slowly, Izaya lifted his head up and looked at the ceiling _as the child swung his legs back and forth on a chair and continued on counting._

‘’- Could you.. please open the window Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya asked.

 

Shizuo understood. ‘’- Yes..’’ He unwrapped his arms from Izaya and walked to the window.

* * *

  [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoTI5KzC-YA     ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoTI5KzC-YA)         

Shizuo opened the window and walked back to Izaya. He took him back into his arms; ‘’- Are you ready? ‘’

 

Izaya put his head onto Shizuo’s shoulder and his fingers curled on his shirt; ‘’- Yes. ‘’

 

‘’- Then show me Izaya _. Show me what is it like to be burning and drowning at the same time. Show me the hell you’ve been in_ ‘’

 

The harsh wind made the curtains fly, some raindrops fell inside the bedroom-

An another thunder echoed inside the room.

Izaya screamed the ocean out.

 

There was a flower dying in a vase next to the window, the curtains touched to it, so that they could free the thing living in there.

The vase fell from the little table and shreded into pieces as Izaya screamed.

 

Those nails that Izaya built his life with dug into Shizuo’s skin, every muscle on his petite body hardened, he dug so hard that the marks he left on the back of Shizuo’s shoulders weren’t going to heal for days.

Izaya screamed the ocean out. Until his voice hoarsened, until his throat threatened to bleed, _until he passed out from screaming._

 

Hours later, the rain started to lull. Shizuo felt Izaya going limp on his arms. He realized Izaya’s lungs finally gave out and he fainted.

His heart was racing, and his hands were just a little unsteady as he laid Izaya down onto the bed and stepped out. For a second, he didn’t know where to go, but somehow found his back hitting to the wall on the corner of the room. He just slipped there, down like a heavy raindrop and breathed heavily, but without making any noise.

 

He called Kasuka;

 

    -‘’ Brother? ‘’ Heiwajima Kasuka woke up with his brother’s call and straightened on the bed.  
    -‘’ H-Hey Kasuka.. I.. Did I wake you up? ‘’ Shizuo wasn’t quite aware of the hour until he realized the silence of the city.  
    -‘’ Are you.. crying brother? ‘’ Kasuka asked as he left the room before he awakened his girlfriend; ‘’- You can tell me what’s wrong ‘’  
    -‘’ Am I..? ‘’ Shizuo took his hand towards his face and felt the water on his cheeks; ‘’- oh.. I..-‘’  
    -‘’ What happened, brother? ‘’  
    -‘’ I..-‘’ Shizuo gulped heavily; ‘’- I heard what hell sounds like‘’

 

* * *

 

 

Hours passed, the sunrise he’s been longing finally came and Shizuo put away the bottle he’s been drinking from. He dragged his feet towards the bedroom, everything around him was a little distorted, he then realized the window of Izaya’s study room was left open.

 

He walked inside and saw blank papers that were scattered by the wind. He first closed the window, then collected the white papers. They reminded him of a nostalgia from his childhood, so he took the papers with him and went to the bedroom.

 

The birds were chirping and the rain was over when Izaya woke up. Shizuo was sitting beside him, he was folding a paper on his lap. Izaya’s eyes trailed the edge of the bed and he saw more than twenty paper boats standing there;

‘’- Shizu-chan.. ‘’ He spoke softly not to hurt his throat even more; ‘’- I smell alcohol, did you drink something? ‘’

 

Shizuo stopped and looked at Izaya with guilty eyes; ‘’- I.. Should I leave the bed ? ‘’ He asked.

‘’ No. ‘’ Izaya replied and sat up on the bed. Without disturbing or commenting on the work Shizuo was doing, he put his head to the side of his arm and watched him fold a paper boat, then start a new one.

 

‘’- Would you.. want to do it with me? ‘’  Shizuo asked after a silence filled with sunlight. Izaya nodded, so Shizuo handed a paper to him. He didn’t gave instructions, Izaya just watched him and copied his movements..

 

With the courage the alcohol gave, Shizuo asked another thing; ‘’- Did you.. wanted to be with me.. because you wanted to understand your father, Izaya? S-Since we’re both violent.. ‘’

‘’- No. ‘’ Izaya replied as he finished one paper boat and took the second paper Shizuo gave him.

 

Shizuo accepted the answer with a little nod and asked an another question; ‘’- You hid your hallucinations because you were afraid that.. someone would hurt you because of it? ‘’

‘’- Yes. ‘’ There were no lies anymore.

 

Two so-called adults just sat there and made at least thirty more paper boats, putting them everywhere around the room. Izaya finished an another one, then closed his eyes;

‘’- I love you. ‘’

 

This was the first time Izaya said those three words to Shizuo.

 

 

_I was a lost child. One time, I loved a paper boat._

_Today, my paper boat loved me back._

 

 

‘’- Thank you ‘’ Shizuo said, making Izaya open his eyes and see two droplets of tear fall onto the paper boat on Shizuo’s lap.

 

‘’- _Let’s make nine thousand of these, Shizu-chan_ ‘’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I linked while revealing Li's past (and the song Li sang to Izaya) is originally an interlude in a 60's Chinese spy film (so it's not a lullaby but lemme go with it plz) and '' Why are the flowers so red? They are irrigated by the blood of youth '' is a line in it that really affected me. 
> 
> btw ''red'', was a heavy symbolism in this chapter, lemme know if you'd like me to explain further..
> 
> But I used that line while telling the um.. 'tragedies' of yakuza. In Shiki's scene, we also saw a flashback and I hinted juuuuuuuuuust a little that Shiki is feeling a silent guilt caused by letting Izaya in yakuza world instead of pushing Izaya to go to university.. 
> 
> So.. How do you find my perspective of the yakuza world? 
> 
> We also learned the secret behind ''the yellow butterfly '' and the meaning of nine thousand.. You see, the thing that followed Izaya throughout this story is actually linked to a one event that left the most scars in Izaya's soul, eventually leading Izaya to hide his own pains to avoid further pain.. I hope I was succesfull telling that part using half ''dreamy'' flashbacks, half Shizuo asking Izaya ''what happened '' over and over..
> 
> Finally, I am already sure you understood why I wanted to write the scenes taking place in Li's house (or the palace of Caserta, man this guy is so gay so extra I love it ) so I am not going to explain much about that..  
> If you have any questions, a review, an opinion, anything you want to express, you can comment :3<3 thank you


	9. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya starts withdrawing from drugs. We learn that even when you accept someone, it's sometimes still so hard to open your heart and let your beloved one touch it. Especially when your heart is in ablaze; Wouldn't Shizuo's fingers burn if he touches it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally this chapter had 11k+ words but I was like NOnONoNo we're cutting into half; Because it's not worth it y'know, I post a chapter with 11k words and it stays on the main (index) page just for a day.. And when it falls to the second page, my views drop. So as a new marketing strategy ( you think I don't care about that? eheh) I decided to cut the chapter and I'll post a side chapter (consisting of 4-5k words) in one or two days to make the fanfic stay on the main page a little longer..
> 
> I am having the hardest times of my life my god.. I will have an announcement in the next chapter.. Thanks so much for reading :3
> 
> Notes; I pointed out the last paragraph of the fourth chapter from House of The Rising Sun. 
> 
> 2\. About the source I used while writing drug withdrawal; http://officialnodsquad.tumblr.com/post/123408604285/jades-ultimate-guide-to-surviving-physical-opiate
> 
>  
> 
> I listened to Arstidir- Lover while writing this chapter ^.^

Ch 9;  _When we lose ourselves, we have to find someone to find us…_

 

The next day, Shinra, Shiki and Li were in front of Izaya’s apartment.

 

On the sound of the bell ringing, Shizuo got up from the kitchen chair and went to open the door. His one brow arched at the sight of a very frustrated Shinra;

    -‘’ Where’s Izaya? ‘’ The doctor asked as Shizuo let the rest of the guests in.  
    -‘’ He’s resting. The last night was.. rough. He saw nightmares..'’ His voice quitened with the reminders of the last night, so Shizuo let out a harsh breath. Shiki looked at him;  
    -‘’ Yeah.. I can see that from your face, Heiwajima. Look at your eyes, have you slept? ‘’

As an answer, Shizuo shook his head.

 

The four men walked to the kitchen and Shizuo started preparing coffee. Both Li and Shiki’s brows clenched at the numerous amount of paper boats scattered everywhere on the kitchen.. With the added sight of two empty bottles of liquor on the counter, it was quite obvious that neither of these boys were managing the situation alright. Shiki rubbed his eyes;

 

‘’- I am not asking, please you go ahead Li-san ‘’ With that, Li asked, taking a one paper boat and examining it at the same time;

 

     -‘’ What are these boats are about Heiwajima? ‘’ On the Chinese man’s question Shizuo turned, his one hand was at the back of his neck;  
    -‘’ I.. um.. suggested doing it. You know those theurapatic things or whatever- ‘’  
    -‘’ Yeah.. ‘’ Shinra acknowledged as he took out cups from the cupboards. Shizuo continued;  
    -‘’ It kind of worked I guess, Izaya has been doing these since morning..-‘’ Shizuo also took one and placed it next to the boiling kettle; ‘’- He stopped talking to me at one point, though..’’  
    -‘’ I see..’’ Li nodded and turned to Shiki’s unamused face; ‘’- Whatever works, Shiki..’’ He shrugged and said.

 

After serving the coffees and taking seats, Shinra started explaining the situation;

     -‘’ Couple of weeks ago I asked from an informant to find me Izaya’s and his family’s medical records. And he found that.. Izaya’s mother is _no longer alive-_ ‘’  
     -‘’ Yes- ‘’ Shizuo looked at Shinra and nodded; ‘’- I know, I..I learned last night. Seems like his mother died in a _some kind of an hospital_..’’ He said and accepted the cigarette Shiki extended to him. Shinra joined his hands together on the table;  
     -‘’ And that’s something I didn’t know- ‘’ He said. Shizuo lit his cigarette and looked at Shinra with a puzzled expression; ‘’- What do you mean? ‘’  
     -‘’ Izaya is hiding everything about his mother, Shizuo-kun. Documents, hospital records, even the ones in the network data. ‘’

 

On that, Shizuo closed his eyes and let out a harsh trail of smoke; ‘’- _fuck_.. Of course..- ‘’ _He is hiding everything because he is blaming himself._ He massaged his forehead and started explaining whatever he managed to understand from Izaya last night;

‘’- Um.. his father.. looks like Izaya wasn’t the only person he was.. _torturing._ Izaya told me that his father beat his mother so.. she left them- ‘’

‘’- He beat the poor woman because she was sick? That’s it? ‘’ Shiki cut Shizuo and asked, he was long pissed off to the unending incidents of this despicable man. As an answer, Shizuo nodded, taking an another drag from the cigarette and dropping his eyes to the table.

 

Shiki crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair; ‘’- I swear to God I’ll find this man..’’ He murmured angrily under his breath. Shizuo continued;

‘’- Izaya told me that after he left home, he looked for his mother but.. he couldn’t find her..-‘’ Under the weight of the oncoming sentence, he brushed his thumb on the table and closed his eyes;

‘’- He learned his mother’s death by a delivery from an hospital.. The hospital sent him his mother’s.. stuff, you know.. ‘’ Shizuo rubbed his eyes and hid the tremor in his voice, Izaya’s pained screams were still inside his head;

 

_‘’ I tried, I tried Shizuo.. I tried..-‘’_

_‘’ Why my mother died alone Shizuo? Why couldn’t I save her? Why? ‘’_

‘’- oh for fuck’s sake..’’ Shiki leaned and took a cigarette for himself as Shinra slowly got up from the chair and walked to the window. Shizuo lifted his head up and came eye to eye with Li’s eyes. _The man that cold bloodedly shot Alexei had the same heaviness and burden inside his eyes, he had Izaya’s eyes._ Their attention then slided to Shinra’s words;

‘’- He needs to quit drugs- ‘’ Shinra turned and faced the three man sitting at the kitchen table; ‘’- The first medicine I gave him didn’t work because of them.. or maybe the drugs themselves are the cause of his hallucinations.. I can’t know if he doesn’t stop using them.. ‘’

Shiki nodded but asked; ‘’- You think he can manage it? You saw the kid, wouldn’t it be hard on his body? ‘’

‘’- He has to manage- ‘’ Shinra took a long breath and added; ‘’- Before he loses himself inside his head. ‘’

 

Crushing his cigarette into the ashtray, Shizuo nodded and looked at Shiki; ‘’- He is fading away in front of my eyes, Shiki-san.. Everday..- ‘’ He fell silent for a second, but then a smile found itself on his lips; ‘’- But I know he can do it. He is my Izaya.. he can do it ‘’

 

Li crossed his legs and put his elbow to the side of the chair; ‘’- That’s the spirit! ‘’ He exclaimed, dissolving the heavy air inside the room in an instant

‘’- Spirit of being hopelessly in love? If that’s the case I can see it Li-san ‘’ Shiki said and pointed Shizuo; ‘’- Right there. ‘’

‘’- Ah.. You’re always pessimistic Shiki.. No wonder you can’t find a woman for yourself- ‘’ Li narrowed his eyes and added quietly towards the other; ‘’- _Or a man.._ ’’ He then looked at Shinra;

‘’- Tell us your plan then, Shinra ‘’

 

The underground doctor walked back and sat to the chair; ‘’- Since he will withdraw from opiates, meaning painkillers, the first three to six days will be really hard.. Shizuo will take care of Izaya in those days, then I am thinking Shiki-san and Li-san can keep an eye on Izaya, in turns..-‘’

‘’ – I can handle it Shinra, you don’t need to give trouble..-‘’ As Shizuo was objecting, Shinra took out his phone and opened the front camera. He then turned the screen to Shizuo; ‘’- Look at yourself, Shizuo-kun ‘’

Seeing the condition of his undereyes and overall _face_ , Shizuo took a step back; ‘’- Oh.. I see.. ‘’

 

‘’- Izaya is my son, Heiwajima.. and it’s the same for Li-san too- ‘’ Shiki looked at the Chinese boss, ignoring the man’s mistakes for a second for the sake of making a point. Li nodded; ‘’- He is important, and he will never be a trouble to us. ‘’ He finished Shiki’s sentence.

‘’- Good. So that’s settled..‘’ Shinra put away his phone and stood up; ‘’- Let’s see if Izaya is awake, so that I can explain my plan to him.. Li-san, would you accompany me? ‘’

‘’- Of course ‘’

* * *

 

_‘ If you tried harder you could find her.. ‘_

_‘ You could find her, it’s your fault, your fault! ‘ The child yelled as he kicked the wardrobe; ‘ You killed my mother, you killed her-‘_

 

Izaya lifted his head up and looked at the child; ‘’- She was my mother too.. We’re the same person ‘’ He said and continued on folding a paper boat.

 

_With an absolutely disgusted look inside his red eyes, the child walked to Izaya and stood in front of him; ‘ No.. I am not you. You’re stained, you’re dirty.. ‘ He started crying and pointed the paper boat on Izaya’s lap; ‘ You have blood on your hands ‘_

His words felt like a crack of whip, a shiver ran up to Izaya’s spine, he closed his eyes and gulped down the bile in his stomach; ‘’- Shut up..’’ The paper in his hands crumbled so he took an another paper and restarted the process.

 

_‘Five thousand two hundred and eight butterflies‘, ‘ Five thousand two hundred and nine butterflies..‘ ‘ You deserve it, you deserve everything that’s happened to you’ The child took his face inside his palms; ‘ I’m hurting.. ‘_

_‘ I’m hurting, do something.. do something Izaya.. ‘ He sobbed; ‘ Do something.. ‘_

 

He was so lost inside the child’s pleas and screams that, Izaya didn’t hear the knock on his door.. When Izaya didn’t answer, Shinra quietly opened the door and extended his head to the room; He saw his friend rocking back and forth and folding a paper boat with movements that were rigid and concentrated.

Shinra walked to Izaya; ‘’- Izaya? ‘’ He kneeled in front of him and cautiously put his hands onto his knees.

 

‘’- Shinra? ‘’ Izaya’s fingers instinctively curled on the paper on his lap; ‘’- Wh..Why are you here? ‘’ He looked around the room; ‘’- Li-san.. ‘’ He recognized the Chinese man standing next to the door too.

_‘ They are going to take you, just like mother, you’re going to end up like her’ ‘ You’re going to die alone Izaya-‘_

 

Shinra looked at his friend’s almost gray face and violently shaking hands, he then took out a napkin from his pocket and wiped the sweat on his forehead. It was obvious, _Izaya was already in withdrawal_ ; ‘’- How long you haven’t shoot anything, Izaya? ‘’

Izaya stuttered; ‘’- Th..This is the third day..’’ He then wiped his watery eyes and added; ‘’- B-But I’m okay..I’m okay..’’ He gave his attention back to the paper on his lap. Shinra sighed;

‘’- Why are you hiding it from Shizuo? ‘’

 

Izaya folded the corners of the paper; ‘’- He.. he doesn’t sleep if I don’t.. he doesn’t eat if I don’t- ‘’ Some uncalled tears fell from his eyes and made translucent circles on the paper. Izaya looked at Li; ‘’- I know I said I was going to accept his help but.. _I_ deserve punishment.. Not him. ‘’ He then dropped his eyes back to his knees.

‘’- Why do you think you deserve punishment? You haven’t done anything wrong, Izaya..’’

 

Izaya was shaking like a candle’s flame, longing for the morning so that he could burn out.. He looked like the sand in the burning desert, waiting for the wind so that it could scatter away..; ‘’- I.. could save her Shinra.. I could maybe if I..- ‘’ Shinra cut Izaya’s words and hugged him tightly;

‘’- You couldn’t.. you were crawling in hell, Izaya, stop torturing yourself, please..’’

 

Li walked towards the chair at the corner of the room and placed it next to Izaya; ‘’- Why did you hide the documents, Izaya? ‘’ He asked the question Shinra was unable to ask at the moment.

‘’- I..’’ Slowly, Izaya slipped out from the hug and brought his paper boat towards his chest;

 

‘’- I freed her. ‘’

 

 

_‘ Five thousand two hundred and fifteen butterflies ‘ ‘ Five thousand two hundred and sixteen butterflies’  The child was sobbing in pain now, he counted in agitated screams; ‘ Five thousand two hundred and seventeen butterflies..’_

 

    -‘’ Was it supposed to hurt this much, Shinra? ‘’ Izaya asked, his eyes pleading like a bird trapped in a cage.. Shinra dropped his face and shook his head;  
    -‘’ I don’t know, Izaya..‘’ _I didn’t lose my mother, she just.. left me.._

 

‘’- Yes. ‘’  Shinra and Izaya looked at Li when he answered Izaya’s question; ‘’- It hurts that much Izaya..- ‘’ He gave a little smile as he lifted his finger towards his chest; ‘’- Around here.. in your left side, it burns sometimes.. sometimes you forget but it’s always there- ‘’ He then lowered his finger from his heart and added;

 

‘’- But nothing changes the fact that it happened, Izaya.. _It will not change if you burn everything, every document, every letter_.. And the pain will not go away even if you burn yourself. ‘’ _Even if you torture yourself._

 

Shinra took out his glasses and started walking towards the door; ‘’- I’ll tell Celty to bring non-opiate painkillers for you. You can take them but don’t force your liver, okay?.. ‘’ He sniffed and took out his phone as he walked out the door.

 

Clutching the paper boat for dear life, Izaya faintheartedly asked a question; ‘’- Was that.. your mother’s hanfu that I saw in the sewing room, Li-san? ‘’

Li nodded and sat next to Izaya; ‘’- Yes. ‘’ The paper boat slipped and dropped beside Izaya’s feet as Izaya put his head to Li’s shoulder and cried silently with pain of withdrawal all over him; ‘’- So you never tried to forget, never tried to.. hide? ‘’

Li caressed Izaya’s hair; ‘’- No.. of course I tried to forget- ‘’ He closed his eyes and let out a long breath; ‘’- After my mother was.. _killed_ , I found that _hanfu_.. and I re-embroidered it..-‘’ He then lifted Izaya’s head up and wiped his tears;

‘’- But you still saw the bloodstains in that dress, didn’t you, Izaya? ‘’ _No matter how much I tried to hide them;_ ‘’- Do you understand? ‘’

 

_‘ Five thousand two hundred and sixty butterflies ‘, ‘ Five thousand two hundred and sixty one butterflies..’_

 

Izaya gave a little nod and his eyes trailed _the child walking to the open window, he crossed his arms and put his head on them. He watched the white dove flying in the bright blue sky_.. All of a sudden, a breeze brought the beautiful scent of jasmine, and despite it being a yet another hallucination, Izaya’s lips curled into a smile;

‘’- Whenever my mother put my head on her knees, her hair would tingle my face..-‘’ As his mother’s scent was filling his lungs and soothing his aching limbs for a brief moment, Izaya closed his eyes; ‘’- Right here- ‘’ He brought his slender fingers to his cheek;

‘’- And that would make me so happy,  Li-san..-‘’ Izaya opened his eyes and looked at Li; ‘’- I just wanted that.. and nothing else..’’  He crawled on the bed with slow movements and lied down onto the soft sheets, everything felt cold, withdrawal was like a ghost chained into the dark alleyways, it was like a night under a streetlight, it was as cold as Alexei’s hands..

 

Li pulled the sheets onto Izaya as the boy hugged himself; ‘’- But they didn’t even give that to you, didn’t they Izaya? ‘’

_‘ I want mother.. ‘ The child murmured; ‘ I want mother, Izaya ‘_

 

‘’- It hurts so much Li-san..’’ Izaya listened to the birds outside as shivers ran to his body and filled him with cold sweat..

Li rubbed the boy’s back; ‘’- The worst part starts now, Izaya.. But we’re all here.. You’ll make it. ‘’

* * *

 

‘’- What do you mean he’s already withdrawing? ‘’ Shizuo’s brows clenched when Shinra sat down next to Shiki and gave the news. Shinra checked the messages on his phone and talked;

‘’- He told me he didn’t shoot anything in the past three days. He successfully hid it from you, but now the real pain starts so I messaged Celty to bring some medicine for him..- ‘’ He then asked; ‘’- Izaya told me that if he didn’t ate or slept you wouldn’t too, is that true Shizuo-kun? ‘’

 

‘’- Well..- ‘’ Shizuo let out a harsh breath and leaned back in the chair; ‘’- The food doesn’t exactly go down your throat when the person you love is in pain, Shinra ‘’

‘’- There, I told you- ‘’ Shiki extended for an another cigarette; ‘’- Hopelessly and foolishly in love.. ‘’ He lit the cigarette and talked;

‘’- Look, Heiwajima.. It’s not that hard; You will take care of yourself, and so Izaya will take care of himself. And when you take care of yourself, you will take care of Izaya, and Izaya will take care of you when necessary..’’

 

‘’- I.. understand, Shiki-san ‘’ Shizuo nodded and replied.

‘’- That was actually pretty confusing, Shiki-san-‘’  Putting the phone aside, Shinra took out a pen and paper; ‘’- Now.. apart from the muscle ache, cramps and nausea, Izaya’ll experience insomnia and he could get sudden mood swings so be prepared..- ‘’ He wrote down little notes as he talked; ‘’ – Try to make him eat whenever you can, and always have water near you..’’

 

Shizuo nodded, grateful for the notes Shinra was writing, because his brain was screaming for sleep and he was sure he wouldn’t remember many of these things later..

 

‘’- And lastly, since this is all a chemical inbalance in his brain, he might have.. suicidal thoughts or tendencies.. so try not to leave him alone for long periods of time..’’

‘’- Okay..’’ Shizuo bit his lip and extended for his packet of cigarettes, but Shinra caught them from his hand;

 

‘’- You don’t need cigarettes Shizuo-kun, you need sleep. Come on- ‘’ He poked Shizuo,  causing him to stand up, and walked him towards the couch in the living room; ‘’- I’ll be around for some time, so don’t worry ‘’

‘’- But-‘’

 

At the same time Shiki was walking out of the kitchen too; ‘’- I need to go and visit the gallery, I’ll see Izaya and go if you are handling everything for today? ‘’

Shinra nodded as he extended the blanket standing next to the couch to Shizuo; ‘’- Everything is handled, Shiki-san ‘’  Shizuo also gave a slight bow of his head; ‘’- Thank you..’’

 

‘’- Good then.. Let's hope this will work. ‘’

* * *

 

Ch 9.1; _Hope_

 

The outside was dark when Shizuo woke up. Without turning the lights on, he first stretched his limbs, then vacantly stared at the windows; To the cars, to the people, to the neon lights and to the city preparing for a long night..

_‘ Will everything be okay? ‘_

_‘ Will Izaya make it? ‘_  The city reminded Shizuo of the things he’s been forgetting about; He quit his job after that horrible incident at the woods, he hasn’t been seeing Tom or Vorona or any of his friends for that matter.. And he hardly ever called his parents; Which was something he wouldn’t neglect normally.

 

Shizuo sighed and took out his phone. The hour wasn’t so late, so he called his mother;

      -‘’ Hey, mother.. ‘’  
      -‘’ Shizuo, how are you? Ah.. neither of you boys are calling us lately, father is getting upset you know..-‘’ Shizuo then heard his father’s voice; ‘’- _I am not upset Namiko, I know my boys are busy_. ‘’

A little smile found itself on his lips as Shizuo massaged his neck; ‘’- Sorry I have been.. um.. dealing with things. I’m fine..- ‘’ He paused for a second; ‘’- Yeah..’’

 

      -‘’ You don’t sound fine- ‘’ His mother observed very well; ‘’- You can talk to me.. Is there something wrong with.. um.. the boy you’re living with? Kasuka told me about some things but.. ‘’  
     -‘’ He is my boyfriend, mother. It has been years, please ‘’  
     -‘’ Ah yes.. Well, your father and I still getting used to it. But we love you and accept you, right papa? ‘’ Namiko turned and eyed at Kichirou Heiwajima; ‘’- Yeah..’’ Kichirou agreed, still a bit reluctant, but he wanted his son to be happy –and not go into jail-. With that, Namiko continued; ‘’- So tell me what is bothering you, Shizuo ‘’

 

Shizuo turned and sat back to the couch. He sighed and ruffled his hair into a mess; ‘’- I..um..- ‘’ He waited for a moment for the words to come; ‘’- You know there are lots of things I can’t tell you mother- ‘’

 

     -‘’ You were never an open child Shizuo. It’s okay.. ‘’  
     -‘’ Yeah- ‘’ Shizuo huffed a breathy laugh, then rubbed his eyes; ‘’- He’s.. People have hurt him so much, mother.. but.. he never lets me see his pain- ‘’ Shizuo played with the edge of the faint pink blanket; ‘’- I think he doesn’t know _how to_ do it because he’s always been alone and.. always dealt with everything by himself..’’  
     -‘’ And..? ‘’  
     -‘’ And now he can’t do it himself, _he doesn’t need to_. How do I make him realize mother?- ‘’ Shizuo’s glance slided leftwards; ‘’- How do I make him accept me _fully?_ ‘’

 

With a soft smile on her face, Heiwajima Namiko sat beside her husband; ‘’- You don’t tell, Shizuo. You ask. Over and over, until he’s comfortable to open his heart. ‘’ She ran her free hand along the side of her husband’s arm. Heiwajima Kichirou gave a grin; ‘’- Or until he’s tired..’’ He murmured.

‘’- I love him so much, mother ‘’ Shizuo hunched a little, some of his blond hair fell towards his eyes; ‘’- I don’t want to lose him..but he is losing _himself._.- ‘’ He gulped and lowered his voice like he didn’t want to let the walls hear;

‘’- I.. I don’t know if he will make it.. ‘’

 

Listening to the last section of the conversation, Kichirou’s brows slightly clenched. He took the phone from his wife; ‘’- Hear me, Shizuo. When you fall in love this hopelessly, you have two things in your hands; You have love, we know that, but you also have _hope_. When you find yourself despairing, you should cling onto hope. There is nothing wrong with that. ‘’

Shizuo dropped his lids and gave a sad smile; ‘’- But he doesn’t believe in hope, father. He believes in working, he believes in fighting until.. I don’t know.. passing out? You always showed me stars and made me wish for things.. but..- ‘’ Something stuck to his throat;

 

 ‘’- No one showed him the stars, father ‘’

 

Kichirou smiled to himself and turned his head to see the stars outside; ‘’- Then you show him. ‘’

Shizuo’s head turned towards the window. He saw the white stars gleaming in little sparkles..

 He smiled and nodded to himself; ‘’- Okay..- ‘’ He cleaned his throat; ‘’- I will. ‘’

 

 

_The thing that broke inside Izaya that day, when he laid under his first customer, then his next, and next.._

_Was hope._

_This world broke his hope, took his stars and crushed them into pieces so little, so fragile.._

_Shizuo was going to bring them back together, one by one, it didn’t matter how hurtful or hard it was going to be.. He was going to show him._

_Heiwajima Shizuo, his sun in the cloudy air, was going to show Izaya the stars.._

* * *

 

 

After the phone call, Shizuo smoked a cigarette and ate a quick snack.. He then walked to the bedroom, where Shinra and Izaya were talking in quiet whispers. He rested the side of his arm to the door and listened;

 

      -‘’ I haven’t been able take care of them properly.. Are their schoolwork okay, is there something bothering them? I don’t know.. ‘’ Izaya murmured and clutched the edge of the pillow tightly; ‘’ – I am failing at being a good brother, Shinra..’’  
     -‘’ You don’t have to worry about your sisters right now, focus on yourself. My beloved Celty is always talking to them, and she’s been teaching them English.. They are the top of their class in English now- ‘’ Shinra proudly said and took the clean towel next to him. He wiped his friend’s forehead clean from the cold sweat he’s been draining in and continued; ‘’- You are the both most selfish and the most selfless person I have ever known, Izaya.. Like, even when you think about yourself, you’re still thinking about your sisters or Shizuo.. – ‘’ Shinra huffed a silent laugh, and though he knew it wasn’t going to help even a bit, he still caressed Izaya’s soaked black hair.

 

He continued; ‘’- And.. I remember when you deliberately failed the last test of high-school so that I become the honour student of that year- ‘’

‘’- You deserved that, Shinra.. I came in the second year, I wasn’t going to take the thing you worked hard for ‘’ Without opening his eyes, Izaya cut Shinra and said. His voice had no edge.

 

Under the layer of two heavy blankets, Izaya’s shoulders were still trembling. Shinra put his hand onto the blanket; ‘’- It’s true that I have worked to be the honour student, but you still passed me with earned grades, Izaya-‘’ Shinra felt the fur-like texture of the blanket on his fingertips; ‘’- You act like you don’t deserve anything good.. And maybe it’s because people have always told you that. But you and your sisters deserve the worlds, Izaya. And I am so glad that you’re my friend.’’

Under the darkness of the blankets, Izaya curled to himself even more and smiled despite the earthquakes inside his chest; ‘’- Thank you, Shinra.. For everything..’’

 

‘’- It’s nothing..’’ Shinra fixed his glasses and threw a look to the door; ‘’- But I wonder how did your boyfriend over there graduated? Hm? ‘’ He grinned smugly to Shizuo.

‘’- Izaya blackmailed the math teacher-‘’ Shizuo said and walked towards the bed; ‘’- You can shut the fuck up about it, Shinra ‘’

‘’- But it’s still so funny, Shizuo-kun ‘’ Shinra gave a chuckle and took out his phone to see the text Celty sent him.

‘’-.. And the biology teacher, and the physics teacher, the poor geography teacher..’’ Izaya mumbled the rest of the blackmail list as Shizuo sat to the bed and opened the blanket on Izaya’s face just a little.

 

Seeing Izaya this hurt all over embittered the ablaze inside his chest. Shizuo touched Izaya’s pale face and brushed away the black locks of hair sticking onto it; ‘’- My grades for history were higher than the two of you- ‘’ He put a light kiss to Izaya’s cheek; ‘’- I keep my pride on that. ‘’ Izaya gave a little smile in return but he was in no shape to move because of the cramping in his stomach.

Shizuo extended his arm to the nighstand and took the white towel on top of it. There was also a water bottle, an half-finished glass of juice and a one paper boat next to it. He wiped away the sweat on Izaya’s face, arms, then tucked the towel under the cotton shirt he was wearing.

 

‘’- Ah.. My dear Celty is waiting outside..- ‘’ Shinra put his phone back to his pocket; ‘’- I put the medicine to the counter, Shizuo-kun. I already gave him two but he can take two more at night- ‘’ He then walked to Izaya and kneeled in front of him;

 ‘’- Try to eat something before the nausea starts, alright? And.. if you get panicky, it’s because the adrenaline in your body is running high right now- ‘’

 

Izaya nodded, Shinra said one more thing;

‘’- You’re safe. Shizuo is with you. ‘’

* * *

 

After escorting Shinra to the door, Shizuo came back and lied down next to Izaya. He gently put his arm under Izaya’s head and hugged him.

‘’- I’m sweaty Shizuo..- ‘’ Izaya made a move to pull himself back but Shizuo shook his head; ‘’- It’s okay. ‘’

 

With that, Izaya relaxed around him, his shaky fingers trailed Shizuo’s jawline and neck; ‘’- I have two blankets on me but I’m still freezing..’’ He murmured, so his sun embraced him more warm..

 

Together, they listened to the unknown waves of an illusory ocean, as harsh winds surrounded Izaya’s body and whipped his tired limbs into restless tremors. The stars mirrored the uninvited tears on his eyes, their woes were the whimpers that escaped from Izaya’s dry lips.. Hours passed..

More than three hours until sunrise, Izaya started rocking back and forth in Shizuo’s arms..

 

‘’- You’re in so much pain Izaya.. I wish I could just.. take all of it. ‘’ Shizuo said as he lightly massaged Izaya’s abdomen, then his legs.

Izaya’s lids barely seperated, but he lifted his head and brushed his lips to Shizuo’s, like a desert flower thirsty for water; ‘’- I can handle it..I can..’’ His brows clenched as cramps ran lower his body; ‘’- I..I need to ‘’ 

 

He then switched his position and faced the ceiling, the child’s counting was echoing inside his ears as he placed his hands to the sides of his head on the pillow; ‘ _Five thousand eight hundred and ninty one butterflies‘ , ‘ Five thousand eight hundred and ninty two butterflies.. ‘_

 

Shizuo came in front of Izaya’s eyes; ‘’- Would you like me to bring a painkiller to you? Shinra said you could take two more.. ‘’

Izaya shook his head and curled his lips into a smile as he brought his hand to Shizuo’s hair and played with it; ‘’- I love you..’’ He said, then repeated couple of times like a mad man chanting a made-up prayer for the sun; ‘’- I love you..’’

 

Shizuo bit his lip and nodded; ‘’- Thank you ‘’  He watched as Izaya slowly lost himself over the pain. _There were three hours until sunrise.._

 

‘’- I love you..- ‘’ He gave a weak laugh; ‘’- I didn’t know.. It’s sounds so good.. C-Can I say it couple of times more? ’’ His hand threatened to fall from Shizuo’s cheek, but Shizuo catched it; ‘’- Okay.. ‘’ 

    -‘’ I love you.’’  
    -‘’ Thank you.’’

‘’ I love you ‘’, ‘’ Thank you .. ‘’

 

‘’- I love you..’’

‘’- Thank you ‘’

.

.

.

Some birds gifted their melodies to the earth, couple of tears fell from Shizuo’s eyes, and merged into the ones on Izaya’s face. Izaya’s fingers were tightly wrapped to the side of Shizuo’s arm, his teeth clenching, and his body was stiff with convulsions;

‘’- I love you ‘’ He repeated, his eyes clinging to Shizuo’s, along with his whole being. The first ray of sunshine fell into the room, tracing the carpet and making a burnt-orange sea for the paper boat standing on the nightstand.

A thin thread of blood trailed down from Shizuo’s arm where Izaya’s been holding for the past three hours; ‘’- Thank you..’’ Shizuo repeated as the thread of blood trailed past Izaya’s fingers and wrapped Shizuo’s; _In health and sickness_ , their red thread of silk engaged them into the love.

Izaya finally unwrapped his fingers, he brushed and lowered his hand alongside Shizuo’s arm, then put his hand on top of Shizuo’s hand;

 

‘’- It hurts so much.. _I’m so scared Shizuo_. ’’

‘’- I know. ‘’       

 

He finally confessed.

* * *

 

 

After Izaya ate an half a serving of soup with great difficulty, Shizuo gave him the over the counter medicine that Shinra left earlier. They weren’t the biggest help but they could alleviate his symptoms.. Izaya gulped down the medicine with the water, Shizuo took the empty glass when Izaya extended back to him.

 

As they were waiting for the medicine to work, Shizuo helped Izaya to get rid of his clothes, then since he was too sick to get into shower, he wiped his chest and shoulders with a damp towel before dressing him into new clothes.. Izaya was silent all the time, but his eyes followed Shizuo’s movements and his lips looked like he wanted to say so many things.. Shizuo accompanied him in his silence as the city of Shinjuku woke up for good and a new day started..

 

Izaya opened the windows and let the fresh air in as Shizuo changed the bedsheets. _‘ Six thousand one hundred and ninty eight butterflies ‘, ‘ Six thousand one hundred and ninty nine butterrflies ‘ The child was right behind Izaya, he pulled the edge of the cotton robe Izaya was wearing; ‘ Ne.. I want to see too ‘_  Izaya turned and gave the scenery to the child and sat next to Shizuo who was smoking a cigarette;

 

Izaya kissed the side of his forehead; ‘’- I’ll be alright for couple of hours.. You should get some rest. ‘’

Shizuo offered Izaya a cigarette; ‘’- You sure? ‘’ Izaya nodded and took the lighter Shizuo gave him.

 

‘’- Well.. Just for an hour alright?-‘’ Shizuo laid down onto the fresh lilac sheets and closed his eyes; ‘’- Wake me after that ‘’

‘’- Okay..’’

 

 

For the next two hours, Izaya chain-smoked and listened to the child. The sleep was forbidden to him, _the chained ghosts in the alleyways have taken it from him_ ; When his nausea started, Izaya silently went to the bathroom and closed the door. The child followed.

 

 _‘ Always the same thing. What happened Izaya? What happened? ‘ The child asked as_ Izaya kneeled in front of the closet and let the cold tiles bit his knees.

_‘ What happened Izaya? What happened? ‘_

_‘  Six thousand and two hundred butterflies ‘, ‘ Six thousand two hundred and one butterfly ‘, ‘ Six thousand two hundred and two butterflies..’_

* * *

 

 

Shizuo woke up to the sound of water flushing. ‘ _fuck.. I fell asleep ‘_  He thought internally as he looked at the clock and saw that he’s been sleeping for four hours instead of one. He then walked to the bathroom to check on Izaya, who –judging by the sounds- was there. He knocked on the door; ‘’- Izaya? ‘’

‘’- Yes? ‘’ Izaya replied as he wiped his mouth and put his head on his arm that was on the side of the closet. After the freezing hell of the last day, now everything was too hot around him; ‘’- I’m fine, I’m just.. throwing up.. _or trying to,_ at least. You don’t need to see that ‘’

‘’- Just let me in, Izaya. I was a bartender I have seen worse. Come on ‘’

‘’- fuck..’’ Izaya gagged once again, then held his stomach tightly; ‘’- Fine.. come in ‘’

Shizuo came behind Izaya and sat onto his knees; ‘’- I’ll help, okay?- ‘’ With his one hand, he held Izaya’s stomach, and put his other hand onto his forehead; ‘’- Now try ‘’

‘’- Okay..’’

.

.

.

After Izaya emptied his stomach and his angry curses were flushed down from the closet, a silence filled the small bathroom of the bedroom. Breathing heavily, Izaya leaned his back to Shizuo’s chest. _‘ You deserve this, Izaya’ ‘ You deserve this I hate you ‘ The child was sitting in front of him._ Izaya narrowed his eyes, he wanted to yell at him but realized he lacked the energy. So he wetted his lips and lifted his head up to Shizuo;

‘’- Would you give me the mouthwash over there, Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya pointed the sink with his index finger, then crawled towards the bathtub and rested his back on it’s wide edge as Shizuo stood up to get it.

 

‘’- You need anything else? ‘’ Shizuo asked as he extended the wanted thing to Izaya.

‘’- A cigarette..’’

‘’- Okay ‘’ Shizuo went inside, then came back with a brand new packet of cigarettes, an ashtray, and a glass of water; ‘’- There ‘’

‘’- Thanks ‘’ The minty aftertase of the mouthwash was persistent as Izaya chugged down the water.

 

In contrast to Izaya who was sitting sprawled on the white tiles, Shizuo bent his legs and put his hands on his stomach when he sat next to him. The red ashtray was right in between them, it got filled with ash and put off cigarettes. Hours passed slowly, Shizuo could see Izaya getting frustrated with every second he spent on this cold tiles, in nausea, in this dopesick day, with a child hitting his foot to the door just to make more noise..

 

_‘ Six thousand two hundred and seventy butterflies’, ‘ Six  thousand two hundred and seventy one butterflies..’_

 

Biting his lip and scraping the already wounded flesh, Izaya closed his eyes and tried to focus at _anything_ but the child’s random noises. Shizuo saw Izaya’s brows clench and hands curl on his almost wet robe, so he lightly touched to his shoulder;

‘’- You can cry if you want Izaya.. or whatever you want if it will make you feel better ‘’

 

Izaya opened his eyes and looked at him, he shook his head; ‘’- N-No I’m.. I’m fine- ‘’ He took an another cigarette from the packet and quickly lit it. The lighter made a ‘clink’ noise when Izaya put it onto the tile a little too harshly. Shizuo just nodded and stayed silent as the tears were already invading the other’s tired red eyes.

Izaya fixed his eyes to the mirror on the wall in front of him as he resisted to the urge to cry his heart out. He took a long drag from the cigarette, almost choked on it when a sob pushed itself onto his lungs and crawled in his throat. But he gulped it down and decided to talk instead;

 

‘’- I don’t know what I did to deserve this- ‘’ His voice broke slightly as Izaya lowered his cigarette. Shizuo watched the violently shaking fingers, then saw the little tremor in Izaya’s shoulders just before he broke into a sob, unable to chain it anymore.. At that second, he wondered if Izaya ever cursed to his fate? Ever spoke up to God, raised his voice and asked ‘ _Why?_ ‘

_The child was now gazing at him from the mirror; ‘ You have born. ‘ He answered Izaya’s question and added; ‘ But you were never meant to be..’_

 

Izaya spaced out then, his lips parted and he looked at the child, his words felt like a scratch to his heart; One that would re-open the wounds and make them ooze blood slowly..

Shizuo took the half-finished cigarette from Izaya’s fingers and put it off on the ashtray; ‘’- Don’t listen to him.. ‘’ He said and added, turning Izaya’s face to his; ‘’- I don’t what he’s saying but.. just.. don’t. ‘’

 

Shizuo put away the ashtray when Izaya extended his skinny arms to him and wrapped them around his neck. _The informant of Shinjuku_ brought his lips towards his lover, the light cologne _the sun_ was wearing hushed him, five yellow butterflies came and settled on their bodies and adorned their sacred ordeal. Izaya smiled and talked, Shizuo recognized the warm breath behind his ear as it was an evergreen flower; ‘’- Don’t ever leave me Shizu-chan..-‘’

‘’- Don’t ever leave me, because I can’t take it..Not at this point, not anymore..’’

 

 A yellow butterfly landed on Izaya’s ring finger as he lowered his hand on Shizuo’s chest, passed his heart, and took Shizuo’s right hand into his cold one in anguish, in burns.. Izaya lowered his head in front of Shizuo as he brought the warm hand to his own heart, Izaya’s heartbeats were rapid, through the layers of his ribcage, Shizuo felt them in the tip of his fingers.

 _Right there, Izaya gave Shizuo his heart_ ; ‘’- You have this.. ‘’ Now his both hands were on Shizuo’s hand, wrapped securely, like he wanted to _give it all_ , and make Shizuo happy. _Agape_ sang a song of enchant with his golden lyre, the hibiscus was drowning in thin threads of diaphonous silk, they weeped onto his lips and wetted desert on them;

 

‘’- You have my heart, Shizuo. and.. let’s not break it, okay?’’ _Because it’s barely together._

 

_The ocean opened his legs and laid down onto the lukewarm blue sheets as the waves danced between his black gemstone hair and created a diadem made of sapphire. The ocean extended his arms to the sun, he welcomed the sun and unfolded himself for him. The sun came closer and the lips touched.._

_Then the sun’s hand stayed still on the ocean’s chest, refusing to move until he saw the etheral eyes move for him and gave a look; An acceptance, an hushed wave.. The ocean soothed his violent waves into a silent melody and gave a nod._

_The sun dipped his fingers into the cold stars inside the ocean’s chest, the universe ceased to a certain darkness then, and the sun touched to the ocean’s heart._

_One drop of midnight dripped to the ocean’s eyes;_

_‘’- Take it. ‘’_

When Shizuo put his hand to the back of Izaya’s neck and kissed him; Izaya realized he touched so softly, like Izaya was something so delicate, like a yet-to blossom flower.. Or a fairy that was a vision in front of Shizuo’s mortal eyes; _Shizuo touched so softly and kissed like he was a veil to Izaya’s red eyes that have seen so much_.. Then talked;

 

‘’- You’re the only person that made me feel like I was capable of _not breaking_ \- ‘’ He kissed Izaya’s fingers too and smiled; ‘’- I’m pretty sure not even death can take us apart at this point..’’

 

 _‘ Six thousand three hundred and twenty one butterflies ‘, ‘ Six thousand three hundred and twenty two butterflies.. ‘_  ‘’- You think so? ‘’ Izaya asked, a faint pink was coloring the scenery that was his beautiful face in front of Shizuo’s amber eyes. The other nodded and his smile widened;

‘’- Yeah.. I would fight God or something and come back to you..’’

 

Shizuo then reached for the tap of the bathtub and turned on the water, Izaya was visibly melting with an heat that only he felt right now, hence his delirious talking.. But Shizuo was used to it. ‘’- Good to know that you’re accompanying me in my nonsense Shizu-chan ‘’ Izaya said and Shizuo gave a laugh;

‘’- Yeah.. I’m keeping up with you ‘’ He then added as the water started filling the bathtub; ‘’- I love you so much Izaya. Let’s heal ‘’

Izaya nodded; ‘’- I will.. for you, for my sisters.. For everyone helping me ‘’ 

 

‘’- Nah.. You’re missing the point. Heal for _yourself,_ not for somebody else.  ‘’ Shizuo said as he stripped Izaya’s mint green robe off of him. He then helped him to get into the bathtub. Izaya put his head to the corner of the white marble and tried his best to relax his jumpy muscles;

When he tilted his head and looked at Shizuo, Izaya had a little smile, it’s brokenness reflected on the mirror, and inside his worn-out eyes;

 

‘’- I have been abused since I was eight, Shizuo.. I.. don’t know who I am anymore..‘ _’ Was I ever someone?_ He then brought his one hand to Shizuo’s cheek and pulled him to himself. He looked at Shizuo like he was the stars, he was the most precious gem on earth; ‘’- You fell in love with a broken man Shizuo..‘’ _Why did you do that?_ Taking support from the granite, he lifted himself and kissed Shizuo, the other answered back and gently kissed him back until Izaya was inside the water once again.

 

 _‘ Every cr_ _ack on your heart has a different story..’_

_‘ Okay, I’ll fix them anyway..’_

 

‘’- _I would still fall in love with you in a different life, different future_. I have not even the slightest regret, Izaya. You.. might be _a little_ broken, but you’re the strongest person I’ve ever seen and.. the smartest- ‘’ Shizuo escaped his eyes and dropped his face like he always does when he says the things running past his heart; ‘’- And.. I like when you speak to your sisters and be a ‘brother’.. I hardly did that with Kasuka because.. I was afraid..-‘’

Shizuo took a big breath and looked at Izaya; ‘’- Do you remember the first day we met? You slashed my chest with a fucking knife, then you said ‘let’s play, Shizu-chan’. _And I fell in love with you right there_. Do you know why?‘’

 

‘’- Because no one ever wanted to play with you..‘’ Izaya murmured the answer.

 

Shizuo started getting emotional, so he looked at the ceiling and blinked back tears; ‘’- Yeah.. All those people came up to me before, even when I was a child, they wanted to pick a fight or just piss me off.. _But you were the first person that wanted to.. play with me- ‘’_ Shizuo gave a chuckle; ‘’- You just went and said ‘let’s play Shizu-chan’ like we were two fucking children..’’

‘’- We still are-‘’ Izaya’s eyes catched the glimpse of the bruise at the side of Shizuo’s arm and he brought his hand to it, some water trailed down where the blood once was; ‘’- We’re still so young Shizu-chan, that’s why I’m telling you. Look at this, you don’t need this.. ‘’ Izaya’s fingers caressed the wound, and his brows clenched.

 

Shizuo hesitantly spoke; ‘’- Maybe.. the people that _wanted you_ , wanted you for your face..or body- ‘’

‘’- I like your face and body too, don’t get me wrong but.. I want you with all you have, Izaya.  I want you with your pain, sadness, happiness.. all that.. ‘’

 

A silence followed Shizuo’s words, Izaya contemplated for some time, he pulled the chains around his heart, with all the force left inside his tired palms; ‘’- Thank you for loving me Shizu-chan ‘’ He said and Shizuo replied with a smile.

  _‘ One by one, I’ll bring the stars together Izaya ‘_  

* * *

 

‘’- Come into the tub, there’s room- ‘’ Izaya offered as he tugged on Shizuo’s shirt and stripped off of him. The marks on his arms, the bruises and nailmarks at the back of his shoulders were all visible as Shizuo got rid off his pants and joined Izaya inside the tub. He was also losing weight, Izaya observed.

 

    -‘’ Will you take care of yourself better, Shizu-chan? ‘’ Izaya asked.  
    -‘’ Yes. ‘’  
    -‘’ Promise me ‘’ Izaya extended his pinky finger to Shizuo; Causing the other to chuckle;  
    -‘’ What are we, children? ‘’

 

Izaya nodded.

 

    -‘’ Fine- ‘’ Shizuo attached their pinky fingers; ‘’- I promise. And.. will you stop pushing me away? ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes- ‘’ Izaya replied; ‘’ - I promise. ‘’

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was this?
> 
> btw I hope you know about the 'pinky promise '.. In Japan (and in my country ) mostly the children do that..:3


	10. Side Chapter; Haruya Shiki and Li Longzhu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo this is kind of a slice-of-life chapter it's short and there isn't much ''heavy metaphors''. There is one scene where Izaya dreams and that scene reveals many things about Izaya's subconscious and how it effects his normal thought process. I mentioned that Shiki and Li were too, going to look after Izaya. And I wrote that in this chapter, and added a surpise for you in the end.
> 
> Now my beautiful readers, this week, I will be taking my university entrance exams ( easily the most important thing in my life right now) then I'll need to attend a wedding (which I don't want to.....) and I will be constantly traveling.
> 
> But I'll take my laptop with me and continue writing of course. But I don't exactly know when I'll get stable internet. I presume in two weeks. The next chapter will be named ' Kintsuguroi P.2 '. We're slowly getting to the end my friends:')
> 
> Notes; 1. Itadakimasu; Something the Japanese say before they start eating.  
> 2\. Nikujaga; A japanese meal that includes sliced beef cooked with patatoes.  
> 3\. Tsukemono; Japanese pickles(?). I don't know how to describe, you can check it out:D

Ch 10.1;  _Haruya Shiki, The Yakuza Executive_

_Two Days Later;_

 

Izaya was looking at the scenery from the balcony of Shiki’s house, at the same time, the yakuza executive was preparing dinner.

It was dark outside but the hour wasn’t so late. Still, in this street, everything was silent except for occasional cars of the people returning their homes, to their families.. Izaya’s red eyes trailed the solitary streetlights that were illuminating the pavements into a yellow gleam, _they contrasted with the stars that were appearing earlier tonight._

 _The child was next to Izaya, ever since Shiki picked Izaya from his apartment in Shinjuku, he was silent._ It didn’t escape from Izaya’s attention, the child was observing Shiki from the open door that was joining the balcony to the kitchen. Izaya asked quietly;

‘’- You like him? ‘’

_The child nodded._

 

After a while, Shiki walked to the balcony and lit a cigarette for himself; ‘’- The food has couple of minutes..- ‘’ He said and looked at Izaya; ‘’- You’re good? I mean I don’t expect you to be good physically but..like, in your head? ‘’

‘’- I’m okay..-‘’ Izaya gave a little nod, then dropped his head as he tapped off the ash from his own cigarette; ‘’- Um.. I didn’t want to give you trouble Shiki-san.. I know you’re busy lately. But you know Shinra.. ‘’

‘’- You’re not a trouble- ‘’ Shiki firmly said, then pointed the kitchen; ‘’- Let’s go inside, it’s getting cold ‘’

* * *

Izaya put off his cigarette and went into the kitchen. He helped Shiki lay down the servings.

 

 ‘’- _Itadakimasu..’’_ Both men said as in custom, then started eating a well cooked _Nikujaga_ , along with miso soup.. Halfway through the dinner, Shiki started explaining why Izaya wasn’t a trouble;

‘’- You know.. when Li sent you to me, he didn’t tell me to adopt you and your sisters, Izaya. He just wanted me to see you and if I liked you, I was going to give you a job.. Nothing dangerous of course, just so that you put some food onto the table- ‘’ Shiki brought his chopsticks to the _tsukemono_ and put some of it onto his plate;

 

‘’- And you came.. I saw you were a good kid, then of course you gave me that answer when I asked you if I could trust you- ‘’ Shiki’s expression curled into a half smirk as he remembered; ‘’-  ‘ _Can I trust you, Shiki-san_?’ I still remember… I said to myself, well.. this kid has something.’’

‘’- So I gave you that job, you remember? I told you there were some rumours that the seniors in the Raira were up to some stupid gang stuff and I told you to look it up for me- ‘’

As an answer, Izaya nodded and appropriately stayed silent. _The child was also listening quite carefully, sitting next to Izaya._

 

‘’- You learned their bullshit, then came to meet me in the gallery.. And Izaya- ‘’ Shiki paused for a moment and selected his words carefully; ‘’- You walked into the room, Akabayashi and everyone was there, and I recall you talked with so much confidence, dropping sarcasm in between sentences and all that, like you have been doing this for your entire life- ‘’ Both of them laughed as Izaya served some _sake_ to Shiki;

‘’- I was so scared actually, everyone in that room were so intimidating to me..’’ Izaya confessed.

 

‘’- Yes..- ‘’ Shiki sipped on the sake and nodded; ‘’- And after you left the room, Akabayashi just looked at me and said ‘’- _Shiki, let me tell you, this kid is something_..’’ And he was right- ‘’

 ‘’- _You are the most perfect kid I could ever wish for, Izaya_.. Like, look at me- ‘’ Shiki pointed himself, then continued; ‘’- Can you imagine me raising a kid from the start? What could he.. or she be, growing inside a bunch of psychopaths? Or could I even raise that child to begin with-‘’ Shiki leaned back in the kitchen chair and put his elbow to the side of the wood; ‘’- If it wasn’t for Li, I was a dead man probably..’’

 

Izaya put his chopsticks aside; ‘’- I believe you are being hard on yourself, Shiki-san.. It’s true that the dangers are inevitable in your job. But I think you would make a good father. ‘’

‘’- I know what I am- ‘’ Shiki huffed a laugh and added, extending for the small sake bottle; ‘’- You raised yourself good, Izaya. I know you haven’t been able to make yourself ‘ _useful_ ’ as you like to call it, but that doesn’t mean you are a trouble, especially for me-‘’

‘’- You are my kid. I fostered you and _those two witches_ to be my children, not something else, and definitely not a trouble. ‘’

 

      -‘’ Two witches..- ‘’ Izaya laughed to the fitting mimesis; ‘’-Do you mean Mairu and Kururi, Shiki-san? ‘’ With that, the conversation changed direction;  
      -‘’ Yeah.. Though I like that they have this..- ‘’ Shiki waved his hand as he looked for the right word; ‘’- _Harmony_ between them. The witch part is mostly for Mairu of course, as she crushes the entire office on our heads when I take them with me. And Kururi is like..-‘’  
      -‘’ Silent? ‘’  
      -‘’ Very. Aozaki once said that for a long time, he thought the girl was mute. Even I sometimes forget about her existence; she just sits on the seat in front of me all day.. sometimes shows me the drawings she does.. But my God, the other is just.. too much for this little world of ours, Izaya.. But I’m sure they will come to good places.’’

 

Izaya nodded, but gave a little sigh; ‘’- I haven’t seen them for some time.. I want to ask if they have anything bothering them, anything they want to tell me.. Because they just don’t tell if I don’t ask..’’

Shiki raised his brows; ‘’- Well.. _that reminds me of somebody I know_.. ‘’ He sarcastically pointed Izaya, then stood up to take the empty plates. Izaya also accompanied. ‘’- Don’t worry, he is crazy and all that but Shinra is _somehow_ really good at handling children, I know that..’’ Shiki added to his words.

‘’- Must be Li-san’s work..’’

‘’- Probably..’’

 

After the plates were placed into the dishwasher, Izaya felt an urge to sit down and smoke. Even though he wasn’t nauseous anymore, the effects of withdrawal were still persistent on and off.. Izaya smoked a cigarette as Shiki prepared coffee for himself and read some documents regarding work.

_The child was smiling and swinging his legs back and forth. He looked happy._

* * *

Couple of hours later, at the guest bedroom, Izaya spoke to Shizuo for some time on the phone, then laid down under the black and gray sheets; The effects of the over the counter medicine were leaving his body for good, and now, once again, he started trembling pathetically and all of his muscles ached in unspoken pleas.. But he was glad that the child wasn’t making everything harder for this time..

Shiki knocked on the door and came in, he saw Izaya mumbling to himself –or to his hallucination, who knows..-, but half-coherent from the insomnia and pain. He walked to the closet and took a towel, then sat beside Izaya and dried the boy’s forehead ; ‘ _Now I see why Akabayashi dislikes this shit.._ ’ He thought to himself.

 

Izaya felt the texture of the cloth; ‘’- Shiki-san? ‘’ He opened his eyes slightly and looked at his foster father. Shiki made his presence known by putting a hand to the side of Izaya’s arm; ‘’- It’s just me. Do you need anything? ‘’ He asked.

Izaya stayed silent for some time, his hands were wrapped to himself and the veins on them were visible with the strain he was putting onto them. The bright moonlight was illuminating the room just enough.. His red eyes then moved to the corner of the room where the child was quietly sitting beside the wall, hiding in the small darkness. Izaya heard him mumble;

_‘ I’m scared..’_

_‘ I know. ‘ Izaya answered to himself._

_-'’_ Shiki-san..’’  
    -‘’ Yes? ‘’

Izaya bit his bottom lip, then gulped down his hesitancy; ‘’- You.. wouldn’t let me.. end up like my mother, right?- ‘’ He paused for a second and listened to the sound of cats meowing and the dogs barking outside; ‘’- I.. I know I’ll quit drugs but.. if my hallucinations don’t go away.. ‘’

 _‘ Tell me, what is your deepest fear, Izaya? ‘_ Izaya heard Alexei, and his voice made him instantly squeeze his fist and close his eyes. Shiki contemplated his answer for some time, rightfully so, his brows slightly clenched and cheeks sucked in. He then slowly nodded; ‘’- Okay-‘’ He brought his hand to Izaya’s fisted ones and unclenched his fingers before the boy made his flesh bleed; ‘’- I promise. ‘’

He then added with a sigh; ‘’- I know you can’t sleep but at least close your eyes. They’re bloodshot- ‘’ He patted on Izaya’s shoulder and made a move to get up; ‘’- I still have some work to do but I’ll check on you again, alright? ‘’

 

Izaya nodded and closed his eyes, a group of young people were walking across the sidewalk; he listened to their conversations for some time. The window was left open, a cold breeze was releasing itself into the room but Izaya didn’t mind as he was under the warm blankets. Maybe half an hour later he heard the child’s footsteps, they stopped in front of him. Izaya opened his eyes and looked at him.

 

 _‘ Can I sleep with you? ‘ The child asked._  Izaya gave a slight nod and opened the blanket at the other side of the bed;

‘’- Okay. ‘’

 

* * *

 

 

Ch 10.2;  _Li Longzhu, or The Red Dragon_

 

_Three Days Later;_

 

As he watched _the child_ staring at the ceiling of the bed and examining the painting with an open mouth and big eyes, Izaya wondered if it was even possible to stay like that for hours..

The child continued to count, but it was barely audable; _‘ Seven thousand three hundred and thirty eight butterflies ‘, ‘ Seven thousand three hundred and thirty nine butterflies..’_

 

Tonight, Izaya was staying at Li’s mansion since Shinra sent – _forced_ \- Shizuo to go see his family and brother. Apart from an hellish headache, Izaya had a runny nose and watery eyes. He felt relatively okay; But his limbs were still refusing to leave the bed..

Every thirty minutes or so, one of the women working with Li was coming and checking on him; Asking if he needed anything or could eat something.. Izaya so far met with five of them; ‘ _Su Yimu, An Genxin, Guang Fen, Lei Liling and Hinode Yan who was half Japanese as far as Izaya learnt. ‘_

 

All of them were polite and kind-hearted towards him, and Izaya felt like they were really genuine, and.. _caring_. It made him feel warm, deep inside his heart, a child was walking in a garden full of jasmine.

He didn’t know when, but as the child was counting quietly, Izaya fell asleep.

_‘ Seven thousand three hundred and fifty one butterflies ‘, ‘ Seven thousand three hundred and fifty-two butterflies..’_

_._

_._

_._

_Orange, blue and light pink filled the scenery. Izaya walked on top of jasmine petals, then dropped onto his knees and smiled as he collected a handful of them and took their scent into his aching lungs._

_He sat there for sometime, hugging the flowers. Around him, he could see some blood on top of the pale yellow petals, butterflies landed on them. It was such an harsh colour, red, it contrasted to the beautiful scenery.._

_A broken sunlight shone into Izaya’s eyes. When he turned his head to the other direction, he saw his mother sitting under a pergola, so he stood up to walk to her, but just before he did, he saw that there were some blood on his palms, scattered around onto the petals._

_Izaya collected some more clean petals to hide the blood on his palms, then stood in front of his mother. She was counting, eyes far away; ‘ Seven thousand three hundred and fifty four butterflies’, ‘ Seven thousand three hundred and fifty five butterflies’, ‘ Seven thousand three hundred and fifty six butterflies’_

_‘ Mama? ‘  Izaya turned his head to his side and saw the child, standing right next to him. The child called again; ‘ Mama? ‘ He then threw himself in front of her knees, taking her wrists into his small hands;_

_‘ They will not tie you up again, right?- ‘ He asked but didn’t get an answer ‘- Right? ‘ He repeated. Izaya just stood there, unmoving._

_A violent wind hit like a wave and tangled Izaya’s hair, petals around them blew away, some sticking into the black locks.. Izaya closed his eyes and felt the presence of somebody else, first touching to his shoulders, then slowly stripping off the thin lilac robe that Izaya was wearing. One drop of tear left Izaya’s right eye as the other wrapped his one arm to his collarbone, the other on his waist;_

_‘’- There is not to much to be got anywhere in the world- ‘’ Alexei whispered into Izaya’s ear, his voice sad; ‘’- It is filled with misery and pain; If a man escapes these, boredom lies in wait for him at every corner-’’_

_Something warm and heavy ran down from Izaya’s arms, he felt it on his fingertips, then the blood slowly poured down to the ground. This was the first time Alexei’s hands were hot on Izaya’s skin._

_Alexei continued; ‘’- Nay more; it is evil which generally has the upper hand, and folly that makes the most noise- ‘’_

_Izaya opened his eyes, slowly, he lifted his face and looked at the bright pink sky; ‘’- ..Fate is cruel, and mankind is pitiable ‘’ He finished the sentence._

_._

_._

* * *

 

Li angrily muttered to himself in Chinese. He met with four different families today, every one of them wanting to work with Li; and offering a stack of paper regarding their businesses.. _‘ Why didn’t I just become a tailor anyway? ‘_  He thought and reached for his phone on the desk.

Just before he dialed his secretary’s number, Li heard a soft knock on his door.

 

A familiar little girl extended her head from the door; ‘’- Li-san.. My mother is calling for you if you’re available..’’ Even though she was Chinese, she spoke in Japanese. Li put the phone down; ‘’- Of course. Did something happen? ‘’ He asked as they left the room and started walking towards the bedroom Izaya was in.

The eight year old girl thought to herself for some time, not exactly knowing how to describe the situation of the boy lying in the bed and hugging himself while crying silently.. She then looked up to Li; ‘’- He is dreaming.. but.. in _pain_? ‘’  Her answer turned into a question at the end of the sentence. Li nodded; ‘’- I see..’’ Then went into the spacious bedroom.

 

Su Yimu was sitting behind Izaya, who was in a paroxysm of weeping and murmuring.. She rubbed the boy’s back and wiped away the sweat running down from his neck. Her moves were calm like water.

She looked at Li; ‘’- We couldn’t wake him up, Li-san..’’ She explained the situation as Li knelt in front of Izaya and listened to his mumblings for some time;

 

 _‘’-_ He is calling for his mother- ‘’ Li sighed and spoke in Chinese, he then ran his hand inside his golden brown hair and thought of what to do. He looked at Su Yimu, then an idea came to his mind;

‘’- Su, may I take off your hairpin? ‘’ He politely asked to the woman in light blue kimono. Su Yimu gave a bow of her head; ‘’- Of course, Li-san ‘’

 

With that, with a gentlemanly manner, Li slowly pulled out the hairpin, and the woman’s long dark brown hair spilled like ink. The ends of the hair were touching Izaya’s tear-stained cheek..

Su Yimu looked up to Li and gave a soft smile as the boy’s expression relaxed and he slowly unclenched his fists, now calming down like leaves in spring. Li caressed Izaya’s hair, knowing why this worked. The woman spoke in Chinese;

 

 _-‘’ Do you still think you haven’t paid your debt, Li-san? ‘’ On her question, Li’s brown eyes looked at her, a deep sadness lying within them;_  
_-‘’ Yes. I am afraid I still feel the guilt crawling in the depths of my heart, Su. Everytime I look at this… child. ‘’ Li replied in Chinese._

 

The door opened; ‘’- Your guests have arrived, Li-san ‘’  Guang Fen bowed and informed the Chinese boss of his last meeting of the day. Li closed his eyes and sighed, clearly losing his energy for this unusually busy day. He looked at Su Limu;

 

‘’- Please stay with him, the rest of the girls can do the servings..’’

‘’- However you want, Li-san ‘’

* * *

 

More than four hours later, Li came back into the room, utterly exhausted. He put the –new- stack of papers he brought with him onto the writing desk, then walked towards Su Limu, she was still in the same position, with her daughter next to her eagerly watching the sleeping boy.

Li gave a smile at the scenery; ‘’- I am so lucky to have you all..’’ He muttered and added, taking the woman’s hand and politely bringing to his lips; ‘’- You can rest now, the girls are at the upstairs- ‘’ He looked at the little girl; ‘’- I am pretty sure Ju-chan can accompany us, right? ‘’ Ju enthusiastically nodded.

 

Li sat to the writing desk and took out his reading glasses as the girl’s mother gave her some instructions;

‘’- When he wakes up, offer him water and ask him if he needs anything, alright Ju? And don’t distract Li-san. ‘’ She added the last part with one brow lifted, clearly making a point.

* * *

 

There was a millon dollar worth agreement on the desk that Li was working on, and some crayons threatening the whiteness of the paper. But Li didn’t mind, as he was working, Ju was drawing at the opposite side of the desk. She was constantly turning her head and looking at the sleeping Izaya, Li lowered his glasses to the bridge of his nose and looked at her;

 

‘’- Doesn’t he look like an angel? ‘’ He asked. The girl nodded, then turned her head and took the pink crayon next to her drawing. She draw what Li presumed, was a pair of wings to the sketch figure on the paper.

    -‘’ Ne.. Li-san..- ‘’  
    -‘’ Yes? ‘’  
    -‘’ Does angels.. feel pain? He looked like he was in pain..’’ Ju asked as she colored the wings she drew. Li nodded, leaning back in the chair;  
    -‘’ Yes ‘’ But he knew that answer wasn’t going to satisfy an eight year old;  
    -‘’ Why? ‘’ Ju looked at him and asked.

Li put his elbow to the side of the chair and rested his head on his knuckles, his one brow lifted as he thought the answer for some time; ‘’ _\- Because the more pure you are, the more pain you feel_. ‘’

 

‘’- Did bad people hurt him Li-san? ‘’

‘’- Yes- ‘’ Li crossed his legs; ‘’- You don’t be like them okay, Ju-chan? ‘’ _Don’t be like me._

 

The girl nodded. With that, Li went back to work.

* * *

 

Izaya woke up feeling rested, it almost struck him surprised for he almost forgot that state of mind even existed. In the room’s lightweight silence, he dangled his feet from the bed and saw Li; Appearing asleep on the chair of the gold engraved writing table. Izaya walked towards him and quietly spoke; ‘’- Li-san.. ‘’

Li was an extremely light sleeper, he awakened immediately; ‘’- Yes? ‘’ He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes; ‘’- God I’m getting too old for this..’’ He muttered under his breath.

 

Izaya sat to the chair opposite him; ‘’- You’re barely forty years old, Li-san ‘’ He said. His attention then went to drawing standing on the table, looking like one of the drawings Kururi would do. _A starry night and a one angel-like figure with bright pink wings.._

‘’ Yes, and I’m getting too old for this-‘’ Li repeated and asked; ‘’- How are you feeling? ‘’

 

As he saw and ignored the crayon marks on one of the papers that appeared to be an important document, Izaya brought his fingers towards his cheek; ‘’- I.. I feel like I saw my mother in my dream but.. I don’t remember- ‘’ He then smiled to himself; ‘’- But I feel really good Li-san. Thank you for looking after me ‘’

‘’- Good then-‘’ Li straightened out the creases on his suit, then took his pen back; Ready to go back to work –not really- but he had to. Izaya peeked to the document that Li was reading with a quite serious face;

 

‘’- Um.. may I ask what is it that keeping you this late at night, Li-san? ‘’

‘’- Yes..’’ Li extended the document to him; ‘’- I made a mistake of trusting an Italian, and now they’re trying to fuck me over..- ‘’ He then added; ‘’- I just need to take that bid onto my company but I have to find something to use against theirs, you know..’’

 

Understanding the needed scheme, Izaya looked at the names of the companies and people as Li stood up to pour a drink for himself.

‘’- Li-san, I wouldn’t want to sound presumptuous, but I think I can fix your problem..’’

 

Li gave an amused grin; ‘’- Fix this, and you get the twenty percent cut of the whole project. ‘’

That, dear reader, would mean _a lot_ of money. But Izaya didn’t care about that.

Li saw the wide grin on Izaya’s face; ‘’- You really love doing this don’t you..’’ He said and added; ‘’- There is a laptop under the cabinet, you can use it. I’ll go change into something comfortable- ‘’ The Chinese man said and left the room, taking his glass of whiskey with him.

 

 

 _He must have fallen asleep_. Because when Li came back and found Izaya sitting hunched and looking _extremely_ focused at the bright screen of the laptop, it was almost five o’ clock around morning;

‘’- Oh come on, you’re still on it? You’re just like Shiki, I swear to God. ‘’ Li said with the day’s first cigarette smoking in between his fingers. His midnight blue dressing gown was hanging loosely around his shoulders and his hair was utterly disheveled.

 

Izaya gave him _the Orihara Izaya grin_ that he’s been missing so much and turned the screen of the laptop;

‘’- You can transfer the money to my account, Li-san ‘’

‘’- Thaaat’s my boy. ‘’ 

* * *

 

 

_Two Days Later, Shinjuku;_

 

The TV was on, but Shizuo was absentmindedly watching Izaya who was sleeping right on his chest. There was a little smile on his face, Shizuo knew it was because he spent the day with his sisters.. Shizuo suppressed the urge to hug him tightly and gave his attention to the TV instead. The night news was on, a young looking female was hosting;

 

_‘’… With the last voting, the legislation for legalizing the same-sex marriage in Japan have passed the council. With the final approval in the next two months, the same-sex couples will be given the right to marry and they will be considered equal to the-‘’_

 

Shizuo turned his head and looked at Izaya.

 

_‘ Wait. ‘_

_‘ Does that mean?.._ ’ Shizuo’s lips curled into a smile, but then he shook his head and let the thought begone; ‘ _Focus on the matter on hand Heiwajima Shizuo.. Izaya still has a long road to go..’_ He thought to himself.

 

But then he started imagining Izaya in a suit just like he wore in the graduation night.. Walking to him..

Shizuo bit his bottom lip and got angry at himself for daydreaming – _nightdreaming_ \- like a teenage girl.

 

‘ _But wouldn’t it be beautiful..? ’_

 _‘ Oh shut the fuck up_ ‘  His brain replied as Shizuo closed the TV.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just changed the Japanese constitution for a fanfic. OW YES. 
> 
> Check out the art that pantlesschibi drew for this fic! Gooooood I am still so happy about it :3. I wanted to attach it as a picture but it got deleted everytime:'). So here's a link;
> 
> https://pantlesschibi.deviantart.com/art/yellow-butterflies-izaya-751561681 
> 
> You can check her fanfics too; My favorite one is; https://archiveofourown.org/works/14682315/chapters/33922869
> 
>  
> 
> I haven't packed my suitcase and I am in extreme rush, so I haven't checked for mistakes and all that..


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